Posted on 07/16/2009 7:47:15 AM PDT by franksolich
Much to my disconcertment, last night (Wednesday night), a local dowager had complained about my "bad manners" of reading while dining with nine other people; not to me--she had complained to friends of mine.
I was reading the Encyclopedia Americana, specifically the entries about the silkworm industry in France during the 1840s, while everybody else was yik-yakking away.
Of course, there's a practical matter here; too many people, too much light and movement, too much color, which to me is "noise," and so I can't keep track of what's being said, or what I think's being said.
What is one to do? Chew on his food and twiddle his thumbs?
Actually, it's a cultural thing.
It was always de rigeuer that the family dine together, breakfast, lunch, supper, when I was a little lad alongside the Platte River of Nebraska, and an adolescent thriving in the Sandhills of Nebraska.
(Excerpt) Read more at conservativecave.com ...
Now a reasonable exception might apply if you had been engaged in a heated debate about the silkworm industry, and to settle the dispute pulled out your Blackberry (or iPhone) to find what the ultimate authority on the subject, Wikipedia, had to say.
Yes, it is abominable manners. If you’re reading at the table, it is a direct way of saying, “You people are of no interest to me; I am so bored by you that I must entertain myself in some other way.” Now, this of course is exactly your situation, but sometimes in the name of peace and kindness we refrain from insulting people.
If you can’t interest yourself in what other people are talking about, the problem may be with them—perhaps they really are idiots who speak only about trivia—or it may be with you. It’s possible, in other words, that they’re all idiots. It’s equally possible that you are a snob for thinking your thoughts are superior to theirs. In either case it’s hardly a penance to put on a mask of courtesy for as long as it takes to eat your meal, perhaps 20 minutes at most.
You might also consider really listening to others. It’s surprising, but some people who aren’t apparently as intelligent or educated as you are or don’t share your interests may still have things to teach you.
that most certainly would be my response....
That’s different. There’s no one at the table to be rude to.
Frank,
Your name is familiar. Weren’t you once the FB head coach at Nebraska?
As to the topic, reading tells the other people at the table that they are uninteresting and unworthy of your attention. While they may very well be uninteresting and unworthy of attention, you chose to engage in that social setting. So, you are stuck having to fake some interest.
Yeah, it kinda sux.
A little illumination, madam.
I’m deaf. Can’t hear.
Then what’s the point of being there?
bore: someone who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself.
While I do understand about not being able to hear much, if any, of what’s being said during dinner conversation, I do think it’s inappropriate for you to read at the dinner table unless you’re surrounded by immediate family.
When you accept a dining invitation from friends and acquaintances you really do need to put the book down and at least attempt to be a part of the group. Reading a book isolates you from the rest of your dining companions and sends the message (whether true or not) that you find the company you’re with boring and not worthy of your attention. In essence you might as well be eating alone at a separate table.
It’s different when you’re sharing a meal with immediate family because they fully understand your difficulty in being able to follow conversation because of your hearing loss.
I don’t think its polite to read at the family meal table, ever.
One of the rules at the Academies is “No reading material in the wardroom.”
I came from a family that read at the table. They explained that the meal is not just a place to take sustenance. It’s an opportunity for team building, esprit d’corps, communication, etc.
For families, I think its even more true. Disconnecting yourself from the conversation by pouring yourself into a book is bad form for family members. As the kids get older, the opportunities to be together as a family start to decrease, and its even more important to keep meal times ‘sacred’ as it were.
Hard to show apparent interest for prolonged periods when you can’t hear/understand what’s being said. Sitting there looking bored out of your mind isn’t any better than doing something engaging; if someone is completely lost in the conversation, I’d expect & prefer they do something interesting than feel obligated to feign obviously non-existent interest.
From reading your family dinner habits, when eating with your family you are not out of order to read.
In ‘social’ situations at the dining table, it would be considered somewhat inappropriate. It does sort of say “you bore me”, so I think I will read.
I must say, I get a humorous, fond sort of kick out of your family’s reading at the dinner table. I am also impressed by the reading subject which engrossed you at Wednesday nights dinner! You must have a very interesting mind.
One of the rules at the Academies is “No reading material in the wardroom.”
I came from a family that read at the table. They explained that the meal is not just a place to take sustenance. It’s an opportunity for team building, esprit d’corps, communication, etc.
For families, I think its even more true. Disconnecting yourself from the conversation by pouring yourself into a book is bad form for family members. As the kids get older, the opportunities to be together as a family start to decrease, and its even more important to keep meal times ‘sacred’ as it were.
I understand your point of view but I also knew Frank is deaf and can't hear much if anything being said. His deafness already isolates and disconnects him from being able to participate in the social aspect of dining with others.
His family fully understands his inability to participate in verbal communication.
Sir, there are many people who are deaf. If no medical intervention is possible, then they have some choices to make. They can choose to avoid social situations that are unpleasant to them (pointless concerts or dinner parties that are going to be annoying, for instance). They may choose to explain that there is a problem and ask for an explanation of the conversation so as to avoid offending others.
They may also simply decide to act polite for the duration of a meal. Usually if we care about people and don’t have a desire to pointlessly offend them, we choose to act polite; after all, manners are devised to make others comfortable.
Remember that we all have problems and issues. Deaf or not, we may all have to sit through parties we don’t like or be courteous when we’re bored. Deafness, which is a very common problem, isn’t a license to offend others. If you don’t want to deal with a dinner party for half an hour, then don’t accept the invitation.
Please note that very few people on this thread are supporting your action. Neither my father nor my father-in-law, both of whom were functionally deaf, ever read during a family dinner or dinner party.
From my experience, dining with others is more a social gathering with the meal being secondary. If I personally had an inability to follow conversation in a group of friends and acquaintances, I'd more than likely graciously decline the eating of a meal with them simply because I wouldn't be able to participate in the main reason people gather together to eat. That's just me though and I'm in no way saying Frank should follow what I'd do.
Usually you will not be informed in advance that the exact nature of the conversation at that time will be terminally dull or incomprehensible. You may desire the company, but the company may not make the point of ensuring your enjoyment of the conversation.
I'm not sure what this has to do with Frank's inability to hear conversations. As a hearing person if the conversation is boring I do have the option of introducing a new more interesting topic and participating in that discussion. While Frank may be able to introduce a new topic. he's unable to participate in the discussion the new topic might generate.
If you are dining WITH others, yes, it’s rude.
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