Middle-aged dating and love of coupons

http://www.postindependent.com/ ^ | Friday, April 24, 2009 | Heidi Rice

[chasio649]

“Honey, do you remember our first date?” I asked Husband-Head after hanging up the phone with my old high school girlfriend from California. “What did we do and how did we meet?”

Husband-Head was sitting on the couch and it was clear that there couldn’t be a subject he was less interested in than that of reminiscing about our dating days nearly 20 years ago.

Why is it that we girls want to remember every detailed minute, yet the actual wedding date seems to be a painful memory for the men?

From what I recall, the first time I met Husband-Head, I was tending bar at a local well-known watering hole, and he and 20 of his closest friends had come in to celebrate his birthday. Each one of his so-called “buddies” had ordered him a shot of liquor and — even though this was prior to the stringent liquor laws about overserving a patron — I knew that it was not a good idea. “Ummm ... dude ... you’re gonna die if you drink all these,” I warned him as I looked at all the shot glasses lined up on the bar.

“Then go out with me,” he bargained, as he started to drink the shots.

Not wanting him to die on my shift, I agreed to meet him the next night, pretty sure that there was no way he would ever remember the date.

I was wrong.

He didn’t die, but he did show up for our date.

And we ended up getting married — not until three years later, of course — but we’ve lived happily ever after since then.

All that came back to me the other weekend when my best friend from high school in California called me to give an update on her latest dating debacle.

Dana is a single, slim, smart and stylish woman, but for some reason she’s been single all of her life. She’s tried her hand several times at the online dating services, but so far has not had much luck with the men she’s met.

We talk on the phone almost every Friday night to share the events of our week and what’s been happening in our lives.

On this particular evening, Dana was relating a recent date she’d been on with a guy she’d met on one of the online dating services. The man claimed to be a 54-year-old medical doctor.

After chatting for a while, they agreed to meet for dinner at an Outback Steakhouse restaurant. “That’s not bad,” I said, trying to be encouraging. “I hear they have great steak and pasta.”

“I don’t even LIKE pasta!” Dana pointed out.

For me, it would be all about the food, but obviously this isn’t the main course in the dating world.

“And then he had a friggin’ coupon for the blooming onion appetizer,” Dana lamented.

I found this to be kind of funny, and I laughed.

You don’t like onions, nor do you want to kiss someone after eating them?

“Then, at the end of the dinner, he pulled out a gift certificate to pay for it all,” she continued. “And this guy is supposed to be a DOCTOR!”

Hmmm ... perhaps the economy is bad even for physicians.

I put my hand over the mouthpiece of the phone so she couldn’t hear me laughing. ...

Nevertheless, Dana relayed that she continued to give him a chance and accepted an invitation to go to his apartment for a cocktail afterwards. Which, surprisingly, did not go well.

“I am not going to date a guy who drives a crappier car than I do and lives in a crappier apartment than I do,” she reported indignantly. “It was gross!”

At this point, I had my hand over my mouth and was trying not to snot in my palm...

I didn’t even venture to ask if there had been any intimacy involved and what it was like...

“And furthermore, he had a flag draped over his bed,” she continued, answering my unasked question. “And he’s not even a veteran — he’s an idiot! I am SO done with dating!”

I wanted to console her by relaying all the idiots I’d dated — and kissed — in my younger years, but I didn’t think it would make her feel better.

When you’re dating in your middle-aged years, you think you know better by now and have learned from past mistakes.

HA!

Guess what...you’re pretty much just as stupid as you were when you were 25.

I looked at Husband-Head with new eyes after Dana and I got off the phone.

“Honey, let’s go out to Red Lobster for a romantic dinner this weekend,” I suggested. “I think I have a coupon...”

[Caramelgal]

You gave it a the old college try...i wouldn’t say you were shallow at all...pretty tacky of him to comment on your niece’s gift also.

Well that I did (the old college try). I realized early on that he had some quirkiness to his personally. But I had hoped that his better traits would out weigh them out. And he did have some good traits, hard working, thrifty, patriotic, and conservative. But as time went by I saw some darker sides to his personality, his constant feuding with his sister over money, his obsession with money or more the point, spending as little as possible combined with his distrust of his neighbors, almost bordering on paranoia – they all had it in for him according to him and an increasing controlling personality that I didn’t care for.

And speaking of paranoia, we went to a local farm show and right before we left I saw him put into his shorts pocket, what looked like a spray can. When I asked him what it was he said it was a can of mase. When I asked him why he felt it necessary to arm himself with a can of mase, he said that there was lots of gang activity in our county. To which I replied, “Yep, I’ve heard those 4-H’ers can be a pretty brutal bunch” which made him pretty angry.

It wasn’t very long after that that I broke up with him.

[chasio649]

I went on a 1st date with a gal one time and she spent half the date telling me about her old boyfriend of the last 2 years...she was trying to get him off of crack...she was a nice, decent person but she went on and on about how she tried to help this guy...he of course went out of control and it ended....she was a teacher at a catholic school and was big into the church...we talked on the phone the next few nights and i told her i wasn’t particularly religous...that was her deal breaker she told me...it ended there....now this coming from a woman that spent 2 years with a crack head....it did wonders for my self esteem....i laugh about it now but boy did i replay in my head what was wrong with ME...why wasn’t i at least worth another date...i kinda figured i was a little too boring for her...shouldn’t slapped her around a little.../joke ;)

[dfwgator]

It’s called, “being penny smart, and pound foolish.”

[dfwgator]

It's like baldness or bad breath or body odor.

And leaving up the toilet seat.

[Caramelgal]

Sounds to me like she was looking for her next fix up project. As you didn’t need any fixing, she wasn’t interested.

I’m not interested in a renovation project. If I had the money and the time, I’d love to fix up an old house but a guy in need of rehab? No way. You are better off without her.

[kabumpo]

MMm,, no — if that’s how he begins, it’s not going to get better later. For a first date a man really should make an atatempt to sweep a woman off her feet. Coupons are not going to do it.

[tet68]

I’d like to start middle age dating, where can I get
these “Love coupons”?

Hehe.

[kabumpo]

So you went out with Alan also !!!
I had a similar experience. I first saw him a “stable” but he was a joyless miser who ruined every occasion for happiness with his obsession for control.

[ReneeLynn]

“Did you read that in Cosmopolitan?”

I’ve never read Cosmo. Wouldn’t waste my money. Just telling the truth. Sometimes that’s hard for some people to handle.

[ReneeLynn]

Bingo!

[Caramelgal]

MMm,, no — if that’s how he begins, it’s not going to get better later. For a first date a man really should make an atatempt to sweep a woman off her feet. Coupons are not going to do it.

A first date is all about making good first impressions, much like a job interview in some respects.

A gal who shows up for a first date with no make up, messy hair and dressed like a slob is not likely to get a second date in most cases. Likewise a guy who uses a coupon to pay for dinner on a first date isn’t going to make a good first impression.

After a couple have been dating for a while and go out to eat regularly, coupons are not a bad idea, nor is it a bad idea for the gal to offer to chip in or at least cover the tip now and then. Even though I know most guys will refuse the offer, I always offer to pay my share or the tip or for parking if that’s part of the evening. My date is not insulted by the offer and I’m not insulted by his refusal but it shows that I’m there because I want to share a pleasant evening with him and not because I’m looking for a free meal.

[ReneeLynn]

Doesn’t matter if Malkin is married. Not the point.

Umm, I’m assuming they got to talking during dinner and he got a good look at her. So he got to know her.

Where was this? Outback Steakhouse or somewhere like that? He couldn’t just pay for that? On the first date? Pfft.

[kabumpo]

I agree — except about the offering to pay part. That comes after you’re married and have to make sacrifices.

[ReneeLynn]

Yes!

[chasio649]

I like your style....good on ya.

[Reeses]

Color me clueless but I have no idea what her objection is to his using a gift certificate.

It's not just humans, throughout the animal kingdom the male must provide a morsel of food to the female if he has any hope of mating with her. If he fails this test, no nookie. Using a gift certificate or coupon fails because it's not him providing the food.

[Reeses]

Why would a man marry and remain married to a women who seeks to diminish him?

All women know how to do this. Many shows and commercials on TV have this theme because women find it so interesting. The evolutionary purpose is to knock the man's ego down sufficiently to keep him from straying. If you know what's going on the comments bounce right off.

[Tax-chick]

Actually, for many people, the point of dating is to get married. It’s never occurred to me to notice how a meal is paid for.

[Caramelgal]

I agree — except about the offering to pay part. That comes after you’re married and have to make sacrifices.

I disagree. As I’m a professional career woman, so most of the men I date are also of a similar career level and income. When I’m on a first date with a guy, I presume that he’s going to pay for dinner and or the movie on the first date, but I don’t always make that presumption. While I’ve offered to chip in, I don’t recall any man who has accepted my offer or any who have been insulted by it either nor have I been insulted by his refusal. To me it just shows a gesture of good faith that I’m not just interested in being wined and dined by someone who can afford it.

For one thing, the offer it’s self, puts me on some equal footing with a guy I may not know all that well – saying that I’m an equal partner in this date and not for my affections to be bought. Unfortunately in my early twenties, I went out on a few dates were the man thought that paying for a dinner and a movie entitled him to certain liberties. At this point in my life, I’m too old and too wise to fall into that trap.

As far as being married, call me old fashioned but at that point there should be no matter of "yours" or "mine", as everything should be "ours".

[kabumpo]

I have a different philosophy. I don’t want to be on an equal footing, because I consider the woman to be superior. If a man is the type of person who imagines that paying for dinner/movie etc entitles him to take liberties with me, then my paying for myself isn’t going to change the type of person he is.