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GRITS: What are grits?
Grits 101 | Gritty

Posted on 03/17/2009 6:27:36 PM PDT by deport

What Are Grits?

Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.

These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits are Formed.

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity.

The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

How to Cook Grits

For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 TBsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.(Some folks like their's soupy and that's OK)

How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.

How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)

In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they caused cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.

Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)

Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat!

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits: (Leftover grits are extremely rare)

Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.

Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.



TOPICS: Food; Humor; Weird Stuff
KEYWORDS: grits
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To: deport
Also remember....
61 posted on 03/17/2009 6:55:40 PM PDT by Yosemitest (It's simple, fight or die.)
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To: Skooz

Grits are warmed snot...

Yuch!!!


62 posted on 03/17/2009 6:56:38 PM PDT by Shyla
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To: an amused spectator
Ya gotta keep stirring as you add the dry grits, lest ye clump.

Absolutely! I was going to add that to the 'how to..'.
Stir often.

Grits casserole is good also.
Cooked grits, beaten egg or two, lots of cheese, little garlic, red pepper.
Pour into baking dish and bake about 30 min.
Our side dish w/ fish.

63 posted on 03/17/2009 6:56:49 PM PDT by Vinnie (You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Jihads You)
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To: an amused spectator
I don’t want to see anyone trash-talking grits on this thread...

Wonder if General Sherman ever had the pleasure of dining on grits?

(Donning flame proof suit now.)

64 posted on 03/17/2009 6:58:03 PM PDT by SnuffaBolshevik
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To: deport

65 posted on 03/17/2009 7:00:30 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet)
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To: deport

66 posted on 03/17/2009 7:00:32 PM PDT by JoeProBono (A closed mouth gathers no feet)
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To: BigBlueJon
Perfect fatboy breakfast ....... Two eggs, fried over easy, two spicy pork sausage patties, one biscuit, split, and covered with sawmill gravy, and grits, buttered...

You've got that right! Eat right, exercise, die anyway. So if I'm going out regardless I'm going to eat what I want now.

Be hard to enjoy it later.

67 posted on 03/17/2009 7:06:38 PM PDT by OpeEdMunkey (We seem to have reached a critical mass of stupid people.)
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To: deport

(dating myself here)

68 posted on 03/17/2009 7:07:35 PM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: BigBlueJon
Two eggs, fried over easy, two spicy pork sausage patties, one biscuit, split, and covered with sawmill gravy, and grits, buttered. Grab your fork and start slicing and splicing everything until you have a jumbled mess on your plate. Eat and enjoy.

Aw hell yeah. With a big cup o' coffee.

69 posted on 03/17/2009 7:09:21 PM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: dighton

Some years ago the southeast was experiencing a wide spread blizzard. An eastern airlines pilot arriving for a landing in Atlanta announced to his passengers that “It looks like an explosion in a grits factory down there.”


70 posted on 03/17/2009 7:12:01 PM PDT by billhilly
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To: infidel29

Grits are great! Don’t ask for them after 2 PM at Bob Evans.
Cornbread is properly served with my chili with beans, or ham and northerns.


71 posted on 03/17/2009 7:14:52 PM PDT by steve8714 (Drill for oil, drill for gas, drill to heat water in the Earth.)
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To: autumnraine
Between my husband, myself and my kids, we go through a five pound bag a week.

OK, I'm impressed. We have 'em once or twice a week on the weekend.

72 posted on 03/17/2009 7:15:11 PM PDT by an amused spectator (Obama: The Kenyan Anthony Fremont)
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To: mamelukesabre

Hey now! That’s dancing awful close to the line! :-)


73 posted on 03/17/2009 7:15:51 PM PDT by an amused spectator (Obama: The Kenyan Anthony Fremont)
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To: hiredhand
Oh man...you pour your grits into a small bread pan and let em cool....then slice em up and fry em in grease from a good country ham. I'll be back. I have to get a snack NOW!

How do I love my grits? Let me count the ways...

Only Yankees let stuff like syrup get anywhere near them, though.

74 posted on 03/17/2009 7:17:59 PM PDT by an amused spectator (Obama: The Kenyan Anthony Fremont)
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To: Puddleglum
I like them with butter, salt and pepper.

My favorite way.

75 posted on 03/17/2009 7:19:08 PM PDT by an amused spectator (Obama: The Kenyan Anthony Fremont)
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To: Vinnie
Grits casserole

I'm getting hungry...

76 posted on 03/17/2009 7:21:58 PM PDT by an amused spectator (Obama: The Kenyan Anthony Fremont)
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To: deport

I eat my grits with butter, salt pepper, tabasco, and two fried eggs. YUM!

I will confess to eating them with brown sugar and raisins, also, but don’t tell anyone.


77 posted on 03/17/2009 7:23:02 PM PDT by irishtenor (What if Pro Wrestling is real and all the rest of life is fake?)
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To: pabianice

I heard that grits and Portugese were the only things the Donner Party wouldn’t eat!


78 posted on 03/17/2009 7:24:17 PM PDT by Redleg Duke ("Sarah Palin...Unleashing the Fury of the Castrated Left!")
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To: irishtenor

I will confess to eating them with brown sugar and raisins, also, but don’t tell anyone.


I like raisins and molasses mixed in oatmeal also.


79 posted on 03/17/2009 7:24:45 PM PDT by deport
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To: Viking2002

Well, I don’t know what a grit is, but they sound a little like the Italian dish polenta. To me, it’s bland and boring, and I call it cornmeal.

However, if you put some good home-made sauce on it, add some tender meatballs and good quality parmasaen cheese, and it’s not so bad.

Are grits just cornmeal?


80 posted on 03/17/2009 7:25:15 PM PDT by JudyinCanada
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