Chili Cook Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for
you.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield , IL.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck,
when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - Mikes MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what
I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED’S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting
drunk from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. < BR>
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing its too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
LOL beer did not help the situation!
So I followed it up with something sweet:
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the churchwomen’s group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say .
"Thank you, I baked it myself."
I laughed! I have never understood how chili making one’s mouth go numb is a sign of good chili.