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Posted on 06/01/2008 5:39:33 PM PDT by Soaring Feather
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Sarge
A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the General’s new bird dog, “Sarge.”
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn’t part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. “What happened to ole “Sarge?” he asked.
“Had to shoot him,” grumbled the General. “A friend came to hunt with me and couldn’t remember the dog’s name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark.”
Here, get thee to a Punnery:
- Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
- Income Tax: Capital punishment.
- A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
- "Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second. "Is that all you think about?"
- Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
- To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
- A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
- Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
- Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
- Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
- Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common? A: They both involve sandy claws.
- Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
- Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
- Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
- Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
- The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could No longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear Case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
- Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00"
- Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? He strained himself.
-California smog test: Can UCLA?
for .... making " an obscene clone fall"
Games For The Elderly
Sag, You’re it
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Kick the bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
Doc Goose.
Simon says something incoherent.
Hide and go pee.
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
Musical recliners.
What A Difference 31 Years Make
1970: Wore long hair
2001: Longing for hair
1970: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high.
2001: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Finding a friend to split the price of a keg.
2001: Finding a friend to take me to have an EKG.
1970: Sitting through sessions of Acid Rock.
2001: Sitting through sessions of Acid Reflux.
1970: Thinking of moving to a real kool place.
2001: Thinking of moving to a real warm place.
1970: News stories of people growing pot.
2001: The reality of growing a pot belly.
1970: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with my mother and sister.
2001: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with my grown children.
1970: Trying to look like Richard Roundtree or Ron O’Neal.
2001: Trying NOT to look like Richard Roundtree or Ron O’Neal.
1970: Chewing on seeds and stems.
2001: Chewing on lots of roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2001: Popping joints, needing those pills.
1970: Noting our president’s struggle with Fidel.
2001: Noting our president’s struggle with fidelity.
1970: Admiring JACK PAAR.
2001: Joining AARP
1970: Avoiding Killer weed.
2001: Avoiding Weed killer.
1970: Hoping to “get lucky” on a date.
2001: Hoping you won’t catch anything from your “lucky” date.
1970: Reading about The Grateful Dead.
2001: Reading about Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2001: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Listening to the Rolling Stones.
2001: Struggling with Kidney stones.
1970: Yelling, “Screw the system!”
2001: Reminding yourself to, “Upgrade the damn system!”
1970: Throwing the Peace sign.
2001: Watching the Mercedes logo.
1970: Friends who wouldn’t get their hair cut.
2001: Children begging to get their heads shaved.
1970: Talking to friends about taking acid.
2001: Talking to friends about taking antacid.
1970: Proud to be passing the driver’s test.
2001: Barely passing the vision test.
1970: “Whatever” was a typical response.
2001: “That Depends” is the way to go.
Funny Newspaper Headlines
>From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
“Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled ‘For The Sick,’ is for monetary donations only.”
>From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
‘Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner’s Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.”
>From The Times:
A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: ‘This sort of thing is all too common these days.’
>From The Gloucester Citizen:
A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled ‘Hear Me Moan’ the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, ‘He got what he deserved.’
>From The Barnsley Chronicle:
Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, had visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg over.
>From The Scottish Big Issue:
In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a ‘My Name is Henry’ convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. ‘It was a lie’, explained Mr Pap, ‘I’m a Henry and always will be,’ whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane.
>From The Daily Telegraph:
In a piece headed “Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes”: “[T]he money will not be going directly into the prostitutes’ pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.”
>From The Derby Abbey Community News:
We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that ‘Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.’ This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the police farce.
>From The Guardian:
After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to ‘Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards.’ The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.
>From The Manchester Evening News:
Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.
God, grant me the Senility To forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight To tell the difference.
That funny LJ
BTW any of you have childhood like me
Spent time in Day camp during Summer
After July 15 spent time play pick up baseball or basketball game or spent time at crib
Watch old movies in the moring
Then Twilight Zone Soap Operas Star Trek
Then on the weekend watch cartoon Godzilla movies
Gee where that come
In the morning I went out the door, explored the woods and did stuff with neighbor kids until called for supper. If we got hungry in between, someone’s mother would treat us.
Those were the days!
Tomkow do you have Soldier boy?
By what that band name
Yeah that my days when I play pickup baseball or basketball
There was days that too hot in SO CAL that we stay in door beside I have allergies when I was a kid that prevent to be in LA City smog LOL!
Yes, it was pretty much that way for me, too. We lived in the sticks, I learned to swim in the creek on our land, if mom was not there we made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Our average is only seven to nine days over 90º. If you don’t like the heat there, you’ll fit in great here.
Do you get out of LA, get to see the real sky?
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