My lawyers are freaking out

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs ^ | May 15, 2008 | Fake Steve Jobs

[HAL9000]

Excerpt -

Just got a nervous call from my lawyers who said they wanted to give me a "heads up" about a "situation" at Broadcom. See more about it here. Basically the feds are going after some Broadcom execs over some options backdating stuff. I'm like, So what? I don't work at Broadcom. They're like, Um, well, see, Broadcom did its own internal investigation and already cleared these guys, and the SEC isn't buying it apparently, and though the company itself has already settled the whole thing the SEC is still going after the executives as individuals. Now you do you see? Is this ringing any bells?

I'm like, No, not at all. I don't hear any bells. I'm sorry.

They go, Steve, your former CFO at Pixar is getting hassled over options backdating. And your former general counsel at Apple is going to trial too. Still not setting off any alarms over there?

I'm like, Nope. No alarms. Just working on my super tasty new iPhone, but thanks for the call. Now I gotta go, my signal is breaking up, I'm going into a tunnel, I think I'm losing you, can you hear me? Can you? I can't hear you. Losing you. Okay. I'll call you back. Bye.

~ snip ~

[HAL9000]

Broadcom did its own internal investigation and already cleared these guys, and the SEC isn't buying it apparently

Al Gore ran the internal investigation for Apple.

[higgmeister]

This one is a couple of years old but it is just the way I imagined they would speak. Thanks for the chuckle this evening.

And I'm like, Al, what are you talking about? He goes, Well, all that stuff she told you, you know, about the hospitals, the medications, the straitjackets, well, that's all true. Yeah. I'm wacky as a dime watch, Steve. Seriously. I've been battling this stuff all my life. I figured you'd find out sooner or later. To be honest I'm kind of surprised you didn't find that out when you did the background check. And I'm like, Al, we didn't do a background check, cause I mean, you were the friggin Vice President, right? What's to check? You had your finger on the button, for Pete's sake. And he goes, Yeah, that's kinda scary when you think about it, isn't it? I mean, man, there were times when I just got so down, I mean really down, and I just wanted to go in there and blow up the friggin world, I'm not kidding. Almost did it a couple of times but they caught me sneaking in. And this whole global warming thing? It's a crock. Tipper got me into it figuring I needed something to do after I got my ass beat by that chimp Bush. So fine. Put together some Powerpoint slides, go on the road, keep me busy. My doc said okay as long as I had some supervision. Said the public speaking would be reparative. Whatever. But then the whole thing just snowballed out of control. I mean people started believing this crap. Man. Now these morons like Markos Moulitsas are pushing me to run for president. Meanwhile, old Hillary Rodham Corleone already sat me down and showed me the dossier they got on me, and told me if I dare run against her she'll make sure I'm roommates with Jimmy Hoffa, if you know what I mean, and believe me, man, that babe ain't kidding. Not at all.

He sighs and goes, So anyway, thanks for putting me on your board for a while. It really cheered me up. It's been real fun, honest. I enjoyed it. And I got to hang out with Bono and people like that, which is pretty cool. You know, for a short time I actually felt like I mattered again. Like life was worth living. So anyway, we'll just work it out somehow, I'll resign over the Labor Day weekend or something and say it's cause I'm really busy with the Greenpeace bullcrap or something, okay?

And I'm like, Hey, Al -- don't you even think about that. That's not how SPJ rolls, brother. You're on my board and that's it. He sniffs and goes, You mean it? I'm like, Al, you're my bud. I don't care about this other crap. You're my bud. And I'll tell you someting else, you are gonna run for president, and you know what? You're gonna win. He goes, Aw, come on, now you're talking crazy, you're nuttier than me! And I go maybe I am, buddy, maybe I am, and we both kinda laugh, and I go, I guess maybe we're both a little wacky, right? Maybe you gotta be to do what we do. Whatever. We're in this together, brother. I'm serious. So. We square? He says, Yeah, we're square. I go, You're staying on the board? You betcha, he says. Thanks again, man. Don't thank me, I say. Okay. Okay. Gotta go. I love you, man. Talk soon.