I’m going to take into account that it has been concludively proven that extended periods of residence in the UP can distort one’s vision, judgement and exacerbate the “beer goggle” effect.
You’re in the land of Southern Belles now. Stop and smell (and SEE) the roses.
Here in Wisconsin, as long as she is over a duce, she could be the county Dairy Queen. Our legal system is a bit more real than the rest of the country. We give credits for stuff like doing chores before sunrise, ability to drink a case of beer before a parent/teacher conference, jiggly lady lumps when riding bitch on the back of the Harley, and taking the wet spot without whining.