The Official Friday Silliness Thread
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Or get too drunk and pass out
The Official Friday Silliness Thread
~ Click here to be added or taken off the list ~
Are you sorry for your sins?
Sins? I don't see any sins...
No? What kind of Catholic ARE you?
Catholic? I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish!
Then why are you telling me?
Father, I'm 92 years old, and I'm telling EVERYBODY!
THE PHEASANT PLUCKER'S SONG by Anon Me husband is a keeper, he's a very busy man, I try to understand him and I help him all I can, But sometimes of an evening I feel a trifle dim, All alone and plucking pheasants when I'd rather pluck with him. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's mate And I'm only plucking pheasants Cause the pheasant plucker's late. I'm not good at plucking pheasants, pheasant plucking I get stuck, Though some peasants find it pleasant I'd much rather pluck a duck, Oh, but plucking geese is gorgeous, I can pluck a goose with ease But plucking pheasants is sheer torture, for they haven't any grease. I'm not the pheasant plucker, He has gone out on the tiles, He only plucked one pheasant And I'm sitting here with piles. You have to pluck them fresh, if they're fresh it's not unpleasant, I knew a man in Dunstable, could pluck a frozen pheasant. They say the village constable has pheasant plucking sessions With the vicar of a Sunday 'tween the first and second lessons. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son, And I'm only plucking pheasants Till the pheasant pluckers come. My good friend Godfrey's most adept, he's really got the knack, He likes to have a pheasant plucked before he hits the sack. I try and lend a helping hand, I gather up the feathers, It's really all this pheasant plucking keeps us here together. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's friend, And I'm only plucking pheasants As a means unto an end. Me husband's in the woods all day, a-banging with his gun, If he could hear me heartfelt cries, then surely he would run, For I've fluff in all me crannies and there's feathers up me nose, And I'm itchin' in the kitchen' from me head down to me toes. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's wife, And when we pluck together It's a pheasant plucking life!
A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the Lab replies. “So, what’s your story?” The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. “I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. “Ten dollars,” the guy says. “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?” “Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
SPRING BREAK????
I'll drink to that!!!
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories:
Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.”
“What’s the moral of that story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched’.”
“That was a fine story Sarah.” said the teacher.
“Michael, do you have a story to share?” “Yes,” said Michael, “My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon. Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
“Stay the heck away from Auntie Sharon when she’s been drinking!”
Bump
Lancaster New Era
Published: Mar 06, 2008
By JANET KELLEY, Staff It was bad enough when the Lebanon County woman crashed her sport-utility vehicle early this morning in Clay Township. But making matters worse, police said, when Melissa M. Herr, 37, of Kleinfeltersville, got out of her vehicle to look at the damage, she tumbled down a well. Herr was eventually rescued and taken to Lancaster General Hospital, state police said. She was not seriously injured, troopers said, but sustained bruises to her back and arms.
She also faces drunken driving charges, Trooper Paul E. Hardnock said.
According to state police, Herr was traveling north on North Clay Road, past Hopeland Road, around 12:30 a.m. today when she struck a fence and the concrete pad over a well. Neighbors heard the crash and went to investigate, officials said, and saw Herr get out of the vehicle and start to walk around. As someone called 911 for help, witnesses told officials they saw her fall into the 30-foot well. The cold water was up to her chest, officials said, and Herr was down in the well for about 30 minutes until she could be rescued by volunteers from Brickerville and Durlach fire departments. Herr was flown to the hospital for treatment of her injuries, and her vehicle was towed from the scene, state police said. The roads around the accident scene were closed for a period of time until the woman could be rescued from the well.
Witnesses claimed she told police to watch out for the first step as it was very high step.
For those who slept through World History 101...... here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man. These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.
Have a great day!
| You Are Most Like Ronald Reagan |
 But even if people do disagree with you, they still fall victim to your charms! |
