Posted on 03/07/2008 4:50:15 AM PST by Lucky9teen
LOL. I was trying to smush that bug that had landed on my screen.
Lancaster New Era
Published: Mar 06, 2008
By JANET KELLEY, Staff It was bad enough when the Lebanon County woman crashed her sport-utility vehicle early this morning in Clay Township. But making matters worse, police said, when Melissa M. Herr, 37, of Kleinfeltersville, got out of her vehicle to look at the damage, she tumbled down a well. Herr was eventually rescued and taken to Lancaster General Hospital, state police said. She was not seriously injured, troopers said, but sustained bruises to her back and arms.
She also faces drunken driving charges, Trooper Paul E. Hardnock said.
According to state police, Herr was traveling north on North Clay Road, past Hopeland Road, around 12:30 a.m. today when she struck a fence and the concrete pad over a well. Neighbors heard the crash and went to investigate, officials said, and saw Herr get out of the vehicle and start to walk around. As someone called 911 for help, witnesses told officials they saw her fall into the 30-foot well. The cold water was up to her chest, officials said, and Herr was down in the well for about 30 minutes until she could be rescued by volunteers from Brickerville and Durlach fire departments. Herr was flown to the hospital for treatment of her injuries, and her vehicle was towed from the scene, state police said. The roads around the accident scene were closed for a period of time until the woman could be rescued from the well.
Witnesses claimed she told police to watch out for the first step as it was very high step.
Something To Offend Nearly Everyone
Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office’s flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They’re hiring
Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work
in the future either.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi
farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description
of the animal on the front of the cage
along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the “F” word?
A. Get another sweet little
80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run,
jump or swim are already in the United
States.
Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time...”
A southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh**.”
Fresh from the shower, my wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I
uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion. ‘If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.’
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. ‘How long will this take?’ she asked.
‘They will grow larger over a period of years,’ I reply.
She stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’
Without missing a beat I say ‘Worked for your butt, didn't it?’
I'm still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, I may even walk again,
Although I will probably continue to take my meals through a straw.
I'm a stupid, stupid man.
That was even better. haha, but I didn’t try to smush that one. I held out my finger and it flew around and lit on it.
See my tagline
Loved your dog pics, very beautiful, artistic.
I was traveling between West Palm Beach and Boca Raton the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?”
“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.
“You a Republican or Democrat?” asked the old man.
“Republican,” I replied.
“Well, you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, “Republican.” The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.
“Democrat,” I shouted.
“Hop in,” replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car!”
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. ‘What’s the matter?” she asked.
“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied, “I’ve only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody !!”
A Condensed Version of History
Humans originally existed as members of
small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer,
and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer.
These were the foundation of modern
civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain
and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet for shipping the beer, so early humans stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and
killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled
at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and do the sewing, fetching, and shampooing and dressing of hair. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.
Some of these liberal men evolved into
women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of socialism so they could divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be
symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with a
lime or an orange added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish (but like their beef well done), sushi, tofu, and French food. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and group therapists are liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women and families. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies like to hire other conservatives because they want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives first came to America They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
This ends today’s lesson in world
history......
Lemme guess,
you heard it through the grapevine.
Dr Shoe’s Medical Advice
I just had this passed on to me and I think that it is extrememly valueabe for you to read this...your health may depend on it
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it.. Don’t waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening...Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around! !
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “WOO HOO, What a Ride!”
A little Redneck North South Humor?
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Central South Carolina recently
with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin’ a cove well-known for
its
fishing. The game warden asked the man, ‘Do you have a license to
catch those fish?’ ‘Naw, sir’, replied the redneck. ‘I ain’t got none of
them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.’
‘Pet fish?’ ‘Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the
lake
and let ‘em swim ‘round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take ‘em home.’ ‘That’s a
bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that.’ The redneck looked at the warden
for
a moment and then said,’It’s the truth Mr. Government Man. Lemmee show
ya.
It
really works.’ ‘O. K.’, said the warden. ‘I’ve got to see this!’
The
redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
several
minutes, the warden says, ‘Well?’ ‘Well, what?’, says the redneck.
The
warden
says, ‘When are you going to call them back?’ ‘Call who back?’
‘The
FISH’, replied the warden! Huh? ‘What fish?’I aint seen no fish, replied the redneck. ...
Moral
of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t
as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about
the
South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
That’s a good one:)
Yeah it made me laugh too
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