If this woman were prevented from fanning her face with her hands, she would have exactly ZERO acting ability.
Posted on 02/04/2008 7:49:58 AM PST by SmithL
Jennifer Winston, of Concord, excused herself and walked out to her car before allowing her tears to flow.
She was working in the hotel industry, and a confrontational co-worker had left her upset.
"I felt like crying but I wouldn't do it in front of people," Winston says. "I think in the workplace it shows weakness and it makes everyone uncomfortable."
Tears often involve a complexity of emotions. They can be of elation, sorrow, stress, frustration -- or all of the above. And while Winston was able to prevent public waterworks, much attention has been paid recently to figures in the media who have not. From Ellen DeGeneres' October sob-fest over her displaced puppy to Hillary Clinton's glistening eyes during last month's New Hampshire primary, the way a person cries in public and over what can determine how the tears will be received.
Of enormous consequence is also whether said crier is a man or a woman. It's certainly no secret that a double standard exists: Men who cry are sensitive while female criers are often labeled as overly emotional or even manipulative.
"'Good tears' are tears under control -- the moist eye, the almost-tears that show that a person feels very deeply, but still is in control of her or his emotion," says Stephanie Shields, psychology professor at Pennsylvania State University and author of "Speaking From the Heart: Gender and the Social Meaning of Emotion" (Cambridge University Press).
So, Terrell Owens' recent quiver lip over a Dallas Cowboys loss probably yielded more sympathy than DeGeneres' bawling or televangelist Jim Bakker's infamous wet face, circa 1989.
Public tears of joy or emotion -- crying during a play, when accepting an Oscar, winning a sporting match, or if your wife tells you she's pregnant -- are also acceptable, says Peggy Klaus, Berkeley-based author of "The Hard Truth About Soft Skills" (Collins). So are tears that soften an otherwise steely persona -- well done, Hillary -- and tears of relief or pride.
After two co-workers attacked her programming and character, Lia Fischer, of San Francisco, was defended by her two supervisors. Later, when one of the managers asked Fischer how she felt about the situation, she welled up.
"I felt understood," says Fischer, who works at a nonprofit organization. "I've never worked for a corporation and been asked how I feel."
Jen Paulo, of Lafayette, has shed a few tears in public, most at restaurants while having a spat with a boyfriend, she says.
"I feel just as embarrassed doing that as I would crying at work," she says. "I don't like anyone to see me cry because I'm very private."
Shields' studies with fellow psychologist Leah Warner reveal that people's tears are viewed more positively when the event that elicits tears is personal or serious and one over which they have no control, Shields says. So getting tragic news at work is viewed as a better reason to cry than your computer crashing.
But if you do find yourself getting choked up at the office, try pinching yourself behind the knee or biting your lip to avoid crying, says Klaus, who coaches Fortune 500 companies in communication. Unless the tears are brought on by untimely news, work-related crying can hurt your career, Klaus says.
"You have got to be able to detach yourself from the project or meeting at hand," she says. "Be cognizant of your emotional temperature. Learn how to mitigate it."
Rachel Arruda, of Walnut Creek, once cried at work. She'd just been notified of her grandfather's death. Now, as a manager in retail banking, Arruda says she deals with an employee who gets emotional in front of customers.
"Take them in the back room and beat some sense into them," she says of unnecessary workplace crying. "It's not professional."
Theodore Kim, of San Francisco, works as a manager in computer operations for dot-coms. He describes it as a male-dominated, high-pressure environment, adding that every minute a client's computer system is down means a loss in revenue.
"The only two women who've ever reported to me have cried at work," says Kim, adding that a male subordinate he laid off also started tearing up. "It was very uncomfortable."
Kim told one female employee that "she screwed up" and that she needed to "make sure it doesn't happen again." But when he noticed her tears, he tried to comfort her. "Don't take it so personally," he said. "It's work-related."
Based on his experiences, Kim says he feels he can be more direct and stern with male employees, who yell or pump their fists in response to stress, than female employees, who may cry.
"I don't like female direct reports because of it," he says. "When someone cries you're automatically taken out of professional mode."
Klaus calls it the "catastrophe creep." Women's genetic makeup and the way they are reared may explain why they cry more often, she says. Moreover, Klaus notes that her female clients tend to amplify a negative situation, turning rejection or anger inward and being riddled with self-doubt. Hence more watershed moments.
But, "as women enter the (male-dominated) executive suites in greater numbers, they have to submerge their personality into that of the corporation," says Tom Lutz, a UC Riverside professor and author of "Crying: The Natural and Cultural History of Tears" (W.W. Norton & Co.). "They have to act rationally rather than emotionally, because that's what keeps the cogs of the industrial machine cogging along."
Ironically, it's white men who are given an advantage when it comes to crying, according to Warner and Shields' 2005 study on the perception of crying in women and men. The psychologists presented 284 subjects with a series of vignettes and found that a controlled moist eye from a man evoked a "Mr. Sensitive" appreciation, while a woman who cried heavily was more likely to be perceived as overly emotional or out of control, according to the study.
Another reason we favor male tears may be the increase of men tearing up in public life since the 1980s. Ronald Reagan, the "Great Communicator," used tears in quite strategic ways, Shields says. Since then, every U.S. president, including Bill Clinton, has teared up.
Furthermore, experts agree that Sept. 11 made weeping in public earnest and unavoidable. Recall the always stoic Dan Rather of CBS breaking down at David Letterman's side.
If you look further into history, you'll find more examples of crying men, Lutz says. In the great debates of 1858, Abraham Lincoln cried, he says, and Democrat Stephen Douglas cried right back.
"To weep on the stump was considered a staple of the orator's art," Lutz says. "All the 19th century American politicians wept."
-- Jessica Yadegaran
A Timeline of tears
The waterworks of these celebrities and public figures have had a far wider audience than yours ever will:
“Men who cry are sensitive while female criers are often labeled as overly emotional or even manipulative. “
That’s less of a double standard than the article lets on. A crying man is weak. A crying woman is scary. Both are then outcast.
the “double standard” is simply observation of gender differences.
The public reaction to crying is dependent upon the nature and cause of the tears. Tearing up when visiting the Holocaust Museum or when discussing the death, injury, or illness of a loved one is a normal reaction. Bawling like a baby over lesser things is viewed as a sign of weakness.
If this woman were prevented from fanning her face with her hands, she would have exactly ZERO acting ability.
And now, the sHrill one is “tearing up” AGAIN on the campaign trail, and all sorts of women are going to rush to comfort her in the form of votes. Blech.
Women who use tears to manipulate others set back real women for YEARS. I resent her use of tears.
Slow news day...
Our Dad’s sister does that ; she is an alchie , and whenever she abuses people or damages things she turns on the tap and all is forgiven . Of course there is nothing wrong with ladies getting moist eyed over emotional things - after all as Freepers we often slag the Left for trying to make out the genders are exactly the same !
As for men crying in public - well - I’m a Yorkshireman by birth so to me any man grizzling in a public place should be dragged off to an empty car park and have his nads kicked in .
PS Has anyone seen my application form for professor of Liberal Studies at the University of San Francisco ? Oh well it must have got lost in the post .
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