Barry says: "Hello there."
Posted on 01/18/2008 4:59:39 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Barry says: "Hello there."
Uncle Jay Explains The News
See http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=575
(The vid stops abt 4 times but hang in there.)
And the postman was a little behind on Second Street. He got a little behind on First Street.
You sure that’s not, “Allah barfs”?
Gives those "mud angels" a whole new twist... huh? :^)
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY ping to post 37
Coincidentally, brewery is tough to say without sounding drunk.
Thanks for the Blonde, Ping.
Politically Incorrect and Damn Proud!! ha ha ha
What’s long and hard on a black man?
- Father’s Day
What’s long and hard on a mexican man?
- 5th grade
What’s long and hard on a white man?
- Nothing
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties!
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not”
Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
Brian O’Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some! It¢s a six-pack; to me it’s a Support Group Salvation in a can!
Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Calvin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Calvin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They
actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol’ Blue how to talk!”
“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”
“Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says. “I’ll get him in the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son,” his father asks.
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”
“Read!” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
“Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing’ around with that little redhead who lives in town?”
The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!”
I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
“The kid went on to be a successful lawyer”.
Old Rancher
>
> The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in
> town.
>
> Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he
> was marrying a “mail order” bride.
>
> Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
> Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of
> his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in
> November.”
>
> Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the
> sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an
> eighty-year-old man.
>
> Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker
> tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand
> to help him out on the ranch,knowing nature would take its own course.
>
> Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one
> that afternoon.
>
> About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
>
> “How’s the new wife?”, asked the banker.
>
> Tom proudly said, “Good - she’s pregnant.”
>
> The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
> “And how’s the hired hand?”
>
> Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.”
>
> Don’t ever underestimate old Geezers
Also a real country song: “I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back In My Bed Whilst I Cried Over You”
Oh yeah — I remember that song!!
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