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Furious George This is George.

George was an angry little monkey, always getting mad at things he should ignore, always quick to blame other people for things he did himself, and always very furious.

George lived with the man with the yellow pills, who he also called the man with the yellow hat. The yellow pills made George calm and almost okay to live with.

One day George and the man with the yellow hat went out for a drive in the country. George wanted to drive the little blue car but the man with the yellow hat said "George, that's not safe. You don't know how to drive. Remember the time you stole the police car and ran over all those people at the bus stop because you thought they were looking at you?"

George didn't like being reminded of that story. He had to go talk to a judge because of it and the judge made George take the yellow pills that made him sleepy.

George got mad when the man with the yellow hat said that to him so he ripped off the man's hat and threw it in the creek by the side of the road. For the rest of the day, George called him "The man without the yellow hat."

Today was a nice day to be outside and George decided he would build a tree house. George wasn't very good at building things, but somehow, he decided this would be the best tree house ever.

George asked the man with the yellow hat if he'd give him a ride to the lumberyard, but the man said "No, George, the car won't work because someone put sugar in the gas tank. Do you know who put sugar in the gas tank, George?" George said he didn't know, but really he did. George put sugar in the man with the yellow hat's gas tank on account of he believed the man had stolen the prize out of his cereal box. Later, he remembered that he dug the prize out as soon as he opened the box and soon thereafter broke it.

George walked to the lumberyard and stole some pieces of wood. He distracted the men who worked there by starting a fire at one end of the yard and when they ran to put it out, George stole some of what he needed. He'd need to start many more fires to get all the wood the tree house called for, but that was to worry about another day.

When George got back home, he started to look for his tools. He needed a saw, a hammer, a level and a door plumb. He looked in the man with the yellow hat's toolbox, but couldn't find the saw. Then, George remembered he'd left it outside the week before when he was making a soapbox derby racecar that he never even came close to finishing.

The man with the yellow hat had warned him to bring all the tools back in, but clearly he didn't warn him well enough. This was everybody's fault but his own thought George. The saw was stiff and rusty and was coming loose from the handle.

George knew he needed to get a new saw. George knew he'd have to buy it, which required money, yet one other thing George didn't have. But George did know where to get some. He opened the kitchen drawer and took out the envelope that said "RENT MONEY, DO NOT TOUCH" and took out a handful of twenties. That should be enough to buy the best saw in the world and enough ice cream to make him throw up in the gutter several times over.

George walked to the hardware store and cracked the front door open; he waved the money and then walked in. George had been told not to come back unless he had money because one time he ate a bag full of wing nuts and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance.

George looked all over the store for a saw, high and low, there and here, but couldn't find anything. George was terrible at looking for things because he didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing and his mind often wandered. Still, George was getting angry. In fact, he was getting one of those headaches he got right before he had "an episode" in which he broke all sorts of things and did terrible things that he didn't remember.

George wanted someone at the hardware store to help him, but one of the workers there was already helping another customer and the other guy was making keys for someone.

Then, George saw an old man who looked like he probably worked there. If George had looked a little closer, he'd have seen that the man was really just there to buy a drain snake, but George didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing.

George became very angry that the old man wasn't coming over to help him. George became so angry that he picked up a hammer and threw it at the man, hitting him on the back of the head. At that point, everything went kind of crazy in George's mind, but from what he could piece together, somehow, everything got twisted around and George was blamed for throwing the hammer and he had to run home while the employees and customers from the hardware store chased him along with the police and the jerks from Animal Control.

George spent the rest of the day hiding under the sofa, watching Animal Planet. He never did get that saw, the loads and loads of ice cream, or to build the tree house. George did hide the money he stole from the rent envelope though.

THE END.

Subject: Idiot Sightings, They Do Walk Among Us!!!

IDIOT SIGHTING: I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
“large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that
we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He
shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded
that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than
two.” We haven’t used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer
are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for
them to be crossing anymore.” From Kingman , KS .

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal
lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep... From Kansas City !

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge. To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge,
how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we
ask.” Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
coworker of mine. She asked if knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!” She was a probation
officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.
She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented
cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another
word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn’t understand
why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County
Sheriffs office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger
side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open! His reply, “I
know - I already got that side.” This was at the Ford dealership in
Canton , Mississippi

If I paid attention to ALL the e-mail I got last year....

I would no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I would no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I would no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I would no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I would no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans .

I would no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I would no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.

I would no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I would no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I would no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I would no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician...

For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember :

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it’s gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

8. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

9. A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”

10. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

11. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN SO MUCH

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom! That lady
isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she
asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter,
haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop?’
‘Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.
‘My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her.
‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward
me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he
asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’ ‘And why not,
darling?’ ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.”

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother.
‘I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in
the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s
underwear.’

Passed to me, and so I pass it on, with a note that this almost covers my own toddler to a “T”...

The Toddler’s Creed

If it is on, I must turn it off.

If it is off, I must turn it on.

If it is folded, I must unfold it.

If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.

If it is a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.

If it is high, it must be reached - at any cost.

If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.

If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.

If it has leaves, they must be picked and eaten.

If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.

If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.

If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.

If it is closed, it must be opened.

If it does not open, it must be screamed at.

If it has drawers, they must be rifled.

If it is a wax crayon or permanent marker, it must write on the refrigerator, furniture, floor and/or walls.

If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.

If it is empty, it will be more interesting filled.

If it is a pile of dirt, it must be rolled upon.

If it is a stroller, it must, under no circumstances, be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.

If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back and endless screaming.

If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon - preferably with a very hard object.

If Mommy’s hands are full, I must be carried.

If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.

If it is paper, it must be torn.

If it has buttons, they must be pressed.

If the volume is low, it must go high.

If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.

If it is a drawer, it must be pulled open and - if at all possible - pulled completely out.

If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.

If it isn’t a toothbrush, it must also be inserted into my mouth.

If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.

If it is a phone, I must scream to it.

If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.

If it doesn’t stick on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.

If it sticks on my spoon, the spoon must be dropped on the floor.

If it is NOT food, it must be tasted.

If it IS food, it must NOT be tasted.

If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, juice, pee, or toilet water.