1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. (For that matter, yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.)
2. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
3. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. And besides, Dogs are better than cats, period.
4. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time. Besides, you have more than enough clothes in the closet. Just look past the acres and acres of shoes!
6. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
7. Yes, it’s about time you admit it to yourself: Your brother is an idiot.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
9. Check your damn oil! If you wait for the little light on the dash to light up, IT’S TOO LATE!
10. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
11. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
12. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
14. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99.
Hot Breakfast: $4.20.
Two Aspirins: $.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Sunday’s sermon was-—Forgive Your Enemies.
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones?”; “Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual.
How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight.” she replied.
“Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
“I outlived the bitches.”
Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter’s “gatekeeping” questions.
“And what area of health care were you involved with?” he asked the first. “I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood,” the man replied.
“Excellent,” said St. Peter, “how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward.”
“And you?” Peter asked the second.
“I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms.”
“A noble calling, indeed,” said Peter, “you’re in!”
“What about you?” he asked the third.
“Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan.”
St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: “I’ve got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days.”