Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter’s “gatekeeping” questions.
“And what area of health care were you involved with?” he asked the first. “I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood,” the man replied.
“Excellent,” said St. Peter, “how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward.”
“And you?” Peter asked the second.
“I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms.”
“A noble calling, indeed,” said Peter, “you’re in!”
“What about you?” he asked the third.
“Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan.”
St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: “I’ve got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days.”
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
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Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
1. There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops, AND they would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" crap.
6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions".
10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. After all, when was the last time you priced out strippers and an “open bar” policy?
13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.
14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her backside.
16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.
17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
And finally the invitations would read as follows...