By coincidence Bill Clinton and Pope John Paul II die on the same day. When the smoke clears the Pope realizes he's standing at the entry way to Hell. The devil sees him standing there and comes over with a very puzzled expression on his face. He assures the Pope that there must be some mistake and goes off to check. He comes back in a few minutes, very apologetic, and explains that there was a mix-up in destinations for him and another person, and that of course the Pope is in the wrong place. He tells the Pope that it'll take about 24 hours to straighten things out. The Pope assures the devil that he understands that 'these things happen' and he spends the 24 hours ministering to the tormented souls in hell, trying to comfort them.
The next morning the devil leads the Pope to a long escalator going up. He thanks the Pope again for his understanding and patience, and directs him to the escalator explaining that it will deposit him outside the Pearly Gates. As the Pope is heading up the escalator, he see Bill Clinton on his way down. They meet half way and pause to chat and renew their acquaintence. The Pope tells Clinton that he's sorry he's headed for Hell, but Clinton shrugs and tells the Pope that Heaven is indeed a wonderful place, and asks the Pope what is the first thing he wants to do there.
"Well," says the Pope, "I come from Poland and as a people we have always had a deep, spiritual relationship with the Mother of God. So I suppose what I'm looking forward most to is meeting the Virgin Mary at last.
Clinton turns and heads down, and calls over his shoulder, "You're a day late."
GORILLA MATING
A small zoo in Arkansas had a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem: the
gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the
animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing
to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he
would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
1. “First”, Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.”
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. “Second”, he said, “You can’t never tell no one about this.”
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. “Third”, Bobby Lee said, “I want all the chil’run raised
Southern Baptist.”
Once again, the Keeper agreed.
4. “And last of all,” Bobby Lee stated, “You gotta give me another
week to come up with the $500.00.”