Arrr! They be on either side of me Buckin' head.
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"Arrrr... What shoulda ye mean by them words, matey?" the pirate replies, "I'm feelin' a quite bit snappy, today."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Arrrr," says the pirate, "listen close to me, matey. We was in a fierce battle upon the brine and a cannon ball hit me leg and tore it clean off... but the surgeon, 'e fix me up, and I'm feelin' quite spry, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Arrrr," says the pirate, "We was in another fierce battle over Davy Jones' Locker and as we boarded the lily-livered scalliwag's ship. I found meself in a fierce sword fight and me hand was cut clean off... but the surgeon, 'e fix me up with this hook, and I'm feelin' a might fine, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Arrrr," says the pirate, "One fair day when we were upon the briney, thar be a flock of gulls asoarin' over me ship. I looked up, and one of them, why 'e shat in me eye..."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"
"Aye," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook just yet, arrrr...."