September 8, 2006
Berkeley, California
Thank God I was able to thwart Kareem/Scooter's suicide doll-bomb attack on the "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland. Choosing not to expose myself, I simply replaced the explosives with Play-Do in the doll's bomb vests. As it turned out, Kareem and his little friends still had a good time at Disneyland even without blowing anything up, although one of them fell out of the boat while placing the dolls and ended up with a nasty infection from the water. Good.
A few days later, I had a very bad feeling in my gut when I saw the jihadists in my back yard trying to get the Play-Do to explode. That evening Kareem was extremely cold and condescending to me and it was obvious he had figured out what I had done. When I walked by his bedroom I also noticed he had mutilated my photo and written, "DIE DIE DIE" in red crayon across its tattered remains - not good. I was now afraid and knew I had to be vigilant, or die.
When I woke up the next morning I found a VHS tape beside my bed with a grape jelly-smeared Post-It note that said, "watch me," so I did. The five-minute video consisted of a masked figure draped in a robe (obviously Scooter wearing one of my nightgowns), standing in front of a poster of Louis Farrakhan, reading a "fatwa" threatening me with a horrible death as an enemy of Islam. Masked guys on either side of him jumped up and down while waving curved swords in the air. While frightening, the impact would have probably been greater if the swords weren't clearly the plastic "Aladdin" ones sold in about every gift shop at Disneyland. Near the end of the tape as Kareem was passionately giving thanks to Allah, you could hear somebody fart, the morons standing beside Kareem dropped their weapons and started giggling, then Kareem approached the camera and cursed just before the screen went black. Very professional.
I carefully inspected the house for signs of booby traps or explosives and was relieved to see that everything appeared normal except that my camcorder was left out on the coffee table next to some bread crusts and was absolutely covered with grape jelly fingerprints. I heard something outside, then saw a shadow go by the window and knew I had to get the heck out of there before these crazed fanatics carried out their threats to harm me! I ran for the garage and jumped into my car, turned the key, put it in gear, and hit the garage door button. My heart was pounding.
As I backed out of the garage, I suddenly saw something that made my heart stop: several fresh mounds of dirt beside the driveway, and three shadowy figures peering out from behind a bush! Oh crap, they had planted IEDs (improvised explosive devices) just like they do in the Middle East, and were waiting for me to drive by so they could blow me to pieces! Bastards! Thankfully I figured it out before reaching the first one, and jumped from my car and ran to the neighbor's house while frantically dialing 911 on my cell phone. The cops were there in minutes and immediately arrested Kareem and his gang, but not before stun-gunning the crap out of the little hairy one when he brandished his plastic sword (that part was pretty funny).
I wish I could tell you the police and federal agents savagely beat the little Islamofascists with flashlights then shipped them off for life to Guantanamo, but that's not the way it worked out. Unfortunately, thanks to the heavy accent and severe hair-lip of the terrorist leader advising them, Kareem had purchased, wired, and buried IUDs next to the driveway. According to the authorities, burying birth control devices is not illegal in California so they just wrote Scooter a warning for being stupid and left. Now I'm more afraid than ever.
Thanks to the infidels at: Stop The ACLU Point Five