Funniest One-Liners

Sky News (U.K.) ^ | 8/14/06 | Staff

[Millee]

Peter Kay's "Garlic bread, it's the future - I've tasted it" has been voted the best comedy one-liner ever.

The line featured in his one-man show and was later aired in his cult comedy Phoenix Nights.

It's funny, but is it really the funniest line ever? Is there a one-liner you can think of that has had you in stitches? Have you ever had your work colleagues cracking up with a one-line beauty?

[bwteim]

I plead guilty at times of holding my arms out a little too wide;)

[Feiny]

Yo mama so fat, she deep fries her toothpaste.

[najida]

It's not the man in your life that counts, but the life in your man :)

[Maximus of Texas]

You again?

[r-q-tek86]

Some good ones here:

38 Free Taglines

[Sopater]

When I die, I hope I go quietly in my sleep like my Grandfather did. Not kicking and screaming like all of his passengers.

[Maximus of Texas]

Yo mama so fat that when I boinked her...

Wait, never mind.

[Lady Jag]

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

The enumerator goes on the top

I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.

My reality check just bounced.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

Annapolis--A drinking town with a sailing problem.

I need somebody bad. Are you bad?

Physically pffffffft!

Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

Keep staring....I may do a trick.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

Dangerously under-medicated.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.

Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.

In God we trust. All others we polygraph.

Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Two wrongs are only the beginning

[Oberon]

Nah...Light a fire for a man, and you keep him warm for a day; but light a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

[subterfuge]

"Handing someone a flyer is like saying 'here, YOU throw this away'."---Mitch Hepburg (RIP)

[fredhead]

My girlfriend is so fat, when she went swimming she left a ring around the lake.

[VOA]

bump

[Mike Bates]

Dangerously under-medicated.

LOL. That used to be my stage name.

[Publius6961]

I know that you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

When I was married, I used to hear that all the time!

[Millee]

That could be your new tagline! ;o)

[Lady Jag]

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch, the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it, and a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination. On the other hand, the ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

[GSWarrior]

Smorgasbord is my favorite word in the English language.

[teenyelliott]

My girlfriend is so fat, when she went swimming she left a ring around the lake.

Dang, man, I heard of guys being into fat chicks, but come on.

[Starter]

When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.