I've got a rubber in my wallet.
One of those little whatchamacallit's.
I'm savin' it for that special day.
When the right girl comes my way.
It leaves a circular impression
From all those years of compression.
I've had it since I turned thirteen.
I got it in a vend'n machine.
[Chorus]
Circ circ circular impression!
Leading to a state of depression!
In my walla walla walla walla wallet!
I can't wait to install it!
No! I can't wait!
It's in a little tinfoil packet.
Sometimes I'm tempted to unwrap it.
It's got a reinforced border.
I hope it's still in working order.
"Be Prepared" they said in Boy Scouts.
I'm waiting for a chance to try it out.
I want to try this contraceptive.
But all the girls are unreceptive.
[Chorus]
I've got a French safe in my pocket.
It'll be the nose-cone on my rocket.
It comes direct from Paris, France.
Can't wait to take it from my pants.
Huhuh!
[Chorus]
That's quite a little poem you've got there, DD. Catchy.
"An Ancient and Old Irish Condom"
To the tune of "Auld Rosin the Beau"
I was up to my arse in the muck sir,
With a peat contract down in the bog.
When my shovel it struck something hard sir,
I thought 'twas a rock or a log.
'Twas a box of the finest old oak sir,
A foot long and four inches wide.
And not giving a damn for the fairies,
I just took a quick look inside.
Now I opened the lid of this box sir,
And my story, I swear it is true.
'Twas an ancient and old Irish condom,
A relic of Brian Boru.
'Twas an ancient and old Irish condom,
A foot long and made of elk hide,
With a little gold tag on the end sir,
With his name, rank, and stud fee inscribed.
Now I cast my mind back through the ages,
to the days of this horny old Celt.
With his wife lying by on the bed sir,
As he stood by the fire in his pelt.
Now I thought I heard Brian whisper,
As he stood in the fire's rosy light.
"You've had your own way quite enough dear,
'TIS THE HAIRY SIDE OUTSIDE TONIGHT!"