Posted on 06/02/2006 6:44:41 AM PDT by publius1
Top One Hundred Facts
1 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
2 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
3 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
4 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
5 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
6 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
7 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
8 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
9 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
10 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
11 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
12 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
13 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
14 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
15 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
16 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
17 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
18 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer F**king hates lemonade.
19 American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
20 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's F**king beef.
21 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
22 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
23 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
24 Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
25 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
26 Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
27 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
28 Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
29 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
30 Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
31 If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
32 RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted. :(
33 Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's F**king Jack Bauer.
34 In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
35 Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
36 There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
37 Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
38 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
39 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
40 In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the F**k have you done with your life?
41 Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
42 Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
43 Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
44 Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
45 Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
46 The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
47 When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
48 Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
49 When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
50 Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better F**king do it.
51 Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
52 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
53 In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
54 You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
55 Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
56 Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're F**king dead."
57 When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
58 Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
59 In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
60 Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
61 Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
62 There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
63 Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
64 Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
65 If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
66 Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
67 Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
68 When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
69 Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
70 Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
71 Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
72 When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
73 There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
74 "Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm F**ked".
75 Jack Bauer made 3 million Americans simultaneously hold their breath. You know you were one of them.
76 Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
77 When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
78 The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
79 Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
80 Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
81 Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
82 Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never F**ks up.
83 Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
84 People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
85 When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
86 Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
87 Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
88 When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
89 Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
90 Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
91 Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
92 G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
93 It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
94 If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
95 What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
96 Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
97 Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
98 Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.
99 The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
100 Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
SD
I don't have an iPod.
I just wanted to watch Season 5.
I have a TV card, connected into my CATV and Cable Modem, though:
http://www.hauppauge.com/
Maybe I'd better wait until www.FoxStore.com releases it, so I don't get a problem on the home machine.
Thanks, SD.
No, you're PC will be fine if you install itunes.
I have itunes on mine and the only problem I have is that my son has used about 25% of my space to download hundreds of songs....he has since figured out how to be able to use my internet connection for his laptop.
Thanks for posting this, i laughed my azz off reading through everyone single line 1-100!!
I have to admit, i know nothing of "Jack Bauer", or "24",
is this worth buying the first season? I don't have cable, so i'm curious if this is worth buying, is it funny as your "100" list of jack bauer or is it a serious show?
All i gathered from your "top 100" is that Jack is a anti terrorist dude and he kicks ass.
I'm going to look online to learn more about this "24" and find out whom Jack Bauer is, i guess i'm lucky he hasn't kicked my butt yet for not knowing whom Jack Bauer is ;)
I am unable to find a "24" trailer for the first episode/season. anyone can help me out? Yea i know, its 1230am but i'm still awake and now i'm getting pissed cause i can't find a trailer for 24 but i find plenty of websites that just have it for sale. :)
"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." -Manuel II Paleologus
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