Posted on 03/29/2006 4:48:11 AM PST by gobucks
"I just want to be a wife and a mother". That is what she said about 10 years ago when we married. But she also wanted to work. One thing led to another, then to an MBA, and now she has a great job with high pay. And she is pregnant again, which of course we're thrilled about. Little Gb was born last summer, and this is welcome news, given how many years it took to bring this about.
But lately, she has made it plain: she wants to become a full time stay at home wife and mother. Her career now has zero allure. And so, upon my shoulders it is looking like the full weight of supporting the family will rest. This is a road that is quite alien for me I have to report. I was born in 1963, and the norm was watching the women of a household do housework, and work outside the home.
I have decided I want this too, though the transition doesn't appear to be one that will be painless. For example, we really like the house our two incomes pay for. But, nonetheless, given the "Back to Puritanism" road we took a few years ago (which we know directly led to solving the infertility question), this step is inevitable for us.
So, now, I'm looking for Freeper Advice, from wives and/or Husbands. What happened when she stopped working and stayed at home? How did that make things better or worse? How would have you changed the process to make it more smooth? And if you had to do it over, would she still quit her job, and stay at home?
My wife stayed at home and took care of the grandchildren who came to roost (dont get me wrong, we love the kids), and I continued to work. We never were fans of buying new cars, a vehicle is transportation and utitlitarian to us, not a status symbol, so there were no big loans to pay off. Just the mortgage, and I had bought the house when the housing price bubble burst around here when the oil boom died in 1986, for one third of what the previous owner had paid. I shouldered the (now increased load--by three children), and with God's help, continue to make enough to pay the bills and then some.
In that, the effects were minimal because we live a fairly modest life.
Your lifestyle may be affected by the shift in economics. Work out a budget and if necessary, find places to make cuts.
As long as you remember that God provides for your needs and do not confuse those with your 'wants' too much, it is not bad.
BTW, do not obscess on the idea of having to do it all as far as income goes.
If your wife stays home with the kids, she will have plenty on her plate, too.
Figure out a way to make sure each of you has a share of the surplus income, too, (separate account) so you can take care of little problems or buy the occasional treat for yourselves or each other (or the kids). That will save a lot of squabbling in the long run.
LOL, tough love bold and true! And I agree with you too; thanks for your encouragement (and I can't go hug her yet, she is sleeping in a bit, but I will...:))
Number one, do you have health insurance that can cover the birth and inevidiable trips to the doctors for the toddlers? If you do not and she does through work, I would suggest you stay home and raise the kids!
However, if you have a good income and health insurance, then I would say encourage her desire to stay at home.
"Work out a budget ....."
I'm starting to see a real pattern here; and thank you.
Be thankful that your wife *wants* to spend time with your children. My supervisor, in contrast, dumps her little boys at daycare even on her day off.
I am in a similar position with a wife earning a decent income now pregnant and wanting to stay at home.
She has spent a year unemployed in the past (as a result of a move we made for my job), so we have some basic idea of what it is going to be like.
I don't know what to tell you about the macro-economic questions (mortgage, consumption, etc.) and that you will have to solve yourself. But, in terms of what it means that you are the "sole breadwinner" we do have some experience.
My wife and I have agreed that after the child has made it past 6 months and we have adjusted our lives accordingly, it is absolutely necessary for her to be earning something. Even if it really just pocket money. Otherwise it puts me in an uncomfortable situation of "controlling" the money. If she is bringing in something, then she is able to feel free to spend money on herself without asking "permission". I am sure you wife can find some type of work for an hour or two a day that let's her keep a small measure of financial independence.
The next topic is, of course, the sharing of dmosetic chores. That needs to be done by agreement. I presume you already manage that to some extent as well. The work with a baby will increase it for her, so you may not get a dramatic reduction despite her additional time at home.
Ultimately, the most important thing is communication. If issues arise, you need to discuss them immediately. Don't get into patterns in which you or she are angered by something about which the other person is unaware.
Lastly, I ask you to remember back to your childhood and think about the most positive experience. I will make a bet that it has nothing to do with something someone bought for you, but rather time you spent with people you love. When it comes to your child, s/he will remember the time you spent, not the money.
My boys are 15 and 12 so I am a full time working mommy
Hubby has been with his company long enough as a network engineer that he actually has the freedom to set his own hours so he is home by the time they are done with school..plus works 2 days a week at home to take care of dental visits etc....
When they were small we struggled with this decision. Moms can't help it. When our children are very young it is painful to not take care of them and leave them to a daycare. So I stayed at home and had my own little business to be with them until elementary school. When this started I went back to work but like I posted above, to this day we make sure we are with them in the mornings and afternoons.
Thanks!!
"Number one, do you have health insurance that can cover the birth and inevidiable trips to the doctors for the toddlers? "
Well, this is a good one. The reality is that as a independent contractor, my Health ins. is about zip. Her job has unreal health benefits, and most paid for little gb last summer, plus his subsequent medical trips. So it has helped quite a bit.
Now the idea I would stay at home has crossed my mind; but the truth is, she is built for the job in a way beyond the descriptive ability of English. So, it is only a matter of the when and how at this point. I'm considering returning to corp. america....
You are welcome--and remember, your kids will love you both for it!
Ok, alien is a bad way to put it; inexperienced is what I should say....
And, rest assured, I bring home lots of bacon! I prefer Black Label actually, LOL!
Do what is necessary to be the best parents possible. Sacrifice, scrimp, etc, and mom is right for wanting to stay home. I hope you fully support it.
Dr. Seuss in a nice cozy living room is better than digital cable on the bigscreen in the "media room" for them, anyway!
If I could give you a word of advice it would be to take care of the finances and pay the household bills together. That way you can both be on the same page and work together to make sure that ends meet. After all, raising your own children is a most worthy cause.
Good luck to you both, and God bless.
Indeed- golf is a great teacher:)
The question of what do I value is so important to me- answering it is not always easy- but it will save lots of heartache later. If I KNOW that I value the mental and emotional health of my family- then all the subsequent irritants (and they will arise) and possible resentments can be seen as bumps- rather than mountains. If I place value on the countless ways my children AND wife AND I will benefit from having her at home- then the value of loss of income and less stuff will be insignificant.
In my observation and experience- there is no substitute for the well-being children experience when they have mom "around"...:)
And to Mrs GB- I take my hat off to you!
I agree, and thanks, and I'll report, truthfully, we don't have a big screen. We don't even have the full cable channel selection!
This is an ease one, dude.
Let your wife quit and stay home and raise the family and go find a career oriented woman that doesn't want to birth any babies and bring her in as income replacement.
Remember: a working wife/concubine is like a pumping oil well.....the money just keeps rolling in.
Sadly, many husbands today are selfish boys who love things more than their wives or children. I say this because I have witnessed their wives dragging themselves to work every day during difficult prenancies and forcing themselves to come back to work too soon after the birth of their babies, when their bodies and souls cry out for recuperation and bonding time with their child. Once when I was helping a pregnant young colleague clean up in the bathroom after a bout with morning sickness, I asked, "Why are you doing this?" Her eyes welled with tears as she answered, "My husband wants a bass boat." I won't tell you what I told her in return.
I would hope, that after 10 yrs of marriage, that you would know enough about your spouse, to not need advice from an anonymous forum. Don't you two talk?
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