Ten Things You Need to Know to be a Republican

Are you a good Democrat? Rate yourself with the following characteristics to see if you qualify:

1. You believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You believe that guns, in the hands of law abiding Americans, are more of a threat than US nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You believe that there was no art before federal funding.
5. You believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by yuppies driving SUV's.
6. You believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You are against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
9. You believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
10. You believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You believe the military, not corrupt politicians start wars.
12. You think President Bush lied to the nation but his predecessor did not.
14. You believe President Bush is too dumb to be President and Arnold Schwarzenegger is too dumb to be Governor of California, but the Dixie Chicks, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, and Jeanine Garofalo are qualified to discourse at length on foreign policy.
15. You believe all conservatives are racist, but do not think minorities can ever succeed without Affirmative Action.
16. You can't decide which is worse: the Patriot Act or the Patriot Missile.
17. You believe Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, and Yasser Arafat were fairly and democratically elected, but President Bush was not.
18. You root for prisoners when they escape from our oppressive prisons, but oppose allowing poor children to escape from failing public schools.
19. You support every kind of "diversity" on campus, except political orientation.
20. You support banning the smoking of tobacco and legalizing marijuana.
21. You are enraged by the so-called mistreatment of Muslim prisoners (who have gained weight while dining on their specially prepared Koran-approved meals) at Guantanamo Bay, but believe the world should have stood idly by while Saddam Hussein filled mass graves.
22. You have found where the right to an abortion is written in the Constitution but cannot find where the Constitution provides for a right to keep and bear arms.
23. You consider Bush to be “Hitler,” but not that foreign guy with the mustache who put people into wood chippers.
24. You support campus speech codes that ban pick-up lines and amorous gazes, but never spoke out against President Clinton's physical sexual harassment in the White House.
25. You applauded Jimmy Carter for talking about human rights in foreign policy but opposed George W. Bush for doing something about human rights.
26. You believe that trial lawyers taking 33 to 40 percent of a plaintiff's recovery in lawsuits is just about right, but the federal government taking this amount of our income in taxes is not nearly enough.
27. You believe the former Governor of a New England state with 608,827 people is more than adequately experienced to be President in 2004, but the Governor of a Southwestern state with 21,325,018 people was completely unprepared in 2000.
28. You agree with Toni Morrison that President Clinton was "the first black President," but didn't criticize Al Sharpton for recently labeling President Bush a "gang leader."
29. You believe we could get more truth out of the Pentagon if only Don Rumsfeld were replaced by Baghdad Bob.
30. You believe evangelical Christians are destroying America but don't feel threatened by the radical Wahabbi sect of Islam.
31. You believe that marriage is restrictive and obsolete for heterosexuals, but freeing and progressive for homosexuals.
32. You are horrified that half the people are below the median income.
33. When it comes to violent crime, you believe in hating the crime but loving the criminal.
34. You believe it is morally wrong to label anything "morally wrong".
35. You believe that home schooling denies children socialization, but proclaim they have no right to access the public schools' sports, band, or drama activities (socialization) because they're not public school students.
36. You believe minorities are intellectually incapable of using punch-card ballots except in counties where the Democrat candidate wins.
37. You support unlimited appeals for convicted criminals, but believe it is undemocratic for Californians to reverse their earlier mistake of electing Gray Davis.
38. You believe U.S. exports of genetically modified foods pose a greater threat to African nations than corrupt dictators like Zimbabwe's Mugabe.
39. You believe welfare is a fundamental human right and workfare is a human rights violation. 40. You believe religion is a scourge on our society, but becoming one with Mother Nature by merging with the universal consciousness and harmonizing with lunar reverberations will save us.
41. You believe President Bush is an environmental criminal for poisoning the water with arsenic, but have never complained about Saddam Hussein's devastating Iraq and Kuwait's environment by setting intentional oil well fires and committing genocide against the Marsh Arabs by draining their wetlands.
42. Your car sports the bumper sticker saying that "It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the military has to hold bake sales," but oppose allowing the U.S. military to set-up volunteer recruitment tables on college campuses because of their "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.