The 2005-06 Official Unattractive Final Four Award Show

The Coffeys ^ | 3.26.2006

[charming_harmonica]

-Snip-

So without further ado, here are the awards for the 2006 Final Four Award Show...

Best Afro Award goes to...

George Mason's Jordan Carter.

Throughout the tournament I never saw the 2nd year guard get into a game, but every game there he was being a catalyst as the cheerleader on the George Mason bench rooting his team on with that award-winning afro straight out of the '70s that blends perfectly into his forehead.

While we are on the topic of hair here are two more for you...

Worst Hairdo Award goes to...who else?

Florida's Joiakim Noah.

The 6-11 sophomore turned it up this year after averaging 3.5 ppg last season and plays scrappy on the boards and with a huge level of intensity and passion that seems to be lacking sometimes in basketball (ahem NBA!). I hope he stays all four years at Florida. If he does he can only keep improving and has time to get the NBA league minimum of 30 tattoos before declaring himself eligible for the 2008 NBA draft - where he will get drafted by the Atlanta Hawks.

Best Dreads Award goes to...

Florida's Chris Richard.

How can you have a basketball awards ceremony and not include an award for dreads? Richard has a solid set, obviously the best in the Final Four. It's a good thing that he gets an award here, because his 3.5 ppg in the past two years and his 6.2 this season at Florida won't.

Best Tie Award goes to...

LSU's Tyrus Thomas.

It's a good thing that Thomas woke up on the morning of team photo day and stuck on his bright purple polyester tie because the 6-9 forward is the only member of the Tigers to win an award this year. Unfortunately for the Baton Rouge product he had to take a medical redshirt this season due to a neck injury during the preseason. Keep up the solid fashion statement Thomas and in four years perharps you won't have an issue complying with the NBA dress code!

Biggest Looking Brut Award goes to...

George Mason's Sammy Hernandez.

Hernandez is a 6-5 freshman who weighs in at 230. He's probably a really nice guy who is afraid of mice, spiders and midgets but that mug shot gives the freshman his first collegiate pseudo-award.

Token Asian-American Award goes to...

Well, the only Asian-American in the Final Four this year...UCLA's Kelvin Kim.

A 5-11 freshman guard who I am not sure is even on the team anymore, but he could be. The UCLA Men's Basketball website has no information on him, but hey, what would a Final Four be without a token Asian-American? He's a product of El Toro High School in my beloved Orange County, California so I'm sure he can tear it up.

Best Name You Can't Pronounce Award goes to...

UCLA's Luc Richard (ok that's good enough) Mbah a Moute.

Mbah a Moute is a 6-7 freshman who hails from Cameroon along with teammate Alfred Aboya (at least Aboya is easier to pronounce). With basketball going global it's no wonder this year's Final Four sports an African whose name we can't pronounce. A number of years ago basketball fans couldn't pronounce Dikembe Mutombo (whose full name is Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo). Suddenly Mbah a Moute seems easier to pronounce. For the record his last name is pronounced umbah-a-moo-teh.

***************************************With that here is your 2005-2006 Official Unattractive Final Four Team led by Head Coach John Brady from LSU.

Taurean Green - G	Lee Humphrey - G
Lorenzo Mata - C
Joakim Noah - F/C	Corey Brewer - F

G Taurean Green Florida
Brewer's teammate led the Gators in minutes played and was the team's second leading scorer yet had the team's best shooting percentage at .884. That seems amazing to me for a guy who's head shot makes it look like he plays with his eyes half open or else his biggest sports fan is ESPN's Stuart Scott.

G Lee Humphrey Florida
I love Humphrey's range and ability to hit the outside "J" as evident by his 47% 3-point percentage but dude, come on...even I have had better head shots taken than that one.

C Lorenzo Mata UCLA
The big guy down low average 3.8 points in 19 games, including 8 starts. As expected from a big guy he was tied for second on the Bruins with 22 blocks.

F/C Joakim Noah Florida
This year's Worst Hairdo Award winner has to be in this lineup. Have you seen him when he's passionately fired up? And that mouth guard doesn't make it seem any prettier.

F Corey Brewer Florida
The 6-8 sophomore from Portland, no not that Portland, the one in Tennessee averaged 7.8 ppg while starting every game for the gators last season. This season Brewer averaged 12.8 ppg and 4.7 rpg. Not bad for a second year man, but what we want to know is what is up with those eyebrows?

***************************************

If Florida's Jimmie Sutton had beaten out UCLA's Mata for the center spot it would have been a Gator sweep this year. That has never happened in the history of these awards! Caveat: This is the first year these awards have been given by this writer.

Taking a look at this roster two things come to my mind:

1) The University of Florida definitely does not recruit based on looks
2) The Gators need to fire their team photographer

Perhaps that is a defensive tactic head coach Billy Donovan is trying out...get some unattractive, talented basketball players on the court and see if the opposing team runs away...

A side note: Since LSU, Villanova and UCLA busted my bracket in the Elite Eight this year I was rooting for George Mason to knock off Connecticutt. When I decided to write this piece I began hoping that UConn would come back and beat George Mason for one reason and one reason only...UConn's Josh Boone would have ran away with the 2005-2006 Official Unattractive Award this year. I sure hope Boone makes the NBA, there are tons of NBA ballers who qualify for the must discussed all NBA Official Unattractive Team.

With that, we will wrap up this year's Official Unattractive Final Four Award Show. I hope to see all of your next season as well. Take care and remember, don't take life so seriously. If you can't laugh at yourself you don't deserve to laugh at others.

[charming_harmonica]

And no, this is not my writing.

[Mr_Peter]

How about the most tatoo's per square inch?

[freedumb2003]

Mean.

Funny, but mean.

;)

[freedumb2003]

And on a tangent -- ugliest NBA team ever to play: 1981(c) Boston Celtics: Bird, McHale, Parish, Ainge, Johnson.

[Rummyfan]

Too bad Duke got knocked out, 'cause Sheldon Williams is hands-down the ugliest b-ball player in the world.

As for Noah, does anyone else find his features a bit effeminate?

[charming_harmonica]

oh yeah. He actually reminds me a bit of Troy Polamalu, though a slightly more womanized version with far grosser hair

[charming_harmonica]

That would be Pittsnogle (sp?)

I'm surprised the guy didn't mention Glenn Davis. The guy's like a fat version of Shaq