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Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!!
computer in Ireland | 17-3-06 | An Irishman

Posted on 03/16/2006 6:26:58 PM PST by Irish_Thatcherite

It's after midnight here in Ireland, so..

Happy St.Patrick Day!!!


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: begads; begorrah; engineersrock; eringobragh; eringoesbraless; guinness; harp; ireland; irish; kissmeimirish; paddy; paddysday; paddyshack; shamrock; stpaddy; stpat; stpatrick; stpatricksday
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To: Irish_Thatcherite

Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona Duit


21 posted on 03/16/2006 6:46:15 PM PST by tapatio
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To: Irish_Thatcherite

This is how I received it, more or less:

The ultimate Irish email:



Aye, tis a great day to be Irish - And, "May the devil know yer dead, half'n hour after ye reach Heaven". Patty O'Furniture



http://www.hallmark.com/ECardWeb/ECV.jsp?a=0706281774676M102931411Y



http://www.trinitywallstreet.org/multimedia/?video

Look for the Irish music video





Irish Smiles



Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.




Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.




The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.




An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.




Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the English can understand them.




Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"




Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."




Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."





Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A bachelor.




Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.




Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said.

"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."




"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"




Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?




My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs? *



I was in the "Plough and Stars" on Clement [http://pweb.jps.net/~jgilder/plough.html ] one evening whetting me whistle and I was about half way through me "Harps" when I looked over at Seamus the lad sitting next to me and asked in a philosophical way, "Which do you think, is the glass half empty or half full?" Seamus looks at me rather queer like and replies, "Ah ya twit doe'ya know this neither haf'emtee or ha'full; its haf'way to another glass."





Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

A visitor to a small Irish village commented to a local Garda that it was a quiet little place. The Garda replied, quiet to be sure, we haven't buried a living soul in years.

Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish

Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman ans says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100, 000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?" "Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

A boasting American said to O'Connor, back in the States we can erect a block of skyscrapers in about 2 weeks. O'Conner replied, we can start a row of houses in the morning and on the way home from work the bailiffs will be putting the tenants out for being behind with the rent.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat. So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby pub. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said Higgins to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Sean O'Connel came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Sean wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,
"Sean O'Connel, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded,
"Who the hell ARE you?".
Too that the Missus replied,
"I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which O'Connel remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:
"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

BLESSINGS

Grant me a sense of humor, Lord,
the saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folks.

May your home be filled with laughter
May your pockets be filled with gold
And may you have all the happiness
Your Irish heart can hold.

These things, I warmly wish for you-
Someone to love,
Some work to do,
A bit of o' sun
A bit o' cheer
And a guardian angel
Always near.

May you always have these blessings A soft breeze when summer comes- A warm fireside in winter- And always- the warm, soft smile of a friend.

May the roads rise to meet you. May the wind be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; The rain fall soft upon your fields And, until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
A GAELIC BLESSING

A BLESSING FOR YOU AND YOURS
May the grace of God's protection
And His great love abide
Within your home-within the hearts
Of all who dwell inside.


22 posted on 03/16/2006 6:46:20 PM PST by sionnsar (†trad-anglican.faithweb.com† | Libs: Celebrate MY diversity! | Iran Azadi 2006)
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To: kstewskis

Any parades in Az?


23 posted on 03/16/2006 6:46:41 PM PST by Irish_Thatcherite (~~~A vote for Bertie Ahern is a vote for Gerry Adams!~~~)
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To: Aussie Dasher
The prospect of St. Patrick's Day marches coupled with the Commonwealth Games is a recipe for major mayhem.

Oh... HEHEHE!!

24 posted on 03/16/2006 6:48:01 PM PST by Irish_Thatcherite (~~~A vote for Bertie Ahern is a vote for Gerry Adams!~~~)
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To: Irish_Thatcherite
Luck of the Irish!!!
25 posted on 03/16/2006 6:49:10 PM PST by tioga (Speaking out from the god-foresaken frozen tundra of the land of the hildebeast.)
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To: sionnsar


OMG I love those.
Bookmarking the thread, just for your jokes alone!
Everything else is a BONUS!


26 posted on 03/16/2006 6:49:18 PM PST by onyx (IF ONLY 10% of Muslims are radical, that's still 120 MILLION who want to kill us.)
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To: Cecily

The Quiet Man was filmed in a village called Cong in Co. Mayo, I live about 30 mins from the village.


27 posted on 03/16/2006 6:50:01 PM PST by Irish_Thatcherite (~~~A vote for Bertie Ahern is a vote for Gerry Adams!~~~)
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To: Irish_Thatcherite
I'm Ready!!!!!!



28 posted on 03/16/2006 6:52:19 PM PST by MikefromOhio (aka MikeinIraq)
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To: onyx
Way to go, girlfriend! Have one for me!

I did! :0)

And let me tell ya somethin darlin', the bloke I was with had the smiling Irish Eyes to die 'fer!

29 posted on 03/16/2006 6:53:09 PM PST by kstewskis (Disclaimer: Not reponsible for driveling random postings during the Lenten Season...)
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To: Irish_Thatcherite; onyx; JPJones; JennysCool; Aussie Dasher; Cornpone
Heh.

We've still got a few more hours before people wearing goofy hats start spilling onto 5th Avenue and puking up green beer and stale corned beef.

:P

That being said:


30 posted on 03/16/2006 6:53:20 PM PST by Do not dub me shapka broham ("The moment that someone wants to forbid caricatures, that is the moment we publish them.")
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To: sionnsar
LOL!!

May the roads rise to meet you.

That happened to me last October....

31 posted on 03/16/2006 6:54:48 PM PST by Irish_Thatcherite (~~~A vote for Bertie Ahern is a vote for Gerry Adams!~~~)
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To: kstewskis


Oooooooooooh, all the better! Take advantage of him!


32 posted on 03/16/2006 6:54:54 PM PST by onyx (IF ONLY 10% of Muslims are radical, that's still 120 MILLION who want to kill us.)
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To: Irish_Thatcherite
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Jaysun

33 posted on 03/16/2006 6:55:07 PM PST by Jaysun (The plain truth is that I am not a fair man, and don't want to hear both sides.)
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To: tioga

True!!


34 posted on 03/16/2006 6:55:24 PM PST by Irish_Thatcherite (~~~A vote for Bertie Ahern is a vote for Gerry Adams!~~~)
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To: Irish_Thatcherite; Monkey Face; NicknamedBob
You know, Saint Patrick's Day is a time of reflection. We should stop and think about where Saint Patrick's Day came from.

As everyone knows, Patrick's good friend, the Easter Bunny, gave the Saint's mother a basket of flowers on the first day of May, many, many years ago. General George Washington, feeling slighted by the gift (he was Saint Patrick's closest confidant, after all), exploded many rockets and bombs in protest on a hot day in July, nearly killing a groundhog and a few trees. Patrick and the Easter Bunny heard the explosion and decided to suss out the source. The smoke could be seen in the distance, and it took much walking. After a half an hour, the pair became fatigued. "Let us take some time off from our laboring," said the Easter Bunny. "Why should anybody else have to work?" he added. The problem was that they had ventured in the wrong direction to begin with--unbeknownst to Saint Patrick and the Easter Bunny. They were lost. Ignorant of that fact, the pair enjoyed a good sitting.

They enjoyed their rest so much that neither noticed the sun quickly setting behind them. Patrick, clever as he was, started a fire and began searching for dinner. He returned with a handful of red berries, two flasks of water, and a wild pumpkin. They gobbled the berries up right away, but didn't know what to do with the pumpkin. "You know, if you hollowed it out," said the Easter Bunny,"that would make an awesome lamp!"......
35 posted on 03/16/2006 6:55:54 PM PST by Das Outsider (My pastor could beat your pastor to a pulpit.)
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To: MikefromOhio

He looks like he's boiling the spuds!!!


36 posted on 03/16/2006 6:56:42 PM PST by Irish_Thatcherite (~~~A vote for Bertie Ahern is a vote for Gerry Adams!~~~)
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To: Jaysun
Happy St.Patrick Day!!!

37 posted on 03/16/2006 6:57:27 PM PST by Irish_Thatcherite (~~~A vote for Bertie Ahern is a vote for Gerry Adams!~~~)
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To: Irish_Thatcherite

I'm gettin' *jiggy* with it. Can I get with my Guinness starting at midnight?


38 posted on 03/16/2006 6:58:24 PM PST by Miss Behave (Beloved daughter of Miss Creant, super sister of danged Miss Ology, and proud mother of Miss Hap.)
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To: Irish_Thatcherite

LOL

he looks like he's had too much Corned Beef :)


39 posted on 03/16/2006 6:58:47 PM PST by MikefromOhio (aka MikeinIraq)
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To: Irish_Thatcherite

GREEN!!!!!!!


40 posted on 03/16/2006 7:00:15 PM PST by groanup (Shred for Ian)
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