Or maybe it's "Blind Squirre!"
Cowboy Chili
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott,
AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy
with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of
chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at
it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If
you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says,
"Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the
bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with
delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices
a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and
he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I
got, too."
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the he!! does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up.
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to open it.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
Getting gas next to 12 people, just as the elevator doors close, while going to the 39th floor.
Locking your keys in your car, looking through the window and realizing the spare is in the wallet right next to it.
When someone brakes at a yellow light right in front of you just as your speeding up.
You get 20 calls from telemarketers and on the 21st call you just let them have a piece of your mind and its your mother.
Being in a traffic jam when the opposite direction is going 75 miles an hour.
Your wife wants to discuss your relationship during the Superbowl, in the last minute of the 4th quarter, when the game is tied.
When your boss catches you reading these stupid jokes. Now get back to work!
The first of the baby-boomers are starting to turn
sixty-years old. In honor of that occasion, a number
of popular songs of our era are in the process of being
revised to reflect conditions of the present day.
They include:
1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a
Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the
Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye - Heard it through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
13. Abba -- Denture Queen
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling
If You Hear Me Fall
15. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore
16. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again
17. Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry
if I Want to
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
I told you so.... man am I bored out of my mind today....
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, "'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him his speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "Collect four of them you get a bicycle!"
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
feeling.
I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"