Posted on 12/19/2005 12:04:06 PM PST by nuke rocketeer
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain.
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton.
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh,
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin.
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know." P.J O'Rourke (1989).
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either" Jay Leno.
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." David Letterman
Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. Ted Nugent.
“The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.” Tom Brokaw.
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller.
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." Alan Kent
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton
"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'" Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller
Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.
"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." Rep. R. Blount (MO)
"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
MARK TWAIN knew the French very well.
A French married lady cannot enter even a menagerie without bringing the purity of that menagerie under suspicion.
- Mark Twain's Notebooks and Journals, Notebook #19, July 1880-January 1882
The objects of which Paris folks are fond--literature, art, medicine and adultery.
- - speech at the Stanley Club in Paris, ca. April 1879
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals--apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
- Mark Twain's Notebook
I like to look at a Russian or a German or an Italian--I even like to look at a Frenchman if I ever have the luck to catch him engaged in anything that ain't delicate.
- Extract from Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven
France has usually been governed by prostitutes.
- Notebook #18, Feb.- Sept. 1879
A Frenchman's home is where another man's wife is.
- Notebook #18, Feb.- Sept. 1879
It has always been a marvel to me--that French language; it has always been a puzzle to me. How beautiful that language is! How expressive it seems to be! How full of grace it is! And when it comes from lips like those [of Sarah Bernhardt], how eloquent and how limpid it is! And, oh, I am always deceived--I always think I am going to understand it.
- Mark Twain, a Biography
M. de Lamester's new French dictionary just issued in Paris defines virtue as: "A woman who has only one lover and don't steal."
- quoted in A Bibliography of Mark Twain, Merle Johnson
In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
- The Innocents Abroad
There is nothing lower than the human race except the French.
- quoted by Carl Dolmetsch, Our Famous Guest
It is human to like to be praised; one can even notice it in the French.
- "What Paul Bourget Thinks of Us"
In certain public indecencies the difference between a dog & a Frenchman is not perceptible.
- Notebook #17, October 1878 - February 1879
It appears that at last census that every man in France over 16 years of age & under 116, has at least 1 wife to whom he has never been married. French novels, talk, drama & newspaper bring daily & overwhelming proofs that the most of the married ladies have paramours. This makes a good deal of what we call crime, and the French call sociability.
- Notebook #18, Feb.- Sept. 1879
French are the connecting link between man & the monkey.
- Notebook #18, Feb.- Sept. 1879
Trivial Americans go to Paris when they die.
- Notebook #18, Feb.- Sept. 1879
It is the language for lying compliment, for illicit love & for the conveying of exquisitely nice shades of meaning in bright graceful & trivial conversations--the conveying, especially of double-meanings, a decent & indecent one so blended as--nudity thinly veiled, but gauzily & lovelily.
- Notebook #18, Feb.- Sept. 1879
...anywhere is better than Paris. Paris the cold, Paris the drizzly, Paris the rainy, Paris the damnable. More than a hundred years ago somebody asked Quin, "Did you ever see such a winter in all your life before?" "Yes," said he, "Last summer." I judge he spent his summer in Paris. Let us change the proverb; Let us say all bad Americans go to Paris when they die. No, let us not say it for this adds a new horror to Immortality.
- letter to Lucius Fairchild, 28 April 1880, reprinted in Mark Twain, The Letter Writer
An isolated & helpless young girl is perfectly safe from insult by a Frenchman, if he is dead.
- Notebook #20, Jan. 1882 - Feb. 1883
A dead Frenchman has many good qualities, many things to recommend him; many attractions--even innocencies. Why cannot we have more of these?
- Notebook #20, Jan. 1882 - Feb. 1883
Warning: Very strong language.
Some of my mother's ancestors lived in France. Then they moved up.
An invitation to tell jokes and/or post pictures of women with armpit hair standing with men that wear purses.
She looks so sad and lonely.
Yeah. That's because I'm not there. ; )
EAT THE FRENCH
Parody of "Be Our Guest" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast
Lyrics by M. Spaff Sumsion
http://www.spaff.com/poesy/eatthefrench.html
My dear readers, Because this is certain to cause concern among the satirically impaired, let me make this clear: I do not actually advocate the consumption of all of the people of France. I only suggest - the French ones.
Eat - the - French!
Eat the French!
Your bon appetites they'll quench!
Though they smell a bit like snail, inhale
That gay Parisian stench
Try them whole - or pureed
I'll take Nice-Brest, creme bruleed!
Sheer delight, one bite determines
Don't believe me? Ask the Germans!
They ooze spice - and romance
After all, chere, this is France!
Join the game, ma dame; get off the stupide bench
Come on and take your fill a
All this Francophilia
Eat the French
Oui, the French
Eat the French!
Feet ragout; Nancy hands
Fresh or frozen or from Cannes
Bake true artwork from the pieces
Like Matisses and Cezannes
Getting full? C'est dommage!
Try this dish, avec fromage!
Yes, I know it's rather phallic
But at least it's small; it's Gallic!
Zee heart wants - what it wants
But my gut prefers Provence
Though those folks get old and tough as Judi Dench
As for the fashion scene
We'll make it haute cuisine
And eat the French!
S'il vous plait
It's fine dining - on Francais!
Eat the French! Eat the French! Eat the French!
Dinners we're devizhing
From this place so disoblizhing
Far from hope and dear Europa, they've withdrawn
Ah, those good old days when France was useful
Suddenly those good old days are gone
Many years they've snubbed us
In a wrongish way, they've rubbed us
And they've simply kept us waiting for Toulon
Menus, therefore, now define the Frenchies:
Bumptious and presumptuous
But sauteed they're rather scrumptious!
Eat a Frog! Eat a Toad!
A la carte or a la mode
We'll share bites of Paris-ites
And gobble Frog legs by the load!
Put away - St Tropez
As one chomps the Elysees
I'll need Chardonnay colonics
'Cause I'm hooked on Francophonics!
Cooking coq - and foie gras
Is a Champagne in the as
But they're pleasin' with some Bries 'n' Ro-que-forts
Try Dijonnaise with booze
You've no more days, Toulouse
The premiere course?
BUTT OF CORSE!
But it's coarse!
BUT OF COURSE!
Eat the French! Eat the French!
Down a Marseillesian wench!
Tastes like pork so grab your knife and salad fork
And croissant wrench
Tour de France? Tour Eiffel?
Oui, we'll sample those as well
They're tres magnifique, no question
Never mind the indigestion!
Feast - all - day!
Even nights!
If they shout "Zees rheally bites!"
We'll go slow, though, with Bordeaux, we'll still get drenched
We'll toast their Bastille freedom
No, screw that! Just eat 'em!
Eat the French!
Eat the French!
Eat the French!
LET'S EAT - THE - FRENCH!
(Urp!)
(Excusez-moi.)
Looking for some good french jokes or pics.
My favorite french movie is Les Visiteurs (Remade in 2001 as Just Visiting). That's it.
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