JOYFUL FAMILY REUNION TURNS OUT TO BRING NOTHING BUT PAIN (Dear Abby)

www.uexpress.com ^ | November, 23, 2005 | Abigail Van Buren

[Sonny M]

DEAR ABBY: When I was 4, my two older siblings and I were taken from our mother and her live-in boyfriend by Social Services. All three of us had been victims of molestation. We had also been exposed to illicit drugs. If that wasn't enough, I later learned that our grandfather was also our father. I spent half my childhood in three different foster homes until, finally, at the age of 8, I was adopted by a caring family.

Eleven years went by, and I never heard from any of them. Then one day, my father received a call from one of my sisters. The two of them had been looking for me. He told them where I could be found. At first, I was overjoyed to hear from them. Of course, I made contact with my birth mother after that.

We have now been communicating for 10 years, and it has been nothing but pure hell. Every time we speak, I'm reminded of the horrible events that occurred when we were younger. So much so, that it has affected my sex life with my husband.

I don't want to subject my family to this anymore. How can I tell them I want to cease all contact with them without causing a huge uproar? Please help me. -- MISERABLE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MISERABLE: I'm surprised you waited this long to ask that question. Your reasons for waiting to be left alone seem reasonable to me. Inform your siblings and your unfit birth mother that contact with them is so painful for you that it has affected your marriage, and you must stop it. Do not apologize for your feelings or allow yourself to be made to feel guilty. Explain this to your adoptive parents as well so they can't be used as pawns. And if necessary, block unwanted calls, e-mails, etc.

story continues below Because it appears you did not get counseling as a result of the sexual abuse you suffered as a child, and it has adversely affected your relationship with your husband, I urge you to do it now. Your physician can refer you to a trained psychotherapist who can help you deal with your past. For the sake of your marriage, please don't wait any longer to do this.

DEAR ABBY: While sitting with my husband in the hospital following his surgery, a nurse entered his room. We all chatted while she took his pulse, etc., when -- without warning -- she removed his covers to check the surgery site and totally exposed his genitals.

I was shocked and embarrassed, and have trouble ridding myself of the image of my naked husband lying there in front of another woman. I wish the nurse had given me the chance to leave the room.

Is there something wrong with me for having so much trouble with this? What can I do to avoid this in the future? -- RED-FACED IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR RED-FACED: On a scale of 10, I'd say you are probably an 8 on the "uptight" scale. You seem to have forgotten that the woman in the room with you was not a lap dancer, but a health-care professional performing her duties. Your husband was her patient, and in her eyes, was probably as sexless as a CPR dummy. To avoid embarrassment in the future, leave the room when the nurse enters.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I invited our family to Thanksgiving dinner and everyone wanted to bring their dogs. That would have meant I'd have 15 people and six dogs in my home.

My husband and I told our families that it is not OK to bring their family pets. Now they're upset with us. Did we really do the right thing? -- CONFUSED IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR CONFUSED: Let me put it this way: You didn't do a doggone thing wrong.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

[Sonny M]

For your comments and enjoyment.

[Sonny M]

ping.

[sassbox]

I later learned that our grandfather was also our father.

yikes!