Posted on 11/20/2005 9:48:45 AM PST by BenLurkin
Suicide haunts Linda Marquez . Three of her loved ones took their own lives - her mother, her husband, her son.
No death could be more devastating to the people left behind, Linda said.
The people who kill themselves may think the world is better off without them, "but they don't realize that what they're doing is leaving people with a life sentence, especially the people that love them the most," she said.
Her son's death finally drove her to speak out.
"I thought, this is too much. People need to know," she said.
Experts estimate 1 million people attempt suicide every year, and 30,000 die by it. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among teens and young adults, and the second leading cause of death among college students.
"They really go through a lot of stuff. The pressures are huge," Linda said. "Life is hard. … So many things happen in life. It is about learning how to deal with things and how to cope."
Four years after her son died by suicide, Linda finally has begun to think of other things.
Today, she will turn her growing strength toward helping others.
Linda and other grieving families and friends will walk five kilometers, starting in Santa Monica, to raise support for suicide awareness and prevention.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's "Out of the Darkness" walks bring hope to anyone thinking of ending his or her life and to loved ones suffering the aftershock of a suicide.
"It takes an enormous toll" on loved ones, foundation director Bob Gebbia said.
Linda first experienced that toll at age 15. Her mother, Betty Kelly , struggled with bipolar disorder and hanged herself when Linda was in high school. School helped the young girl cope, but her mother's suicide hit her father pretty hard, she said.
Linda tried to move on. She grew up, married and had three kids.
But her husband, Tony Webb , had a drinking problem. One night, after they argued, he shot himself in the head.
Linda struggled quietly, immersing herself in the care of three children younger than 3. Eventually she remarried and had three more children. She kept the pain to herself.
"I never told people how they really died. I just said my mom died of cancer. I didn't want them to know she hung herself," Linda said. "Then when my husband did it… I just said he was in a car wreck."
When her son died, the front of stoicism and silence went with him.
"The first year … I had a problem just being able to breathe," she said.
Linda was vacationing in Florida with her husband and young daughters when she heard that her son, Raymond Webb , hanged himself.
"I just could not believe it," Linda said. "I just remember thinking this can't be happening again."
Raymond was 25 and had two children. His addiction to methamphetamine, or "speed," had landed him in jail, but he got clean for a year.
The suicide note said he had started using again. The backsliding, and possibly the drug itself, sent him deep into depression. "Speed" is known to turn the mind to dark and desperate thoughts.
"He said, 'I can't stop doing this evil drug,' " she said. "He went out in the back yard and hung himself in the middle of the night."
With her mother out of town, Raymond's sister had to call the others and make arrangements for his body.
Linda rushed back from the East Coast, fighting her own grief while trying to help her young daughters understand what had happened.
"It was just terrible. I can't even tell you," she said.
The 12-year-old wrote in a diary on the plane ride home, "Suicide is the worst thing in the world."
Linda still struggles to grasp why her oldest son would take his life. He had lived through car wrecks and major surgeries. He had fishing plans, and things he wanted to do.
"He was always the happy one," she said. "He was such a survivor. He was just tough and loved everything and loved life - I never in a million years thought that he was gonna end it like that."
But he was also sensitive, she said. Failure and conflict seemed to hit him harder than the other children.
"He felt like he was in a corner," she said, "but looking at it from my point of view there are so many other things that we could have done, but he didn't come to us."
Linda had spoken with quiet frankness, and sometimes even a smile. Now tears filled her eyes.
"The first thing I thought of when I found out was, y'know, I wasn't done trying to help him. There's so many other things we could have tried, but he gave up."
Losing a child this way surpasses any other pain - even other suicides, she said.
Linda would know.
The deaths of her mother and husband probably contributed to Raymond's choice, she said.
"It just puts the idea in your head and it makes you think that's a way out," she said. "I think he did it because he knew that they did it."
Raymond's way out shattered his mother's world. "You don't realize how close we are to insanity. I was a normal person and - I just snapped," she said. "I didn't think I was ever gonna get over that. Two years I cried. Quit working and just cried for two years."
By Christmas time the year of Raymond's death, she had totally withdrawn. If not for her youngest daughter, she might have missed the holidays entirely.
"I was so upset, every single minute of the day. I just didn't want to see happy people at all," Linda said. "If he knew what he did to me by killing himself, I can guarantee he would have never done it."
Yet Linda soon faced the same temptation.
"I knew my son 25 years. That's longer than I knew my mom or my husband. I felt like (we) grew up together," she said. "After my son died I didn't want to be here either. I was there for two years.
"You feel like you're all alone, like no one understands," she said. "It just never went away, you just couldn't get away from it."
She said depression turns in upon itself, making light and hope feel like distant memories.
"This just wouldn't go away and the grieving wears you down - I can't compare it to anything else in my life," she said.
She was mother, nurturer, a problem solver, but she couldn't fix this. She pulled further away from life and human contact.
"When I was really bad I didn't tell anyone, because I thought, 'They're gonna put me away,' " she said. "and I really felt in the back of my mind that I was gonna kill myself anyway."
Most of her friends faded away, exhausted by her grief.
"I really felt like everybody let me down, except for my husband and my kids, but I think that's because they don't know what to say after a while," she said. "Two years is a long time to listen to someone cry about the same thing, so you lose most of your support."
Yet, somehow her own pain also kept Linda from giving in.
"The only reason I didn't (attempt suicide) is because I knew what it did to the people that are left behind," she said.
Many people who commit suicide don't understand the pain they cause, she said.
"They think they're doing everyone a favor, but they don't understand that, (when) you end your life, you end all the chances of it ever getting better. And the problems in your family only begin. Whatever pain you were in -their pain is gonna be magnified for a lifetime."
Linda had a husband and other children to think about.
"I kept thinking, 'God, if I do then the kids are gonna do it,' " she said. "I'm like the main one. I'm the mom. All the kids, they look to me for everything … I knew that I had to be the example. I knew that I had to keep going and to keep living and to get to the other side."
After wandering aimlessly for two years, Linda started to recover.
"You fight it and fight it and fight it, and I think your brain gets used to the idea," she said. "You can't win. So that's when you just say, OK, I have to pull myself together. … Every single day, I thought 'one more day' and I did it and it started getting easier after a couple of years."
Her family lived for two years without a mother, she said. The strain began to show.
"I knew that it was a turning point for me," she said. "I knew that I had to either jump off the bridge or really get going."
She chose to move forward, but that didn't make it easier.
"It's slow. You just have to say, I'm gonna get through today. People don't realize it takes a long time," she said. "I just forced myself to go back to work, force myself to go to the gym."
Still, Linda struggles. She smiles and laughs, but the sadness hovers behind her eyes.
"I still literally have to make myself do the things that I do every day," she said. "I just had to say, no, I'm not gonna cry right now … I still (have to say) that, because what are you gonna do? I can't cry forever, because I have other kids - and plus, every life is worth living, is worth saving. There's always hope. There is always hope."
Her message to young people like Raymond, who face such powerful stressors in their lives:
"If you get in trouble mentally where you start to feel like your depressed every day, you need to go get help. Go to the doctor and don't use (suicide) as a way out."
Through the walk, and plans for a local support group, Linda also wants to comfort and uplift those left behind by the suicide of a loved one.
"I know that there are people in the Antelope Valley that have kids or family members that have died by suicide," she said.
Few resources exist for them in the Valley. She hopes "Out of the Darkness" will help fill that void.
"I really wanted to talk to other people" who had faced it, she said. "I don't know anyone that this has happened to."
Seeing how others have coped and grown stronger will be an important part of today's walk in Santa Monica.
"It makes you feel not so alone ... it helps," she said. "Maybe I can help some other moms or dads or brothers, (but) it's gonna be hard. I'll probably cry again."
Anyone interested in joining Marquez for today's "Out of the Darkness Walk," or in starting a local support group, can contact her at (661) 547-1875. The five-kilometer walk will start at 7:45 a.m. at the Third Street Promenade, in Santa Monica.
Linda also recommended the Web site www.parentsofsuicide.com as a starting point for anyone searching for hope, and connection to others who share their pain.
Mental health services may be found at Antelope Valley Hospital, and suicide risk can be assessed through the emergency room. If a threat of suicide is imminent, call 9-1-1.
For all those struggling with depression and suicide, Linda offers the lyrics of "Hold On" by the band Good Charlotte.
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on
"The biggest message here," she said, is "don't give up. Hold on. There is help out there."
Good grief, that poor woman. I've lost a number of close family and friends since my early teens, but all of illness or accidents. I couldn't imagine three by suicide.
I grew up with a boy who's older sister committed suicide her sophomore year in high school by starting her car in the garage.
6 years later, my friend hung himself in his basement.
I often wonder how parents can handle losing a child in this way, but 2? How devistating!
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. That would be awful, losing both children, especially to suicide. It seems like when it happens once, the likelyhood of other members of the family doing it goes way up.
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