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IFFY THE DOPESTER: Lions can't sink any lower, right? Well ...
November 12, 2005
Last week in this space, Iffy boldly predicted a Lions victory at Minnesota. He used inside-out, triple-reverse psychology and concluded that the sinking-fast Lions would surprise the scandal-racked Vikings.
Wrong.
Final score: Love Boat 27, Titanic 14.
In a way, though, Iffy got it right because he premised his prognostication on the belief that the Lions almost always do the opposite of what you expect them to do, and they did. Iffy predicted a victory, so they lost. He rests his case.
No, that's a cop-out and Iffy knows it, but, hey, it could've been worse. He could've gone on Channel 4 on Tuesday night, like pollster Steve Mitchell did, and declare that Freman Hendrix would win the mayoral race by 10 points.
(Kudos, by the way, to Iffy's old pal, vote analyst Tim Kiska, who over on Channel 2 projected Kwame Kilpatrick a 52-48 winner, falling only a point shy of the final numbers, which didn't come in until hours later. Way to go, Tim. Now whom do you like in the Lions-Cardinals game Sunday?)
Another part of Iffy's failed thinking about the Lions is the mistaken belief that they've bottomed out and can't go any lower, so you pick them to win. But when it comes to the Lions, there is no bottom.
F'rinstance, you might've thought they'd gone as low as they could go when, back in 2001, they lost the first 12 games of the Matt Millen Era and finished 2-14.
But how did you feel, faithful readers, when they opened the 2002 campaign with three more losses, including a 31-7 thrashing at the hands of the Carolina Panthers, the only team that had a worse record than the Lions the year before?
That was the same year in which the hometowners visited Chicago on a blustery day in November and played the Bears to a 17-17 standoff through four quarters. Detroit won the coin toss at the start of OT, but coach Marty Mornhinweg opted to take the wind rather than the ball, and the Bears -- on their opening drive -- plodded in just close enough to kick a winning field goal.
Surely, you said to yourself at the time, this is as low as it gets, right? Guess again.
In 2003, in Steve Mariucci's first game as coach in Detroit, the Lions opened with a victory and -- in a postgame locker-room love-in -- awarded a game ball to William Clay Ford, proud owner.
The Lions lost their next six and finished 5-11.
It would be different in 2004, fans swore, because, after all, our lads couldn't sink any lower, could they? And, darn, if things weren't looking up after a 4-2 start.
But then the Lions lost seven of eight, culminating in a 41-9 drubbing by the Indianapolis Colts before a national television audience on Thanksgiving Day. Our turkeys finished 6-10.
Finally, this year, with a wealth of talent among the receiving corps and a fourth-year QB primed for a breakout season -- and with a wily backup in the wings, just in case -- surely this would be their year, at long last.
Well, my hearties, no more predictions. This time, all Iffy will say is if the Lions lose Sunday at Ford Field to the Arizona Cardinals, arguably the only team in the league with a more ignominious ancestral line than Mr. Ford's offspring, then papa Matt Millen will have, once and for all, lowered the bar clear out of sight to where the sun don't shine.
But surely our Lions will never sink that low, will they?
Green is once again not starting the only QB that's won any games for the Cardinals under his coaching. Lions win.