Dating After Divorce: Venturing into The Dark Abyss

www.elitestv.com ^ | Dr. Hu Fleming

[teldon30]

Guys, we all know that feeling. That queasy one in the pit of our stomachs, a date with a new lady. No big deal when we were 18, or 21, or maybe even single at 30. But we’ve been married for a while, forgotten how to date and forgotten more about that other species known as females than we now know. Also, truth be told, if we’re completely candid with ourselves, we’ve been spoiled and pampered, accustom to having someone take care of us, make sure that our socks matched, that we didn’t embarrass ourselves at that party. Sex was a given, no need to shower, shave, appear desirable, or even interested. And definitely no need to think about her feelings, wants, desires, or idiosyncrasies on a second by second basis.

Fast forward to the present. You’re separated or divorced. You want to date, want to meet that lady of your dreams, or maybe lots of ladies of your dreams. But marriage or at least divorce has left a bad taste. You’re feeling uncertain about females, uncertain about yourself. You’re not even sure if you’re desirable anymore, or what the present day modern female of the species is looking forward or considers desirable. And, to top it all off, if you’re really candid with yourself, you have no idea how to go about this thing called dating. Heck, you may not be sure you even want to try.

Do women have the same issues? Yes, to a degree. However, women are far better prepared for the single life after marriage than men. Women live and breathe relationships. They’ve thought about them their entire lives. They’ve prioritized their relationships, and their feelings all along, as many of them clearly like to tell us, and so, understand themselves and their situation. Also, women possess a much more evolved emotional support system with lots of girlfriends. They have shoulders to cry on, emote to, get advice from, and generally are well positioned to move forward to this next phase of their life.

What do we men have? Squat- Less than squat. We don’t tend to think about the big “R” word, relationships. We probably didn’t think much about ours. We’re essentially anti-social, with few, if any male friends. Sure, we can talk about the football game or the stock market. But talk about our feelings of insecurity, what we don’t know about women or dating? Hardly! So, we’re generally ill – equipped to approach that most sophisticated and evolved of all animals, the single American female.

So, what’s the secret to getting back to a normal, healthy social life? Sorry, there are no secrets. We’re all different and what works for Bob will be different than for Ted. However, there are seven basic rules that apply to all of us,

The Seven Secrets of Life for the Divorced Guy: (OK, we could do 10, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it!)

1. Take time to know yourself

You’re single again, and just aching to get back out there and mix it up. Hold on there, Trigger. Yes, it’s easy to date and easier to find a female or females to spend time with you. But, do yourself and your partners a favor. Take some time off. Ideally, take a year or so after your marriage to get to know yourself again, your likes, thoughts, and feelings. After all, you’ve not been You for a long time; you’ve been We, perhaps for as long as you can even remember.

It’s critical that you get back that sense of you as a valuable, individualized person. You need to know you before you’re any good for anyone else. Trust me, taking a little extra time initially will pay off later. You’ll be happier with your dating. It will be more meaningful, and you’ll be making fewer mistakes. Take it from someone that made lots.

2. Define and clearly articulate your goals

Ok, don’t laugh here, but true story. When I came out of divorce, I sat down and wrote down the attributes of the female I wanted to meet, date, and be with, in detail, right down to hair color and body shape. Stupid? Yes, but it did provide a focus, and something to plan for. Of course, as I began dating, I found that I really didn’t know myself that well, as most of what I thought I wanted, I found to be wrong/incompatible/silly/impossible, you take your pick.

However, it is very important to define, in a general way, what you’re looking for in dating. Do you want to play? Have fun? Meet someone serious? Have a buddy only? Someone primarily for sex? Whatever you want, you need to be honest with yourself. You need to be able to look at that scraggly face in the mirror in the morning, mussed hair and all, and feel comfortable that you know what you want, and are in the process of finding it. Otherwise, you’re going to find that dating is stressful, unfulfilling, and generally a pain in the behind. And, you certainly won’t get high marks from the female crowd, which hurts all of the rest of us poor unsuspecting males out there, trying to bravely make our way.

So, do us all a favor here in the male kingdom. Know what you want, go get it, and leave the rest alone.

3. Be candid and direct

Guys, we all like low stress. We hate controversy, and wasted energy, especially in dating. What’s the secret to minimizing stress and drama? Ok, one key is avoiding females that like drama, but that’s the subject of another column. Rather, it’s being candid and direct.

I know, I know, you don’t want to tell her at the dinner table that her dress sucks. No, that’s not being candid and direct, that’s being stupid, otherwise known as being honest. A totally different concept.

Rather, what I’m talking about is don’t play games. Don’t tell her you want to get married eventually if you don’t or are not sure. Don’t tell her you want kids, hers included, if you don’t or don’t yet know. Don’t feign a love of sushi if fish, raw or otherwise, is simply not your thing. Rather, put yourself in situations that you like and are comfortable. Do not mislead the female of the species, they get quite a bit more than antagonistic later on when they find differently. And, they will find out the Murphy’s Law of Dating. If It Can Go to Crap, It Will. . It’s far better to spend time with ladies that like the real you than sexy ones that seem fun, but aren’t really compatible.

Men, it may seem counterproductive and take some effort, but you will bring far less angst on yourself in your encounters, as well as earn the everlasting respect of your fellow female journey mates by being candid. They may even add you to the rare Good Guy list and who knows, maybe even set you up with friends that are far more interesting.

4. Be positive

She’s late for dinner. By two hours. Smile. She’s whining, now sending back her second undercooked entree. Smile, and laugh. She tells you about her evil ex-husband and how all he wanted was sex, for the entire three hours of the meal. Smile, even if you have to think about how lucky he is to not be here.

Dating is by definition, stressful. It’s two people, who don’t know each other, who are uncomfortable with each other, and perhaps even with themselves, auditioning in the biggest game in life, a relationship. It’s also a wonderful experience, a chance to meet many, many wonderful people, learn something new about each and every one of them, and grow as a person.

There is no room for being negative, no room for false drama. We’re all trying our best. So what if the date wasn’t perfect, Most aren’t. But, you’ve had another evening with another wonderful person, learned a few things and had a few laughs. And soon, you will meet that one, or two, or multiple, people that you really can’t wait to spend time with.

So, be positive. Convey a positive attitude. Nothing is sexier to a lady than a guy that’s happy, confident, positive, and lets her know that he’s happy to be there with her. If you’re positive, she’s going to find it hard to be less than positive as well. If not, think positive- she’s gone from your life in less than three hours.

5. Learn from each encounter

You use the same three jokes on her that you’ve always used. She frowns, and stares at her food for the rest of the evening. Did you ever stop to think that maybe that off color joke about your ex is not such a good idea? Or, you arrive home from yet another date, feeling beaten and unfulfilled. Did you ever stop to think that perhaps dating women that are aggressive, forceful personalities, that leave little in the way of dialogue or interest in your needs, is probably not what you’re seeking? Yet, you keep going out with that type?

Learn from each experience. After all, you do not have all the answers. We each come out of divorce like babes in the woods. We know nothing, and each experience gives us new knowledge. But, it’s only knowledge if we learn from it.

So, ask yourself after each date, or female, what did I like about her? Dislike? What lessons learned can I take to my next dating relationship? What have I learned about myself that will be important when and if I develop a serious relationship? Don’t assume you have all the answers. I didn’t, and still don’t. But, I’m learning.

6. Navel-gaze

Do more than simply pick lint from your bellybutton. Ladies, sorry if this offends you, but it’s an article addressed to guys. And guys, navel-gazing, as you well know, doesn’t mean straining to see over that well developed stomach area. It means introspection. Dating is an evolutionary experience. The more we date, the more we learn about ourselves. And, the more we learn about ourselves, and what we want from a relationship, the happier we will be, and the happier we will make our partners.

In female vernacular, we aren’t as in touch with our feelings as women are. This is debatable, and the subject of another column. However, it is most certainly true that we men don’t often take the time to consider our feelings. We’re good at thinking, but avoid feeling. So, don’t be afraid to navel- gaze.

7. Have fun

Dating is fun. Meeting delectable members of the opposite sex is fun, hopefully, more than fun. True, there can be a fair amount of drama or associated issues. But, don’t get sidetracked. Don’t engage. Remember, dating is fun. Life is fun, and you should have fun with the entire experience.

So, get out there, enjoy yourselves, make mistakes, learn from them, smile and above all, have fun!

[apackof2]

Men vastly underestimate the complexity and depth of a woman's social programming. Women vastly overestimate a man's.

So very true!

[apackof2]

But ladies, hunks striving for righteousness are out here!

Do you have a list you would care to share?!

LOL

[PaulaB]

remember that doin' your best to stay attractive

I agree...this was just back up for the "I Gotta wear sweats" days ;)

There is a full length mirror in our master bathroom that my hubby shaves in and I use to check "has my butt gotten bigger?"
where I hang pictures of he and I when we were young and first married. Glancing at these everyday reminds us of the crazy youth we once were and still can be in a 30ish married way plus reminds us we are still those people..even if in the other room we are hearing

" Mom/dad where are you? we need money for going to movies with friends"

**sigh**
back to reality ;)

[apackof2]

But when put to the test, biology speaks louder than any creed.

You can't generalize like that because you can only speak of those men in your sphere of accquaintace

Perhaps you don't know any truly sold out to Jesus men?

Not to say these men don't have temptations but they have a different view point of women and sex.

[The Spirit Of Allegiance]

"Do you have a list you would care to share?!"

I'm listless a list of one, Baby! ;^)

But the truth is, like God told Elisha in the cave, there are seven thousand who have not, um, bent the knee....

Taking that one thought further, if we were to take that 7000 and convert it to a percentage of ancient Israel's population, then apply that same percentage to the USA--we might find how many American singles indeed seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness...

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Kings%2019:18;&version=45;

[day10]

I have given it a little thought and I am just not sure yet, really. Also, I have 2 boys, 10 and 8 years old, who keep me pretty busy, so time is also a factor. Basically, I am very unsure, and frankly, I would wonder if anyone would want to date me to begin with..... who knows. It is so very strange to even think about these things. :-)

day10

[LucyT]

Here's an article that may be of interest on this thread.

Cohabitation: a Recipe for Marital Ruin (Puts Partners and Kids at Risk)
Zenit News Agency ^ | October 1, 2005

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1496035/posts

[apackof2]

I would wonder if anyone would want to date me to begin with

Why oh why would you ever wonder that?

Didn't a wonderful woman (your wife) want you!?

[Goodgirlinred]

I know how you feel. But you are young.What, in your early 30's? Of course someone will want to date you. Be sure you are ready before you date. I wish I had waited longer. Maybe I would have known Disaster#1 and Disaster #2 for what they were and not gotten hurt.

[Victoria Delsoul]

Hugh Hefner, for example, is a sick man who's figured out a way to degrade women to sex objects, use them and profit off the males who fantasize about those messed-up, beautiful women.

I agree. Hugh Hefner is a big time liberal and a frequent contributor to the DNC. No self-respecting conservative would emulate the likes of Hug Hefner nor would he or she be burdened by such self-degrading behavior.

[Alamo-Girl]

Thank you so much for that post!!! Hugs!

[SMARTY]

If men only knew how simple it is. Just be a gentleman. No guy has to look like a celeb or throw money around like it's confetti. But he ought to be tidy and courteous. Of course one of the few ABSOLUTE requirements is decent table manners and I will NOT sit down in public with a man who keeps his hat on in front of me, or with me or won't hold the door for me. That's not really asking too much.

[MotleyGirl70]

I can't complain about my "ex" when it comes to that; he had good manners, treated me well...opened my door , took my coat off, pulled out my chair on special nights out on the town.

Finding a man with good dinner manners may seem superficial, but it's important. At least for me it is. Don't shovel food in your face like it's your last meal.

[day10]

Yes, she did - but I figure that was a once in a lifetime kind of thing. You would have to hear the story of how we met, etc. Too long to go into here.

day10

[day10]

Wow - I wish I was early 30's again. I am actually 42 - ugh, 43 quite soon.

But I am jnot going to act like it! LOL

day10

[day10]

Baby, Baby Don't Get Hooked on Me - Mac Davis

My brain is filled with useless information such as this.

[Mr. Jeeves]

If men only knew how simple it is. Just be a gentleman.

Being a gentleman is an essential life skill. It is a necessary component of maintaining a relationship, building a good professional reputation, and establishing oneself as a solid member of the community.

But by itself, being a gentleman does nothing to attract women - any more than being a gentleman qualifies a man to run a nuclear power plant or manage the Yankees. It's just a minimum standard of civilized behavior.

Attracting women in the post-feminist era is a much bigger game, with a complex set of guidelines. The man who knows how to attract women can choose to behave like a gentleman, or not - it doesn't really affect his attractiveness, though failing to be a gentleman might negatively impact his ability to maintain relationships later on.

The process isn't simple at all. ;)

[SMARTY]

If he is not a gentleman, where's the attraction...??

When you are attracted to a woman, is she sitting in a public place picking her nose? Is she still attractive?

[apackof2]

I figure that was a once in a lifetime kind of thing

No it isn't

From reading posts on this thread you should get the picture that there are a lot of good conservative women looking for a good conservative man.

[day10]

I guess I'll just have to take the "time will tell" approach with regard to my situation.... :-)

Hope all is well with you. Just curious: on your profile page where/ at what event are you speaking?

day10