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An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.
The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

A drunk guy leaves a bar one night and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. Halfway through he falls into an open grave. He tries several times to climb out but cannot. He begins to call for help.

Meanwhile, another drunk decides to take the same shortcut through the same graveyard. Halfway through he hears a agonized voice that seems to be coming from a fresh grave. "Help me, I'm coOOold!" ... "Help me, I'm coOOold!"

Shaking with fear and soaked in a cold sweat drunk#2 crawls up to the dark grave that the voice seemed to be coming from.

"Help me, I'm coOOold!" ... "Help me, I'm coOOold!"

It takes all of his courage but he peers into the open grave and sees the first drunk supine at the bottom of the grave.

"Help me, I'm coOOold!" ... "Help me, I'm coOOold!"

"Well of course you're cold you kicked all your dirt off of you!"