Thanks, everyone, for your support! We went and got some little bitty bottles and a can of kitty formula and we fed the kittens. They are getting pretty wobbly and shaky, so I think they must still be dehydrated. Mr. legs informs me that they may, in fact, be female. What I took for testicles may just be an amorphous feline bulge; I am going to Google "cat testicles" (wish me luck), but these may be totally ordinary, run of the mill kittens. That being said, I really do appreciate everyone's kind words and advice. My husband has started a 'keep the kitties' campaign, but I still hope to find good homes for them.
You will - yours. < /voice_of_experience>
A vet friend of mine is unable to determine the gender of kittens at that age (at least by just looking). Don't waste too much time trying. It'll become clear soon enough.