A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?!"
"Um, no", she replied coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher"...........
There was this guy, passing a bar who noticed a sign in the window: "Free beer for life. Just pass the test." He went in and asked the bartender, "What is the test?"
"All you have to do," said the bartender," is drink a pint of vodka, go into the back yard and extract a tooth from an alligator, and then go upstairs and satisfy a woman who has never been satisfied."
"No problem," said the guy. He immediately drank the vodka, and went into the yard. Several minutes later, after considerable commotion, he reappeared in the bar and said, "Now, where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
ROFLOMAO!
Good one.