What Your Beer Says About You

National Lampoon ^ | 1/2005 | staff

[pissant]

Keystone Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Bud Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Original Coors

You have never met me, because I don't know anyone who drinks this beer. I imagine, though, that you are some sort of mountain man with a scruffy beard who could use refreshment after spending weeks in the Rockies distancing himself from the trivialities of the modern world.

Corona Extra

You are married, live in the suburbs and are having friends over for a barbecue. There is also a chance that you really enjoy limes, but are having a difficult time working them into your diet. Small things amuse you and you enjoy watching the lime fizzle in the bottle after you stick your finger in and turn it upside down to achieve maximum limey pleasure.

Stag

Your stomach did something to make you angry and now you are returning the favor. You enjoy spending time on the toilet and will do it often for about three days if you drink a six pack of this beer-flavored laxative. Hunting is probably one of your hobbies and the red deer on the gold can is understandably difficult to pass up. Also, you may have lost a bet or are blind and could not tell which beer you were purchasing.

Guinness

You consider yourself something of a serious beer connoisseur. Undoubtedly you enjoy the occasional cup of coffee, as your choice of beer has a similar taste. When at a pub you like to partake in this brand because the foam on the top provides the opportunity for you to get a foam mustache and show your friends how funny you look. If you drink this beer regularly, you most likely claim some degree of Irish heritage. In all likelihood there was/is a "Guinness is Good For You" sign in your dorm/fraternity room/apartment.

Old Style (better known as Doggy Style)

You are at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs. There is no other excuse to drink this.

Michelob Ultra

You desire to be fit and attractive very much, but are unwilling to give up things—like beer drinking—that are necessary to achieve this goal. The word "carbs" was an important part of your vocabulary during the low carbs craze, but you are not really sure what the benefits of cutting carbs out of your diet might be. However, to be safe, you will drink a beer that claims to be low in carbs.

[pissant]

You never had an "animal" beer. You haven't lived! LOL

[pissant]

Hey, it has 0.5% alcohol. Just need to drink 26 of them to get a buzz! ;o)

[pissant]

Stone is a good one, no doubt. But the IPA market has boomed up here in the NW. And I'm not complaining about that!

[pissant]

I always wanted the box with the trout, not the deer! ;o)

[pissant]

I passed with flying colors. I can't imagine why! LOL

[Lazamataz]

Hey, it has 0.5% alcohol. Just need to drink 26 of them to get a buzz! ;o)

Up to 0.5%.... most of them actually contain about 0.2%....

And I only have, at maximum, maybe 2 or 3 with a plate of wings.

I do believe priests get drunker than I, during services.

[Lazamataz]

If my beer could talk, it'd yell, "She's a-drinkin' of us agin! Hayelp!"

It does talk.

Most of the items in my apartment talk.

STOP THE VOICES!!!!!!

[pissant]

Sad story. We lost Olympia, Ranier, and Henry Wienhards breweries in the last 7 years. :(

But the micro-brew market has taken the world be storm!

[pissant]

Shiner has made its way into my local grocery store. I shall give it a try!

[pissant]

One advantage of being Catholic. We like to drink! ;o)

[pissant]

Good for Coors. I think they are still a conservative outfit!

[neb52]

In some ways I am sadden that it has expanded out of the regional area, but I understand business and the need to grow. I wanted Shiner to stay a Texas thing, but oh well. Its a good everyday beer. I wouldn't put it up there with the greats. But for us dark beer people Shiner is our equivalent of a light beer.

[pissant]

Brewed only with the finest Rio Grande river, taken downstream of the mexicans washing their skivvies! ;o)

[neb52]

LOL! no the brewery is further north. In between Houston and Austin/San Antonio.

[The SISU kid]

How about some "Old English 800"???????

[PeoplesRepublicOfWashington]

As my emphasis was in limnology, I preferred the fish to the terrestrial critters, but I see to recall that the terrestrial critters were more common for some reason. And trout? I seem to recall the aquatic cans had warmwater spiny rays rather than the regal trout. I drink beer so rarely these days. This thread, and the recent warm weather, has dried out my whistle, and I've bought beer the last two days. I must admit not seeing any Schmidt's in either store. I don't know if it's available in the Pac. NW.