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What Your Beer Says About You
National Lampoon ^ | 1/2005 | staff

Posted on 07/29/2005 7:51:34 AM PDT by pissant

Keystone Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Bud Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Original Coors

You have never met me, because I don't know anyone who drinks this beer. I imagine, though, that you are some sort of mountain man with a scruffy beard who could use refreshment after spending weeks in the Rockies distancing himself from the trivialities of the modern world.

Corona Extra

You are married, live in the suburbs and are having friends over for a barbecue. There is also a chance that you really enjoy limes, but are having a difficult time working them into your diet. Small things amuse you and you enjoy watching the lime fizzle in the bottle after you stick your finger in and turn it upside down to achieve maximum limey pleasure.

Stag

Your stomach did something to make you angry and now you are returning the favor. You enjoy spending time on the toilet and will do it often for about three days if you drink a six pack of this beer-flavored laxative. Hunting is probably one of your hobbies and the red deer on the gold can is understandably difficult to pass up. Also, you may have lost a bet or are blind and could not tell which beer you were purchasing.

Guinness

You consider yourself something of a serious beer connoisseur. Undoubtedly you enjoy the occasional cup of coffee, as your choice of beer has a similar taste. When at a pub you like to partake in this brand because the foam on the top provides the opportunity for you to get a foam mustache and show your friends how funny you look. If you drink this beer regularly, you most likely claim some degree of Irish heritage. In all likelihood there was/is a "Guinness is Good For You" sign in your dorm/fraternity room/apartment.

Old Style (better known as Doggy Style)

You are at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs. There is no other excuse to drink this.

Michelob Ultra

You desire to be fit and attractive very much, but are unwilling to give up things—like beer drinking—that are necessary to achieve this goal. The word "carbs" was an important part of your vocabulary during the low carbs craze, but you are not really sure what the benefits of cutting carbs out of your diet might be. However, to be safe, you will drink a beer that claims to be low in carbs.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: brewski
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To: MamaTexan

Yes, if the word "good" is omitted. ;o)


161 posted on 07/29/2005 9:47:45 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Dashing Dasher

That's much better! ;o)


162 posted on 07/29/2005 9:48:52 AM PDT by pissant
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To: pissant

The Beast is Milwaukee's Best. My first college party hangover was inspired by The Beast.


163 posted on 07/29/2005 9:49:57 AM PDT by Woman on Caroline Street (I'm not a canned good. Please don't label me.)
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To: pissant

Here in Utah, all the beer we get is 3.2% piss-water. You're right, there's not much difference except the hops (bitter-beer) flavoring.


164 posted on 07/29/2005 9:50:41 AM PDT by colorcountry (Where I come from, deeds mean a lot more than words. .....Zell Miller)
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To: Rightly Biased
And I am way beyond cheap.

Plus???

or MINUS???

165 posted on 07/29/2005 9:50:43 AM PDT by MamaTexan ( I'll TRY to behave........ I'll TRY to behave........ I'll TRY to behave........)
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To: pissant

Milwaukee's Best aka The Beast


166 posted on 07/29/2005 9:51:41 AM PDT by Hoodlum91 (Proud Owner of a Fighting West Virginia Mountain Cat)
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To: pissant

HEY, PA! What gives? Isn't there a beer ping list? If not, why not? If so, why am I not on it? Bitch, moan complain, bellyache, rant, etc....


167 posted on 07/29/2005 9:53:14 AM PDT by Argh
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To: colorcountry

There are several good microbreweries in Utah. All well over 3.2%. I wonder how many states still have that silly 3.2% law. I know Washington got rid of ours about 25 years ago.


168 posted on 07/29/2005 9:55:09 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Woman on Caroline Street

Good name for that stuff! LOL


169 posted on 07/29/2005 9:55:39 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Hoodlum91

Got it! I think it's a Miller product.


170 posted on 07/29/2005 9:56:29 AM PDT by pissant
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To: pissant; Happygal

Another unwritten rule around here is that you have to ping Irish whenever an article mentions Guinness.


171 posted on 07/29/2005 9:59:58 AM PDT by Argh
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To: Argh; Happygal

Crap, I had no idea she was still freeping! Sorry Happygal, I owe you a pint!


172 posted on 07/29/2005 10:02:54 AM PDT by pissant
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To: pissant
Pabst Blue Ribbon! Geeeeez, I'd rather drink pond water.
173 posted on 07/29/2005 10:03:46 AM PDT by onyx (North is a direction. South is a way of life.)
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To: pissant

There ARE some good micro-breweries here! Too bad you can't buy the beer in Utah (except at the State-run Liquor Stores.)

If you have to make a trip across town, between the hours of noon - 7, on weekdays or Saturday (but never on Sunday,) to buy good beer, you might as well get the "hard stuff" and get real likkerd up!


174 posted on 07/29/2005 10:04:11 AM PDT by colorcountry (Where I come from, deeds mean a lot more than words. .....Zell Miller)
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To: pissant

no I am not a canuck just appreciate good beer.


175 posted on 07/29/2005 10:04:42 AM PDT by CONSERVE
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To: Porterville

176 posted on 07/29/2005 10:05:09 AM PDT by AmishDude (Join the Amishdude fan club: "LOL, you have a great sense of humor." -- msmagoo54)
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To: elc

In Richmond (CA) they call it Genius Beer because they think it makes them smarter.


177 posted on 07/29/2005 10:08:00 AM PDT by SmithL (There are a lot of people that hate Bush more than they hate terrorists)
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To: AmishDude
Looks like I may have killed a server:

Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout: "Never say die"

178 posted on 07/29/2005 10:08:26 AM PDT by AmishDude (Join the Amishdude fan club: "LOL, you have a great sense of humor." -- msmagoo54)
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To: pissant

Beer is like sex. The worst I ever had was wonderful.


179 posted on 07/29/2005 10:11:19 AM PDT by Ditto ( No trees were killed in sending this message, but billions of electrons were inconvenienced.)
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To: Argh

Dude, I pinged you! (a little late, but nonetheless...)


180 posted on 07/29/2005 10:15:35 AM PDT by pissant
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