Posted on 07/22/2005 7:05:44 AM PDT by TheBigB
WOOOOO HOOOOO! YIPPEE-SKIP, and YABBA DABBA-DOO!!!!! It's FRIDAAAAAY! : ) Time for FRIDAY SILLINESS! As always, feel free to post jokes, silly pics, nonsensical statements, or even to IGNORE THIS THREAD!
The Census (SNL skit)
Census-Taker.....Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken
Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.
Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.
Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?
Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I'm bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.
Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn't it? Not 80. How about 4? I don't know.. I'm so bad at guestimating..
Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.
Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there's me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..
Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don't count candy bars or plants..
Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there's just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!
Census-Taker: Listen, don't worry about it. I'm gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.
Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?
Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.
Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?
Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.
Census-Taker: No, it's not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.
Census-Taker: You mean your wife?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.
Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?
Mr. Leonard: She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.
Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?
Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.
Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.
Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife's a big part of the act.
Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?
Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.
Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.
Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.
Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!
Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.
Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!
Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let's just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!
Census-Taker: Just take your time.
Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?
Census-Taker: That's not important!
Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!
Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There's no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?
Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I'd just gotten out of jail.. I'd say an hour.
Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.
Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!
Census-Taker: You know what? I've talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?
Mr. Leonard: You know, I'd love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol' ball and chain..
Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.
Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!
"Friday! WAZZZZUPPPP?!" 
LOL! I just emailed that one to my wife.
Now I gotta go scrub my eyeballs.
Pray tell what that might be. . .
This is really wierd: http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf
Be forewarned - it can kill a lot of time
It seems there were two birds sitting on a perch when one turned to the other and said; "Do you smell fish?"
It's about time B! I was so bored waiting for this thread, I actually started to work.
Peacebaby, looks like we done got ourselves a catfight a brewin' over them. LOL.
Still having problems, huh?
BTW, I just want to announce how proud I am of my 10 year old daughter. She is in "Godspell" at Bass Hall here in Fort Worth. For those of you outside of Texas, Bass Hall is the big opera house around here. The show opened Tuesday, and runs till Sunday. She isn't one of the lead characters, but she's on stage the whole time. I am proud. I wanted to post a vanity thread about it, but thought I would just post it here instead.
Congrats! I know you have been waiting for this! ;)
Hogwart's Academy
Ron Weasley.....Seth Meyers
Harry Potter.....Rachel Dratch
Hermione Granger.....Lindsay Lohan
Fred Weasley.....Chris Parnell
George Weasley.....Jimmy Fallon
Severus Snape.....Will Forte
Rubeus Hagrid.....Horatio Sanz
[open on exterior of Hogwarts Castle with title: "Hogwart’s Academy" in Harry Potter-style letters]
[dissolve to interior, Gryffindor common room, Harry is already present and wearing red and yellow Gryffindor scarf]
Ron: [running down stairs, also wearing Gryffindor scarf] Harry! Harry! Harry Potter! Welcome back! Did you have a good summer?
Harry: No! Voldemort's returned, and he's trying to kill me...again!
Ron: I heard. We need Hermione. Is she here yet?
[Hermione enters, wearing a blouse with a plunging neckline, and possessing big breasts and a rather significant cleavage]
Hermione: I got here hours ago. I've been in the library, researching cloaking spells.
Ron: [takes notice of Hermione’s cleavage] Ah, heh, ah, Hermione! Mmmmm...ha, oh, hmmm…
Harry: Hello, Hermione. Welcome back. How was your summer?
Hermione: Boring. Nothing happened.
Harry: Really? [ looking at Hermione's chest ] Seems like a lot happened.
Hermione: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ron: I can think of a couple things that happened. It's just that, you see, it's only been a few months since we last saw you, yet, um, ah, ha...wow! [Harry fixes him with a glare]
Harry: Ron just means that, ah, you look very nice, Hermione.
Hermione: Thank you, Harry. But we have to perform this cloaking spell to protect you from Voldemort. [raises arms and clasps her hands behind her head, thus enhancing her bosom] Protectium invisibum! Come on, what are you waiting for?
[Harry and Ron assume the same pose as Hermione]
Harry and Ron: Protectama invibaba... [mumbling as they stare into Hermione’s cleavage]
Hermione: Are you concentrating on the spell?
Harry and Ron: Uh-huh. [shaking heads "no"]
Hermione: It doesn't seem to be working!
[Fred and George come down the stairs]
Fred: Hey, Nimrod 2000’s, did you hear the news?
George: Yes, Malfoy bought out all the Firebolts for all the Slyther... [Fred’s jaw drops and so does George’s as soon as he sees Hermione]…ha-ba-ba-ba...Hello, Hermi—Hello, Hermione.
Hermione: Hello, Fred, George. How are you?
Fred and George: Hello, Hermi-aye-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai!
Fred: [ to Hermione ] How are you?
George: How are you doing?
Fred: Let's hang out for a minute. Incindio! [a fire flares up in the fireplace]
George: Couchio. [a couch behind them moved forward]
[Fred and George guide Hermione to sit on the couch with them]
Fred: Stereo. [Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" plays]
Harry: Gah! [music stops] We're very busy right now! If you haven't heard, Voldemort has returned and is trying to recruit the Dementors to take over Hogwarts!
George: Hey, Potter, cool it with the nerd stuff. Shut up.
Fred: Listen, we got a place off campus and a mini-fridge filled with butterbeer.
Hermione: I'm sorry boys, we can't waste time. We'll celebrate after we defeat Voldemort. [gets off the couch]
George: What a tease. [Fred and George get up from the couch]
Fred: Well, if you'll excuse us, we're off to go beat a couple of bludgers.
Harry: Ah, ah, going to play some Quidditch?
Fred and George: No.
Hermione: All right, the cloaking spell didn't work. Let's try a reverse enchantment. [clasps her hands behind her back and thrusts slightly forward with each repetition] Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. The magic isn't happening!
Ron: I'm going to disagree with you.
Hermione: But it's not working.
Ron: Oh, it's working so much. Please don't stop.
[Snape enters from stage left, wearing black robes]
Snape: What are you children doing out of bed?
Hermione: Professor Snape! [thrusts her chest in Snape’s face]
Snape: Hey-o! [shields eyes] Okay, let's break it up here. Let's move along. [lasciviously] Hermione, is that you?
Hermio
ne: Yes, Professor Snape. Snape: [nicely] Please, call me Severus. [turns serious] No, no, please call me Professor, Professor Snape! Okay, that's fifty points each from Gryffindor! Now, go to bed! [exits stage left]
Hermione: All right, we have to hurry. This is our last chance. [takes a book from the table and sets it on the floor] Madame Helena's Book of Incantations. [picks up an enormous magnifying glass and holds it directly in front of her chest] The print is so small! Ah, that's better.
Ron: I'll say.
[Harry and Ron peer into the opposite side of the magnifying glass while Hermione reads]
Hermione: It says here, "Sun to moon, moon to sun, the twilight at will, come undone!" What does that mean?
Harry: I don't know, but it's making me nervous and sweaty.
[Hagrid comes down the staircase, wearing green groundskeeper's robes]
Hermione: Hagrid!
Hagrid: Hello, kids!
Ron: Hagrid.
Hagrid: [to Hermione] Hello, who are you?
Hermione: Hagrid, it's Hermione.
Hagrid: [eyes widen] Yikes. What happened? Take it out of my brain, take it out! Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Okay, well, all right, I'd better go out to the woods and tame my dragon.
Harry: Ah, you got a new pet?
Hagrid: [pause] Nope.
Hermione: I give up. This is ridiculous. We didn't get anything done, and Voldemort's on the loose. I'm going upstairs to have a bath. [exits stage right]
Ron: [giddy with lust] Um, Harry. That invisibility cloak, do you still have access to that?
Harry and Ron: Woo-hoo-ha-ha-ha! [they jump and scurry around excitedly as the camera zooms out onto the set of SNL and the sketch ends]
Hooty Hoo! It's Friday, thanks for the ping BigB.
Cheers To All!
Happy Birthday to Me!
(We're off to the casino in Louisiana)
congrats, jtminton. You're entitled to be proud.
Congrats!
Oh........you only wish!;-)
Cheers!
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