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*** OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD ***
7/22/05 | TheBigB

Posted on 07/22/2005 7:05:44 AM PDT by TheBigB

WOOOOO HOOOOO! YIPPEE-SKIP, and YABBA DABBA-DOO!!!!! It's FRIDAAAAAY! : ) Time for FRIDAY SILLINESS! As always, feel free to post jokes, silly pics, nonsensical statements, or even to IGNORE THIS THREAD!

The Census (SNL skit)

Census-Taker.....Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken

Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.

Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.

Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?

Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I'm bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.

Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?

Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn't it? Not 80. How about 4? I don't know.. I'm so bad at guestimating..

Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.

Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there's me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..

Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don't count candy bars or plants..

Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there's just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!

Census-Taker: Listen, don't worry about it. I'm gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?

Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.

Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?

Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.

Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?

Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.

Census-Taker: No, it's not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?

Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.

Census-Taker: You mean your wife?

Mr. Leonard: Yeah.

Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?

Mr. Leonard: She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.

Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?

Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.

Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.

Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]

Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.

Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife's a big part of the act.

Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?

Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.

Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.

Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.

Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.

Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!

Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.

Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!

Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let's just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?

Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!

Census-Taker: Just take your time.

Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?

Census-Taker: That's not important!

Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!

Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There's no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?

Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I'd just gotten out of jail.. I'd say an hour.

Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.

Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!

Census-Taker: You know what? I've talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?

Mr. Leonard: You know, I'd love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol' ball and chain..

Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.

Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!

"Friday! WAZZZZUPPPP?!"


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: silly
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Hey, cutie. Your dad is crazy, doyou know? Is he as funny to you as he to us?


441 posted on 07/22/2005 10:56:17 AM PDT by peacebaby (Hot time, summer in the city. Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty.)
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To: StinkyDilly
SWEET!!!! Just a bit bigger than mine.

BOAT
Your'e a boat!

What vehicle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

442 posted on 07/22/2005 10:56:22 AM PDT by JimWforBush (Don't touch my Willie - Kevin Fowler)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Oh my!

She's gorgeous (what are you doin' about the boys wantin' to be around her?)


443 posted on 07/22/2005 10:56:22 AM PDT by najida (Living with cutting edge 1920's technology.)
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To: Zacs Mom

Tools. Have to include tools to get the men there.


444 posted on 07/22/2005 10:56:26 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Awwww, now she gives new meaning to "cute as a button." : )


445 posted on 07/22/2005 10:56:33 AM PDT by TheBigB (How in the blue hell did Kelly Leak bat three times in the Astrodome?)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

you lie


446 posted on 07/22/2005 10:56:57 AM PDT by peacebaby (Hot time, summer in the city. Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty.)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick
Traktor
You are a tractor!

What vehicle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
447 posted on 07/22/2005 10:57:03 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: TheBigB

She's smart, too, even though she is a blond cheerleader.


448 posted on 07/22/2005 10:57:45 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: PaulaB

She absolutely hates the military.

I think I'm gonna spike her coke with some valium. Be back in a minute....


449 posted on 07/22/2005 10:58:41 AM PDT by peacebaby (Hot time, summer in the city. Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty.)
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To: najida
what are you doin' about the boys wantin' to be around her?

I conduct sneaker checks. I tell them they better have damn fast sneakers to outrun my 9 millimeter if they ever make her cry.

450 posted on 07/22/2005 10:58:59 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
She's smart, too, even though she is a blond cheerleader.

Hey....blond cheerleaders turn out just fine and make wonderful future freepers....what a sweetie...your very blessed
451 posted on 07/22/2005 10:59:37 AM PDT by PaulaB
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To: Fierce Allegiance
You are a tractor!

How'd I know you'd get that one.

452 posted on 07/22/2005 10:59:52 AM PDT by JimWforBush (Don't touch my Willie - Kevin Fowler)
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To: peacebaby

My dad is goofy </Nosilla>


453 posted on 07/22/2005 11:00:03 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: JimWforBush
Traktor
You are a tractor!

What vehicle are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
454 posted on 07/22/2005 11:00:18 AM PDT by najida (Living with cutting edge 1920's technology.)
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To: Izzy Dunne

HOW did they DO that???

455 posted on 07/22/2005 11:00:21 AM PDT by bannie (The government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.)
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To: JimWforBush

Manipulation.


456 posted on 07/22/2005 11:00:24 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: PaulaB; Jersey Republican Biker Chick; peacebaby; Fierce Allegiance
But, in her panic, this is all she will see


457 posted on 07/22/2005 11:00:43 AM PDT by Zacs Mom (Proud wife of a Marine! ... and purveyor of "rampant, unedited dialogue")
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To: najida

CRAP! Your tractor is bigger than mine. I now have a bad case of tractor envy.


458 posted on 07/22/2005 11:01:06 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
My dad is goofy

Yes, your Dad is.

459 posted on 07/22/2005 11:01:33 AM PDT by JimWforBush (Don't touch my Willie - Kevin Fowler)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Nosilla,

You keep him in line for us, OK?


460 posted on 07/22/2005 11:01:37 AM PDT by najida (Living with cutting edge 1920's technology.)
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