Posted on 07/22/2005 7:05:44 AM PDT by TheBigB
WOOOOO HOOOOO! YIPPEE-SKIP, and YABBA DABBA-DOO!!!!! It's FRIDAAAAAY! : ) Time for FRIDAY SILLINESS! As always, feel free to post jokes, silly pics, nonsensical statements, or even to IGNORE THIS THREAD!
The Census (SNL skit)
Census-Taker.....Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken
Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.
Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.
Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?
Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I'm bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.
Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn't it? Not 80. How about 4? I don't know.. I'm so bad at guestimating..
Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.
Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there's me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..
Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don't count candy bars or plants..
Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there's just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!
Census-Taker: Listen, don't worry about it. I'm gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.
Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?
Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.
Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?
Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.
Census-Taker: No, it's not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.
Census-Taker: You mean your wife?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.
Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?
Mr. Leonard: She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.
Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?
Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.
Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.
Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife's a big part of the act.
Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?
Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.
Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.
Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.
Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!
Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.
Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!
Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let's just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!
Census-Taker: Just take your time.
Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?
Census-Taker: That's not important!
Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!
Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There's no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?
Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I'd just gotten out of jail.. I'd say an hour.
Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.
Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!
Census-Taker: You know what? I've talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?
Mr. Leonard: You know, I'd love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol' ball and chain..
Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.
Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!
"Friday! WAZZZZUPPPP?!" 
mmmmmmmmm, good.
Was there a doubt?
you are the most normal person that toke this
quiz...soooo please rate....
How insane are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
He he he,
The fireplace has been fauxed down with whitewash so it now looks kinda like pale marble (if you squint).
That's a YOMANK (You Owe Me A New Keyboard)
An Italian parks his brand new BMW in front of the office,just down the
street from Casa Napoli, to show it off to his bros. As he's getting out
of the car, a truck comes speeding along close to the curb and takes off
the door before speeding away.
More than a little distraught, the Italian grabs his cell and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a
chance to ask any questions, the Italian starts screaming hysterically:
"My BMW, my beautiful black BMW is ruined !!!! No matter how
long at the body shop it'll never be the same again!"
After the Italian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust:
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Italians are," he says.
"You guys are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Italian.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."?
The Italian looks down in absolute horror.
"HOLY F**K!!!!!! he screams........"Where's my f * ckin' Rolex????..."
Majorly.
Good swipe, Mama. :-)
Watch out for them cruise-liners too, somebody is always falling off them sombitches.
I didn't think Lisandra was like that, LOL.
Then YOMANK me many.
KITTY pics!
You know...meow, meow, pfst, pfst!!
NOT doggie duty pics!
Besides...why let the dog have all the fun?
Think of all the pleasure I can give you!
LOL. "Osama Strength." OMG.
(Still trying to get my mind around The Fish Room)
That houseboat was rocking and rolling in its slip and I couldn't get my sea legs to save my soul. Had I been drinking I'd be the first one overboard.
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