Posted on 05/05/2005 10:48:08 AM PDT by missyme
The experience of unrequited love – not just a minor crush, but an intense passionate yearning – is virtually universal at some point in everyone's love life.
A study involving more than 150 men and women found that only two percent had never loved someone who spurned them, or found themselves the object of romantic passion they did not reciprocate. No wonder so many people stay in a dating relationship even when they know it's not the best thing for them.
The investment of time, energy, and even money can lead some people to hang onto an unhappy relationship, believing the payoff is coming soon. They don't want to have wasted their efforts. They don't want to have "failed." Some may stay in an unhealthy relationship because of social pressure.
We recently spoke to a seemingly mature woman who had legitimate reasons for breaking up with her boyfriend, but because her friends wanted her to attend a big year-end party with them as a "couple," she was putting off the breakup for a couple months.
Another reason some stay in an unsatisfactory relationship is because they don't have an alternative. The ol' plenty-of-fish-in-the-sea maxim rings hollow for them, so they stay stuck.
There are a variety of reasons a person might stay in an unhappy dating relationship, but by far, the most common is this: Even a bad relationship can bring a feeling of security. No matter how false it actually is, the feeling of being "involved" brings assurance.
People in these kinds of relationships usually won't admit it, but like a familiar pair of worn out shoes, their relationship provides a sense of comfort they can't seem give up-no matter how bad the relationship really is.
Dan, a 24 year-old, recently admitted to us that he has been in a dating relationship for nearly two years that is "going nowhere." He told us that hardly a weekend goes by where they don't end up fighting. Their interests are at polar extremes; he likes racecars, she's into novels. They don't even pretend to like what the other is into.
More troubling than their divergent interests, however, is their lack of shared values. Dan is committed to his faith while she wants nothing to do with church. "I don't know why we're still together," he told us. "I guess it's just nice to know there is someone there for you."
Really? It didn't sound like they were there for each other. Was Dan serious? Indeed, he was. Like every other lonelyheart in a no-good dating relationship, Dan's only love was security.
The human compulsion for security is stronger than a magnet. It can play serious tricks on our faculties. And since we often don't like the anxiety that comes from making waves, we don't rock the boat. We sit quietly in our relationship, going nowhere, drifting aimlessly when we should be making some tough decisions.
"I think when you first start dating" says comedian Jerry Seinfeld, "they ought to give you three 'Get Out of Relationship Free' cards." If only it were that easy.
Nice pix of Laguna!
San Diego! :)
Sorry! It sure looked like the beach at Laguna..... of course I haven't been there in ten years.
looked like Laguna Beach to me too....with all the art places off the beach.......
Isolation is the I Solution.
< /deep >
It used to be called dating.
Maybe you live in the wrong state. lol
Well, let's just say MN, AZ and CA haven't worked so I can find a Mrs. Geek. Only 47 states to go...
Of course they are older and no children are involved.
I know the feeling
Still apackof2 instead of "3"....(me, mr. & puppy)
This entire article is horse puckey. If the relationship provides a sense of comfort, it's probably pretty good. What earth-shaking problems, in the eyes of this writer, constitutes a bad relationship? He likes Italian and she likes French? Or what?
If you don't plan on having children no need for marraige and your relationship can be what ever you want it to be.
I know people like that also..Why would people that are older have to be married again? If they are established have there own homes they can just visit each other...
agreed.......friends and lovers without marriage can be every bit as rewarding and loving etc as the piece of paper at that age....what time is dinner??????>......lol
Of course I said that after my first marriage failed, but this second marriage is great and if something should happen that I'd be single again, I'd stay that way.
Yes they do say 2nd marraiges work out better thann the first ones, since yiou do or should have learned from some of those mistakes, plus you kow more of what your looking for in that person for a long term commitment.
I too would never marry again if my 2nd marraige failed.
Yes they do say 2nd marraiges work out better thann the first ones, since yiou do or should have learned from some of those mistakes, plus you kow more of what your looking for in that person for a long term commitment.
I too would never marry again if my 2nd marraige failed.
technically, those that attempt to live at least a semi-moral life do require marraige in order to not live a celibate life.
I myself just married in Feb and we don't plan on having children but having children isn't the ONLY reason why people choose to share their lives with each other. People can say what they want but there is something unspoken, a commitment level that isn't reached until you both decide to make that commitment, to share the rest of your lives with the other person.
I understand that that particular type of outlook isn't popular today, with our drive-thru disposable society, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I certainly wouldn't attempt to try to tell others that having intense sexual relationships w/ people outside of marraige is alright - talk about doing some emotional damage. No one comes out of situations like that unscathed, as much as people would like to think they do. JUST mho, of course.
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