365 Reasons to Get Soused (...and for April)

1 April Fool’s Day. AKA The Day of Abject Cruelty Posing as Good Natured Hijinks. Zima. (Gotcha!)

2 Anniversary of Battle of the Flowers (French). Only the French would fight over flowers. Fernet Branca.

3 Festival of Min (Egyptian). Min was the god of wheat and sex. Wheat beer in a sexy glass.

4 First home phone installed (1877). Making it ridiculously easy for the hungover masses to call in sick. Bloody Mary.

5 Tomb Sweeping Day (Chinese). Because, you know, those tombs can get awfully dusty. Tombstone Whiskey.

6 Merle Haggard’s Birthday (1937). Songs included “Whiskey Bent and Hellbound” and “The Whiskey Ain’t Working.” Hope he was right. George Dickel Whiskey.

7 Robert Peary reaches the North Pole (1909). His provisions included a case of Guinness. Ice cold Guinness.

8 International Feng Shui Awareness Day. Just think how much your personal energy would improve if you moved the beer in your fridge to your stomach. A refrigerator of beer.

10 National Alcohol Screening Day. If you don’t have a cocktail strainer, you can screen it through your fingers. Butterfinger 1 1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps 1 1/2 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream 2 oz milk Pour butterscotch schnapps and Bailey’s over ice, top with milk, shake it up, screen into glass.

12 Walk on Your Wild Side Day. Visit a bar that doesn’t care for your type. Wild Turkey 101.

13 Thomas Jefferson’s Birthday (1743). Ran up $100,000 wine tab while in the White House. American wine.

I was a bartender for years so I got a kick out of the Bartender's Glossary from the website:

Glossary of Terms

When I started bartending ten years ago, I was immediately drawn to the language of the job. Not just the immediate jargon of what was ordered and how (neat, rocks, over, bruised, dirty, screaming, dry), but the way bartenders communicate with each other. For instance, when you are “in the weeds,” it means that the throng of lushes waiting for their drinks is so overwhelming it’s as though you are lost in a thicket of weeds. Here now are some other words and phrases I’ve picked up along the way. . .

1) Stiff n., v. Perhaps the most famous of all, and generally a bartender’s biggest concern. This refers to neglecting to tip the bartender, or the person guilty of said neglect. Basically — though every bartender will deny this — we have a deep-seated hatred for stiffs. If you are stiffing your bartender, you can bet that he/she despises you, thinks you are the crowning example of what cheapness is, and that diversions will be created to insure that you do not get served as quickly as you would like, or as skillfully as you had hoped. If you are a stiff, and you drink cocktails, you will never get drunk because you will never get any liquor in your drink.

2) The PMS n. An acronym for Pre-Meditated Stiffer, this is the person who comes to the bar and orders his drink while displaying exact change. He is telegraphing to you that he won’t be tipping you. The one thing that a stiff has going for him is that the bartender doesn’t know he’s a stiff. The PMS takes care of this up front so that we can get down to the business of hating him immediately.

3) Water Face n. For some reason people are embarrassed to order “just a water.” I guess some bartenders get snotty about it, though I feel you’re entitled to have water. Water-face is that scrunched up, wrinkled expression that someone makes when timid of their own solicitation. It is generally accompanied by a squeaky, frightened voice.

4) Drunk Face n. It’s the face that tells us it’s time to cut ‘em off. You know it: That blank stare into the cosmos, the droopy eyelids, the purposeless grin, the slack jaw. Drunk Face sways in his seat, as if to music, but actually because his equilibrium is in the same place his guts will be in a few hours. Drunk Face doesn’t even want another cocktail, but is incensed that you won’t comply. Drunk-Face has no idea where he is. Drunk Face mutters unintelligibly and wants either to high-five you, or punch you.

5) Whistler n. This is the impatient bastard who subscribes to the “squeaky wheel gets the grease” theory. Unfortunately for him, and any bartender worth his balls’ weight in quarters will agree, the squeaky wheel goes last and gets no grease. When someone whistles at me to get my attention, I respond, always, like this. . . “Please don’t whistle at me, I’m not your fucking dog.”

6) Thrashing Seal n. Thrashing Seal refers to a woman who is so drunk that she thrashes about, arms flailing and balance lost. As do real seals in the ocean, the Thrashing Seal in the bar attracts sharks. The sharks being men who have miserably failed at picking up women whose wits are still intact. Every man has, at least once, preyed on a Thrashing Seal.

7) The Cruiser n. This is the woman, dressed tits out, alone in the bar, who flirts with men so they might buy her a cocktail. You will see The Cruiser with about six or seven guys throughout the night, she will leave alone. Her hand will always be on the man’s knee when she speaks, she will listen with intense appreciation to his every word, and she will suck up his drinks. In the old days (and some present-day titty bars) less than scrupulous owners actually hired these girls. They would have a bottle set aside with nothing but water or juice in it and charge the “mark” full price for her drink. It’s a horrible scam, one that preys on men’s pathetic, perpetual crusade for the Thrashing Seal.

8) Hour of Our Discontent n. The last hour of the night, from 1 a.m. on, when it’s a mad scramble for water (Water Face and Drunk Face now merged as one), and the time when everyone wants a pen. The hook-ups have been made, and it’s now time for consummation — the phone number on the back of a napkin or matchbook. Sometimes it’s comical, sometimes pitiful. God knows I’ve woken up once or twice with a hellfire hangover and a crumpled napkin that featured a barely legible number on it. So, I’m not throwing stones — or at least not throwing them very hard. ¸

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