How about a little Priest? ;-)
TODD: (spoken) These are desperate times,
Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!
LOVETT: Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!
TODD: What is that?
LOVETT:
It's priest. Have a little priest.
TODD:
Is it really good?
LOVETT:
Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,
So it's pretty fresh.
TODD:
Awful lot of fat.
LOVETT:
Only where it sat.
TODD:
Haven't you got poet, or something like that?
LOVETT:
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
'Ow do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!
TODD: (spoken) Heavenly!
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,
but then again, not as bland as curate, either!
LOVETT:
And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more!
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!
Lawyer's rather nice.
TODD:
If it's for a price.
LOVETT:
Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow it twice!
TODD:
Anything that's lean.
LOVETT:
Well, then, if you're British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal Marine!
Anyway, it's clean.
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!
TODD:
Is that squire,
On the fire?
LOVETT:
Mercy no, sir, look closer,
You'll notice it's grocer!
TODD:
Looks thicker,
More like vicar!
LOVETT:
No, it has to be grocer --
It's green!
TODD:
The history of the world, my love --
LOVETT:
Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors!
TODD:
Is those below serving those up above!
LOVETT:
Ev'rybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors!
TODD:
How gratifying for once to know
BOTH:
That those above will serve those down below!
LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got tinker.
TODD: Something... pinker.
LOVETT: Tailor?
TODD: Paler.
LOVETT: Butler?
TODD: Subtler.
LOVETT: Potter?
TODD: Hotter.
LOVETT: Locksmith?
Lovely bit of clerk.
TODD:
Maybe for a lark.
LOVETT:
Then again there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark!
Try the financier,
Peak of his career!
TODD:
That looks pretty rank.
LOVETT:
Well, he drank,
It's a bank
Cashier.
Never really sold.
Maybe it was old.
TODD:
Have you any Beadle?
LOVETT:
Next week, so I'm told!
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and
Notice 'ow well it's been greased...
Stick to priest!
(spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit stringy,
but then of course it's... fiddle player!
TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player!
LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell?
TODD: It's piping hot!
LOVETT: Then blow on it first!
TODD:
The history of the world, my sweet --
LOVETT:
Oh, Mr. Todd,
Ooh, Mr. Todd,
What does it tell?
TODD:
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!
LOVETT:
And, Mr. Todd,
Too, Mr. Todd,
Who gets to sell!
TODD:
But fortunately, it's also clear
BOTH:
That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer!
LOVETT: (spoken)
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral?
TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.
LOVETT: With, or without his privates? "With" is extra.
TODD: What is that?
LOVETT:
It's fop.
Finest in the shop.
And we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I've just begun --
Here's the politician, so oily
It's served with a doily,
Have one!
TODD:
Put it on a bun.
Well, you never know if it's going to run!
LOVETT:
Try the friar,
Fried, it's drier!
TODD:
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!
LOVETT:
Then actor,
That's compacter!
TODD:
Yes, and always arrives overdone!
I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!
LOVETT: (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,
but we've got something you might fancy even better.
TODD: What's that?
LOVETT: Executioner!
TODD:
Have charity towards the world, my pet!
LOVETT:
Yes, yes, I know, my love!
TODD:
We'll take the customers that we can get!
LOVETT:
High-born and low, my love!
TODD:
We'll not discriminate great from small!
No, we'll serve anyone,
Meaning anyone,
BOTH:
And to anyone
At all!
Thanks for posting all of that, I had quite forgotten how clever "SWEENY TODD" was.
Cut to an undertaker's shop
Undertaker
Morning.
Man
Good Morning.
Undertaker
What can I do for you, squire?
Man
Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. You see, my mother has just died.
Undertaker
Ah well, we can help you. We deal with stiffs.
Man
What?
Undertaker
Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
Man
Dump her?
Undertaker
Dump her in the Thames.
Man
What?
Undertaker
Oh, did you like her?
Man
Yes!
Undertaker
Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think? We can bury her or burn her.
Man
Well, which do you recommend?
Undertaker
Well, they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead, but quick. (the audience starts booing) and then we give you handful of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.
Man
Oh.
Undertaker
Or, if we bury her she gets eaten up lots of weevils, and nasty maggots, (the booing increases) which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.
Man
I see. Well, she's definitely dead.
Undertaker
Where is she?
Man
She's in this sack.
Undertaker
Can I have a look? She looks quite young.
Man
Yes, yes, she was.
Increasing protests from audience
Undertaker
(calling) Fred!
Fred's voice
Yeah?
Undertaker
I think we've got an eater.
Man
What?
Another undertaker pokes his head round the door
Fred
Right, I'll get the oven on. (goes off)
Man
Er, excuse me, um, are you suggesting eating my mother?
Undertaker
Er ... Yeah. Not raw. Cooked.
Man
What?
Undertaker
Yes, roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce ...
Man
Well, I do feel a bit peckish.
Voice From Audience
Disgraceful! Boo! (etc.)
Undertaker
Great!
Man
Can we have some parsnips?
Undertaker
(calling) Fred - get some parsnips.
Man
I really don't think I should.
Undertaker
Look, tell you what, we'll eat her, if you feel a bit guilty about it after, we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.