Cut to an undertaker's shop
Undertaker
Morning.
Man
Good Morning.
Undertaker
What can I do for you, squire?
Man
Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. You see, my mother has just died.
Undertaker
Ah well, we can help you. We deal with stiffs.
Man
What?
Undertaker
Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
Man
Dump her?
Undertaker
Dump her in the Thames.
Man
What?
Undertaker
Oh, did you like her?
Man
Yes!
Undertaker
Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think? We can bury her or burn her.
Man
Well, which do you recommend?
Undertaker
Well, they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead, but quick. (the audience starts booing) and then we give you handful of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.
Man
Oh.
Undertaker
Or, if we bury her she gets eaten up lots of weevils, and nasty maggots, (the booing increases) which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.
Man
I see. Well, she's definitely dead.
Undertaker
Where is she?
Man
She's in this sack.
Undertaker
Can I have a look? She looks quite young.
Man
Yes, yes, she was.
Increasing protests from audience
Undertaker
(calling) Fred!
Fred's voice
Yeah?
Undertaker
I think we've got an eater.
Man
What?
Another undertaker pokes his head round the door
Fred
Right, I'll get the oven on. (goes off)
Man
Er, excuse me, um, are you suggesting eating my mother?
Undertaker
Er ... Yeah. Not raw. Cooked.
Man
What?
Undertaker
Yes, roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce ...
Man
Well, I do feel a bit peckish.
Voice From Audience
Disgraceful! Boo! (etc.)
Undertaker
Great!
Man
Can we have some parsnips?
Undertaker
(calling) Fred - get some parsnips.
Man
I really don't think I should.
Undertaker
Look, tell you what, we'll eat her, if you feel a bit guilty about it after, we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.
:-)