Top Ten Additional Reasons the IDF Discriminates Against D&D Dorks

Ace of Spades HQ ^ | 3/11/05 | Ace

[thoughtomator]

Top Ten Additional Reasons the IDF Discriminates Against D&D Dorks

By Ace and the unofficial staff of Ace of Spades HQ.

10. Errors in navigation caused by conflict between global positioning system and graph paper (David)

9. Insubordinate gamers often accuse their higher-level officers of "munchkinism" or of being "the DM's pet" (Dave from Garfield Ridge; adapted a little)

8. Too many jeep's wheels have been blown out due to running over a misplaced d4 (Ace)

7. Morele is hurt when players refer to others as "Non-Player Characters" (vonKreedon)

6. Insist on establishing a "marching order" with painted miniatures before every patrol; fights often break out as someome is always stuck with being represented by a Parcheesi pawn or the shoe from Monopoly (Ace)

5. It's not the D&D per se that disqualifies, it's that most gamers can't meet the IDF's prerequisite minimum charisma of 8 (David)

4. Gamers' idea of "intelligence gathering" is going to the local bar, ordering a "mead," and asking the bartender, "So, any interesting rumors and/or opportunities for adventurers?"

3. More selfish recruits ignore the battle plan and go straight after the targets with the "the most experience points" (Patrick)

2. It is simply not a recognized defense to a court-martial that you are Chaotic Evil and simply being faithful to your "character concept" (adapted from Vecna)

...and the Number One Further Reason the IDF Discriminates Against D&D Dorks...

1. Six words: "Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!" (David)

Beating a Dead Paladin's Warhorse Bonus Entry:

0. Applications from gamers seem to include a suspicious number of "natural 18's" and successful rolls for psionics

Posted by Ace at 01:54 PM

[thoughtomator]

And if you liked that, here's the first one:

http://ace.mu.nu/archives/070876.php

[thecabal]

How about for slaying a wandering dog for that last 2 XP neeeded to level up?

"I cast Magic Missile!"

[thoughtomator]

I bet you would like this. A lot. (I did!)

[thecabal]

Heh, that was pretty good. I think my favorite is Knights of the Dinner Table. I had *way* too many games like the ones in KODT. Way back in the day when I played. LOL! Another great comic is Dork Tower. Today's comic is especially good. "Don't ask, don't smell". Heh heh heh...

[Felicity Fahrquar]

KODT...wow. Haven't thought about that in ages, though I still have my issues. I especially liked the "Dark Prince of Muncie" riff, in no small part because I used to live there.

My daughter found my dice and a bunch of fossilized character sheets one day not too long ago; her immortal words of wisdom were "Jeez, Mom, you are SUCH a geek." It was a proud moment.

FF

[thecabal]

That's right, wear it as a badge of pride! LOL

As much as I hate to admit it, I did sample the LARP scene here in Salem a few years ago. At the time, I was working in the local game store owned by my friend, so I had to at least give it a try. Man, I learned a whole new level to "Drama Queen". Of course, my friend the store owner, managed to become Prince of Salem through many Machiavellian schemes. There's something I don't think I would be too proud of these days. :)

I still have a lot of my RPG stuff laying around, but I haven't touched them in a few years. No kids yet, but I'm waiting for the day when they can loudly proclaim what a geek I am when they find my stash.

[Crazieman]

How about this old classic: 8 Bit D&D

[Felicity Fahrquar]

You want a painful admission, try this on for size: I used to BE the local game store owner. My former spouse and I, along with a business partner, owned and operated a comics and gaming shop in the NW suburbs of Chicago. (Yes. Comics AND gaming. I can also quote Python, Babylon 5 and a wide selection of Star Treks. I'm positively steeped in geek culture. I figure that gives me an automatic 3d12 bonus roll for Offspring Embarrassment.)

That marriage collapsed right around the time the LARP thing was really getting into high gear around there, and I never got into it. But I had a number of friends who did, and I found myself wondering if maybe, just maybe, they had a bit too much free time on their hands.... ;b

[Spktyr]

4d20, not 3d12. :)

[Felicity Fahrquar]

I stand corrected, heh....and I always had a knack for rolling natural 20s. ;b

[Felicity Fahrquar]

I just saw this on Ace's blog, on a follow-up list:

"IDF General Staff obviously a pack of absinthe-swilling, black-mascara'd, Gother-than-thou Vampire: The Masquerade players."

Damn near sprayed hot tea all over the laptop.

[thecabal]

LOL! You haven't seen funny until you've seen a Vampire LARP player running around "obfuscated".

[Felicity Fahrquar]

I know! Even better: once when I'd brought my daughter up for a visit with her dad (who had actively gotten into Vamp LARP), she and I were just leaving the house as the first players were starting to arrive. I innocently tossed off some funny nothing-in-particular remark to a couple people I knew on my way out. Since they knew me, they knew I was speaking "out of game," even though I didn't say so (travesty!); a couple of others who DIDN'T know me thought I was speaking "in game," and even worse, that I was a player from some sort of rival clan who was stealing away with Miranda in order to create chaos so my former spouse could stage some sort of coup to get her back and wrest control. Apparently it took the better part of the night to get everybody straightened out. Would they accept the easy explanation? NOOOOO! "Obfuscate"?? Hell, most of that lot could hardly think, let alone play.

To their credit, though, they were snazzy dressers. LOL.

[John Will]

It never is more fun at 1st level with a 1/2 Orc bbn with 24 strength.

THACO is wacko, 3.5 for life.

Manditory
NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
SSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

[Professional Engineer]

ROFLOL

[Felicity Fahrquar]

BWWWAA-HAHAHAA!

(aw, man, now I'm gonna have to go dig out my dice, just for nostalgia's sake...somebody would have to go and use the word "Orc"...)