Dream Lover, where are you-u-u?
Oh, OK
Posted on 03/11/2005 8:16:15 AM PST by Fierce Allegiance
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Definition of Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk,
after a very late night out with the boys, being met
at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife,
. . and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
That ain't bravery.
Jesus and the Democrat
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability.
Sadly he is now suffering from tunnel vision. He considered switching to proctology but does not want to get behind in his studies.
I have a friend who was majoring in bio-engineering until his homework ate his dog.
There is a fine line between bravery & sheer stupidity!
Wait just one minute! Are you saying they have schools for that?
They also have colleges for pharmacology. Whod'a thunk, all these years doing both as an amateur.
Reminds me of a scene from - I think it was "The Life of Brian" where a guy comes up dancing and says, "Alms for a poor ex-leper." He goes on to explain that he has no job skills except begging and now that he's been healed he doesn't have any way to earn a living. He's mad at Jesus because he never asked to be healed and now doesn't know what to do with his life.
Cracked me up.
Shalom.
Must see #40. LOL
If my dog had eaten all the homework I said he did he would be passing fire logs.
You might be a Redneck If...
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed opposum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has never been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
16. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
17. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
18. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
19. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
20. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
21. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
22. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
23. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
24. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
25. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
26. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
27. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
28. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
29. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
30. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
31. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Sh*thead?"
32. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
33. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
34. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" or "HEY!" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
35. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
36. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
37. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
38. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
39. You've been too drunk to fish.
40. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
41. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
42. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
43. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
44. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
45. If your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
46. If you've ever financed a tattoo.
47. If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
48. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
49. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
50. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
51. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
52. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
53. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
54. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Uggg.
Now this is a silly thread: (THANKS FOR THE ishp PING!)
Man with two penises loses wife
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1360739/posts
I know that guy. His specially engineered grass has taken over our neighborhood. For the most part that's not bad because it's very green, only needs to be mowed once a year, and is naturally weed free. On the down side the check-points at the entrance to the neighborhood are getting to be a pain. Last night at midnight we had another raid to see if we were hiding any weed killer anywhere, and there are rumors it's been harassing the girls when they walk barefoot in the backyard.
Shalom.
If you graduated law school, why do you still have to practice?
Yep they are Pubic Schools
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.