TERESA Heinz, wife of Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry, will be ridiculed more savagely than the other targets at tonight's Gridiron Club gala in Washington — and the woman playing Teresa is one of her biggest supporters in the media, ancient White House reporter and George W. Bush-hater Helen Thomas.
At the club's 120th annual dinner of song and satire, Thomas, who once described Bush as "the worst president of my lifetime," will come out as Teresa and sing to the tune of "Thank Heaven for Little Girls."
But Maurice Chevalier wouldn't recognize the new lyrics: "Thank heaven, he lost the race/I'd have to move into a smaller place/Thank heaven, no Air Force One/My plane is faster and it has more space . . . Thank heaven, he lost the race/Now I can tell the press/Just how and when and where to go/And I'm allowed my wine and escargots."
Other singers will pose as filmmaker Michael Moore, sprinter Marion Jones, baseball star Barry Bonds, Sen. Ted Kennedy, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, Pakistani President Musharraf and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
Every president since Benjamin Harrison (with the exception of Grover Cleveland) has attended the annual white-tie dinner thrown by the Gridiron Club, founded in 1855 and limited to 65 D.C.-based journalists.
Two prospective 2008 presidential candidates — Gov. Bill Richardson (D-N.M.) and Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb.) — are expected to speak on behalf of their parties tonight.
Gridiron president Richard Ryan will note that many residents of New Mexico see Richardson as a future president: "Of course, many people in New Mexico also see flying saucers near Roswell."
Showing bipartisanship, Ryan will take issue with Hagel's claim that he's on good terms with the White House: "He showed me his personal invitation to the White House Valentine's Day party, which he received yesterday."
In a skit making fun of the GOP, the journalists will sing the tune of "God Bless the U.S.A." with new lyrics: "I support our troops and airmen 'cause I know that war is hell/And I voted twice for W, 'cause it's a name that I can spell./I know the Bill of Rights allows me to bear arms and carry beer/And I support defense of marriage 'cause I divorced three chicks last year." (Page Six)
In honor of the late actress Greta Garbo's 100th birthday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will present a centennial tribute to the Hollywood legend on April 7, 2005 in Beverly Hills. Garbo is shown in this undated file photograph. The event will be hosted by Academy Award nominated actress Lena Olin and will include appearances by actress Joan Leslie and authors Gore Vidal and Gavin Lambert, who are among the few living individuals to have known Garbo.
WASHINGTON (AP) - John Kerry's wife sang about how happy she is that he wasn't elected. Karl Rove revealed his successful strategy for winning President Bush a second term. Wannabe presidential candidates pressed for advantage in the 2008 race. It was as close to "Saturday Night Live" as Washington gets, as journalists assumed the personas of politicians in song, dance and wisecracks at the Gridiron Club's 120th annual dinner.
It's a journalistic tradition in which, for one night, members of the Fourth Estate turn the tables on the powerful people they report and write about daily. The Gridiron Club's motto is to "singe, but never burn."
In a nod to 2008, they parodied the White House aspirations of Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska and Democratic Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico, featured speakers at the white-tie dinner.
Richardson compared the Bush's administration's treatment of U.S. allies over the Iraq war to the NCAA basketball tournament.
"Sixty-four teams start and they're whittled down to just one," Richardson said in prepared remarks. "Kind of reminds me of what we've done with our allies."
Hagel paid tribute to Johnny Carson, a Nebraska legend, by impersonating "Carnac the Magnificent," one of the late comedian's characters.
"Answer: March Madness," Hagel said. "What do Democrats call my Social Security plan?"
Following another close presidential election, the show poked fun at despondent Democrats and smug Republicans.
Prison-striped Democratic leaders were seen trying to figure a way out of "Gitmo," the U.S. facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where the government is holding suspected terrorists.
One sketch had Massachusetts Sen. Kerry singing a lament about "why, oh why, oh why did I ever lose Ohio?" while in the next scene wife Teresa Heinz Kerry appeared positively giddy over her husband's loss to Bush.
"Thank heaven, he lost the race," her character sang to the tune of "Thank Heaven for Little Girls." "Now I can tell the press just how and when and where to go, and I'm allowed my wine and escargots."
Republicans were singed, too.
To the tune of "Doo Wah Diddy Diddy," a Karl Rove impersonator sang about the challenges of turning Bush into presidential timber. "He looked smug, he looked dim. How we gonna win with him?" he sang. Bush and his wife, Laura, were in the audience.
Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld was rapped for his Iraq war planning. "Rummy, have you some spare Teflon coating that we could wear?" soldiers sang to the tune of "Mister Sandman." "You said we'd win Iraq with ease, Mr. Rumsfeld, we need Humvees."
Other 2008-themed skits portrayed Democratic Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York singing about how she'll "turn those red states blue" and Senate newcomer Barack Obama of Illinois, prancing around in a gold outfit and halo, urging the party to "go with a guy who walks on water."
Founded in 1885, the Gridiron Club is made up of Washington news bureau chiefs, columnists, reporters, cartoonists and editors. It exists only for the annual dinner and political roast. Every president since Benjamin Harrison, except for Grover Cleveland, has attended.