If You Suspect You Might Have A Drinking Problem (An Open Letter)

I have written this to describe my experiences of the past 14 months as I have worked to resolve my drinking problem. Everyone is different and I do not propose to be an expert on this topic, but I have my own personal experience and I am sharing it in the hope that it might help someone else to solve this problem and change their life.

I have now been sober for 14 months without a drop of alcohol. This is not a long time as compared to over 25 years of heavy drinking, but I also know something else: I am totally confident that I will never drink again.

In that 14 months I have made it through two football tailgating seasons, over a hundred business lunches and dinners, numerous trips to Germany where beer flows like water, parties, picnics, Super Bowls, a Caribbean cruise, several family vacations, ups and down in life, etc. All things that I thought “required” alcohol.

Fortunately, I did not have some event that caused me to hit “rock bottom”. (I could have had many rock bottoms but I was lucky). Some people need to lose their job, lose their family, kill or seriously injure someone in a car accident, end up in prison, or many other horrible things that alcohol (or drugs) can cause in order to gather the will to quit. Some people think that “bottom” is the only thing that can make a drinker quit for good. I have met many people who proved to me that this is false, you can make such a decision without going through the horrors. But in some ways it is tougher to take the first step.

In every other way, it is much easier to skip the “rock bottom” step and I hope that this letter helps at least one other person to avoid the lost job, lost marriage or prison route to sobriety.

Last October, I made a firm decision to quit and I followed through on that commitment. But I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that I had similarly tried to control my drinking or quit at least 100 times before.

Why was I able to quit this time as compared with the previous 100 attempts? This is a very good question. The only answer I have come up with as to is that this time I was really ready to quit for myself alone. I was truly 100% sick and tired of the way alcohol affected me and I wanted a different life. All the other times I was, in some way, not really ready to control my drinking. The bottle was still in charge. I tried many tactics: I’d only drink on weekends, only drink after 5pm, only drink at parties (almost anything can become a party in such a plan), only drink beer, only drink wine, only drink hard liquor, only drink things I didn’t like the taste of (I know it sounds nuts but I was nuts), only drink every other week, quit for a day, quit for a weekend, quit for a week, quit for “this vacation or event”. I tried every way to quit in the world to stop drinking except the way that eventually worked for me.

If you are reading this and you know someone that has a drinking problem and you want to help them, you must understand that you are at a severe disadvantage. This is a condition of the mind more than a condition of the body and it is nearly impossible to bring another person to a mental place where they can admit that alcohol is causing more pain in their life than the pleasure it brings. Because a drinker can hardly imagine life without alcohol. It is with us at many points of our thinking and decision making process. We make plans around alcohol and drinking, not all of the time but enough.

If this does not sound like you at this point but you still think you might have a problem, I am not going to tell you that you are OK with your drinking, I will only say that you don’t have the same problem that I was facing so my experience may be of little value to you. I do know people who can go for long periods with nothing at all, then they “binge” and drink to pass out. This is obviously a problem, but not the problem that I have experience with. For 25 years I drank to excess. I often did not get "drunk" but I was always under the influence. For many of those years I drank daily, sometimes starting at 6am and going till 2am the next night. I am not proud of this but it is the truth.

As a problem drinker, you probably associate most of the “fun” you have in life with alcohol in some portion and are worried that without alcohol you will become a dull, bored person with no joy in life. You probably think that there are some things where you will always have to drink to enjoy. I know I worried about that, and I can assure you it is false. You will enjoy life more when you quit, at least that has been my experience. Even that Caribbean cruise and college football tailgating.

I first started drinking in High School. I don’t feel that it is necessary to recount the whole story but I drank to blackout on a number of incidences. Other times I just got really drunk and did stupid things that put my life at risk. I drove many times when I had no business on the road, and it would not have taken much to have had a series of events happen that would have changed my life for the worse. In college, I made good grades at a top Engineering school, while drinking heavily. It was a joke that I would study with a bottle of Jim Beam next to my desk.

As I got into the business world, and specifically into sales, drinking is a daily part of business life. At least that’s what a drinker thinks. And for people who do not have a problem controlling it, drinking is a wonderful part of life. The occasional party or business dinner and a few social drinks to move the business forward are great. But I was never able to do that—for me it was five, ten, fifteen drinks. Into the late hours, with not enough sleep, feeling like crap the next morning when I should have been at my best. Then repeating the same behavior each night. And I was very successful, and I thought drinking was part of the success.

I rationalized that with my talent, the drinking was part of who I am, and that even at 50% I was still more capable than most others so it wasn’t necessary to control myself.

I know this is getting long so I’ll get to the point: One Friday last October I was driving down the road. I hadn’t had a drink in two days and was in one of my “quit drinking the rest of the week” attempts. Rush Limbaugh announced that he was going to a Rehab Center for his drug addiction to resolve his problem. This for some reason got through to me. I called two people that I am close with and told them that I was not going to drink one drop of alcohol until Rush came out of treatment. (Telling these people I had made this decision helped me).

I told myself that after thirty days, I would decide whether I would drink again in a more controlled manner or stop completely. I did not have the luxury of taking the time off from work to enter treatment, but since Rush was going in, he was in there for both of us.

I did not attend AA (although I will talk about AA later) but I was clearly at the first step of their program. It is a very simple concept:

I admitted that I had a drinking problem and that I wanted to do something about it. I can tell you that if you are really at that point then you can fix yourself. If you are not at that step, then there is nothing that anyone can do to help you and I hope that you stay alive, and intact until you reach that point.

After about a week of sobriety, I stopped thinking about alcohol very much. I threw myself into work and tried to start losing weight as well. By the second week I made the decision: “I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN” and I wrote that in my journal. I recognized that a bottle of booze is an inanimate object that is simply poison to me and that it cannot force itself into my body. I have the control over whether I use my arms to bring the poison to my lips. And I choose not to allow that to happen ever again.

I have noticed that there is an inner “voice” that I have (he stays fairly silent now) that in the beginning used to put thoughts in my mind like: “surely you can just have one, you’ve been good”, “it’s a beautiful Fall Day, surely you could just do the social drink”, “you’re in the Caribbean for Gods’ sakes, shouldn’t you at least have one Margarita to celebrate your sobriety”. When my mind lets the inner voice talk, I quickly reassert control and think about the serenity that I have found since I quit drinking.

I need to stop writing now, the family is waking up, but I will write another letter tomorrow morning which describes these 14 months and what other tactics I have used in my sobriety.

I hope that this helps at least one other soul out there. Feel free to post questions or suggestions.

Sorry about so much new information in one day, but I've got to leave town for the rest of the week and I didn't want to leave my thoughts on AA unfinished till next weekend. So this will bring us up to date.

Chapter 3. What’s God got to do with it?

As I stated previously, the AA program is built upon the concept of a Power greater than ourselves (our “Higher Power”) who we surrender to in order to solve our problem. I have always believed in a Creator and a higher power is not a problem for me, per se. But many people come to AA with no belief structure at all and they are encouraged to find their higher power where it can be found. Many use the “AA group” as the power in the beginning, after all it is a group who have been down the path before and have confronted and “solved” the addiction problem.

My problem was not in identifying the Higher Power, but with the concept of “surrender”. The big question in my mind this past year was: am "I" in charge of me, or must "I" give up control? I always have thought that we were given free will to do what we wish with our lives and that we have responsibility for our actions. That is the core of my personal philosophy and my Conservative polical viewpoint comes straight from this philosphy.

But we were given much more than free will. We were given our wonderful mind which can think and reason. It is truly an amazing creation, and it is quite unfortunate that we are not given an Operators Manual about how to use it most effectively.

But even more amazingly we were given a spirit or soul which can dream and plan and which is not “physical”. I think that this is the core thing about human beings—our bodies are chemicals assembled together, our minds are complex physical processing/storage facilities, but our “spirit” is what makes us who we are. Our spirit is a collection of information, experience, beliefs-- it is a pure information "state". And it is a gift.

We either challenge our spirit to do greater things, or we lose hope and allow it to wither and die. I could not and still do not understand the concept of “surrender” that they are talking about.

I listened and I did not attempt to hijack the program, but instead I chose to take from it the good that I got from it.

In early March, I wrote in my journal:
“don’t try to change AA to fit my world view- not everyone is the same as me and AA may be the only hope for people in different circumstances. Don’t destroy that for others, I have no program to offer them in its place.”

But I do not pretend that I have gotten to where I am today alone. I have already said that I was helped by other people in the AA group. I was also helped by many alcoholics before that chose to write about and find solutions for this character defect. I also have received help from God in many ways:

1. I asked God to help me in coming closer to him, and to understanding his purpose for us.

2. I periodically count my blessings- I make a list of those things that I was born with or that have come into my life through nothing I did to deserve them- my life, my liberty, my country, my health, my wife, my intelligence, my parents, my children… the list can be quite long when you start thinking about it. All of these things were given to me and could have been withheld.

3. I ask him to keep me safe from those forces that would harm me, not only as it relates to drinking but that is a big one.

I do not want to sound too cocky in all of this and I fear that it may sound that way. It may even be true-- it is a difficult thing to see in oneself, especially for someone with a big ego like me. I just really believe that we were given the tools to deal with our problems. And the main tool that we are given is our ability to make decisions (spirit) and take action (mind and body). God is helping me by giving me the tools, and helping me to dream the big goals, and He is keeping the adversaries at bay.

I continue to go to AA meetings at least a couple of times a month but not to keep me from drinking in the short term, but to increase my commitment to not drinking in the long term. I also go to share with people who are just joining and to give something back. And I am still learning and open to new thinking on this, even if I sound totally sure of myself.

I just keep it to myself about the issues I have presently with “One Day at A Time” as a long-term strategy. I recognize that the 24 Hours at a time method has worked for millions and given them their life back. Especially in the beginning it makes it possible.

I welcome comments from those who think differently on this subject, and I am not trying to say that what works for me works for everyone or is the only way to go. But if anyone else has tried to solve this problem through AA, and had problems with “surrender” then maybe what I have said here will help them resolve the issues. And I hope it will help me too!

I leave you with a quote from the Tao Te Ching (Chapter 4)

"With patience tangled cord may be undone,
and problems which seem insoluble, resolved.

When untangled by a cutting edge,
the cord in little pieces lies,
and is of little use."

So, I don't expect instant results, and I am not in a big hurry. I recognize that am closer to the beginning of this story than the end, I really understand that! And I know that I am not out of the woods.

Thanks for listening to my story (so far). FReegards,

RobFromGa

PS: The book "A Million Little Pieces" by Frey is excellent novel (loosely autobiographical) about recovery.

The AA Big Book is also excellent, as is Living Sober.

Your posts here motivated me, and last night I went to my first AA meeting. I am now 24 hours sober.

That's the best thing I have read on FR in a while. Congratulations. Take it one day at a time. Find a sponsor that you identify with. Call her if you are woman, him if you are a man. Talk. Listen. Try to identify not judge. It's hard at first but it gets easier. Everything gets easier in sobriety.

I have a lot of shame and guilt to work through.

Don't think about that for now. There is plenty of time to deal with that. For now enjoy your first day in sobriety. Spend time doing something that you like to do no matter how simple. Actually, the simpler the better. Just enjoy today for today's sake.

Don't drink - go to meetings. Call on your higher power whenever you need to. And remember, always remember the serenity prayer:

God grant me the Serentity to accept the things I cannot change.

Courage to change the things I can.

And, the wisdom to know the difference.

Ray

Re: In charge or give up control(surrender)

I don't see it as an either/or choice.

Some problems I can solve on my own using thinking and reasoning. But these are usually mundane problems, ex. planning a route to a destination, deciding what to wear today, creating an effective ad campaign or designing an improved sprocket.

Other problems arise from an unhealthy ego, ex. addiction, greed, sloth, pride, jealousy, uncontrolled anger, inappropriate fear and such.
Expecting the ego to solve these problems is akin to asking an ill patient to cure himself.
For me it led to innumerable attempts to control, regulate, moderate, schedule and adjust my drinking behavior.
All ineffective because I didn't recognize the source of the problem, a little separate ego, full of fear, numbing itself to pain and compensating by asserting it's importance, it's control (indeed it's very existence) beyond what was justified by an honest look at reality.

In these cases the ego must humble itself, step back and no longer see itself as the leader/creator but as the creation of something greater than itself. It surrenders its preeminence, the mind and heart open. It can then ask for, accept and receive help from others and from the Creator.
With this realization comes great relief, serenity, freedom, joy, gratitude and a desire to give back to life, to do good. At this point thinking and reasoning can kick in to suggest ways to best express this new vision but the moral imperative itself comes from contact with the Creator.

Thanks for sharing and listening.

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