Posted on 12/09/2004 10:47:58 AM PST by KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle
The Mandinka tribe of Gambia, Africa, adheres to a religious practice completely unique to its people -- they worship actress Salma Hayek's breasts!
While most primitive societies tend to pray to animal or ancestral spirits, or to stars and planets as the Mandinkans once did, that all changed in 1995.
Mandinkan farmer Danjuma Kianga remembers, through an interpreter, the moment it happened.
"As a special treat, Chief Tuamanguluka arranged for a movie to be shown here for the first time ever. The movie was Desperado, starring the blessed Salma Hayek as Carolina, a beautiful woman who works for the local drug lord."
When Hayek first appeared on screen, the Mandinkans were blown away by the sight of the 36C-25-37 actress. "Everyone gasped -- men, women, and children," recalls Kianga. "Salma was breathtakingly exquisite. She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls."
After that screening, all any of the Mandinkans could talk about was Salma Hayek -- her looks, her spirit, her energy.
In the years since, the tribe has arranged screenings of every one of her films including, From Dusk 'Til Dawn, Fools Rush In, Dogma, Wild Wild West, Traffic, Spy Kids: 3D, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and, especially, Frida, which was nominated for six Oscars including best actress for Hayek.
The Mandinkans found themselves especially affected by the sight of Hayek's breasts, which are often on full display in her movies.
"Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," gushes Kianga. "They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: 'We're here. We're here for you. Take power from us. Let us be your energy force. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.' "
Around their necks, the Mandinkans wear stone and wood amulets fashioned as miniature replicas of Hayek's awe-inspiring milk wagons. Before undertaking any strenuous or dangerous task, going on any hunting expedition or praying for anything, they lick Hayek's breasts one hundred times for luck.
One of the villages has even constructed a giant 37-foot high scale replica of Hayek's sweater puppets. The breasts themselves are formed of rare black obsidian stone, and the nipples are solid gold.
Villagers form a large circle around the statue, hold hands, and dance themselves into a frenzy while chanting the following:
Oh glorious funbags of Salma, Fertilize our fields, protect us, and bring us luck. Especially we ask for sexual potency from the Life-changing, awe-inspiring twin peaks of Salma. Suckle us with your magical orbs, Squeeze our faces between those luscious flesh mounds, Our strength, hope and joy derive from the wondrous bazongas of Hayek!
Gahiji Ngozi, a 22-year-old craftsman, speaks for the entire Mandinkan tribe when he says, "Worshipping Salma Hayek's breasts has added meaning, direction and wonder to my life."
LOL tell me something I don't know ;o)
You're even funnier than usual lately. Are you chemically enhanced? ; )
I guess I DO belong to a religion then...
Your an African-Canadian, that has to be good for some extra bennies from your socialist government :^)
ping
Jus' mi, n' mah coca cola, doritos, and Selma Hayak movies, why?
laugh ping
In arbitrarily moving this thread over to Gneral/Chat: you have cruelly dissed an entire religion. :)
damn. just damn.
A Hooters better not open close by or there will be a religious war over mounds of mounds.
Geez,
Sounds like their liturgy is taken directly from a bodice ripper novel :)
or Mad Magazine
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ARTICLES
Familial occurrence of unilateral giant breasts in Nigeria: a possible new genetic entity OA Badejo
Four cases of unilateral giant breasts from two unrelated families are described. Three of the patients were managed surgically. It is speculated from a review of available published reports that this condition may be genetic with an autosomal dominant mode of inheritance.
Had that in your files already? :o)
As long as "Frida" isn't in the stack, I won't worry about you. (For those who don't know, that's about a whacky bi-sexual communist chick and a uni-brow.)
Heck, I used to know a woman that worshiped her own as the best in the world!
But then again...
Yeah. I didn't want to feel like a freak. : ) (J/K!)
Ping
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