Posted on 09/19/2004 9:25:02 PM PDT by Mo1
Uh oh - if you get a Hummer, I will have to come spray paint it with a big "x" or something.
Afternoon satire:
| 28 Sep 2004 | Jake Novak
A recent Nielsen survey of viewing trends among Iraqi terrorists and insurgents shows more of them tune in to the conservative Fox News Channel than CNN (another popular U.S. news network) or Al Jazeera (an Iraqi news station) combined.
"In the key 15-25 year old would-be suicide bomber/terrorist demo, Fox just blows everyone away...no pun intended," said Nielsen said Susan D. Whiting, president and CEO of Nielsen Media Research.
"Getting my guys to wake up early in the morning and do a suicide bombing isn't as easy as it looks...sometimes they're just not motivated. But then the satellite feed comes in from Fox News, and I get motivation all over the place," said Shiite insurgent leader Mohammed al Sadr. "I mean, you can't watch that network for more than two minutes before they're calling my people 'thugs', 'blood-thirsty', and 'cowards'."
"You can't beat that for stirring the cauldron of hate, my friend," he added.
Al Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi also had high praise for Fox.
"I love how that Bill O'Reilly gestures to cut off a guest's mic when he disagrees with him! To tell you the truth that's exactly how we do most of our beheadings... but we're a little nicer," Zarqawi said. "We don't miss 'The O'Reilly Factor' for anything."
"Don't let this get out, but if Americans are looking to stay safe in Iraq, going out during his show is a good idea; you can't tear us away from the tube for the whole hour," Zarqawi added.
Other terror ringleaders, however, were less willing to praise Fox News than they were critical of the competition.
"We try watching CNN once in a while, but then that Aaron Brown comes on with that ridiculous phony hair or Daryn Kagen gets nailed by the Howard Stern phony phone callers, and all my guys want to do is laugh and enjoy life," said former Ba'ath party leader Ezzat Ibrahim, "and that's not exactly conducive to the whole suicide bombing thing, you know."
Al Sadr added another criticism.
"CNN's whole, 'let's try to be fair and sort out the facts first' approach is so lame," he said. "No wonder they're getting their asses kicked in the ratings."
Still, on the whole, most insurgents focus on their love of Fox News, evidenced by comments from some "on-the-street" interviews conducted by Nielsen surveyors.
"I hear a lot of people saying, 'Oh, suicide bombers are cowards, blah blah,' you know? But the truth is, it's hard to work up that much blind faith in your cause to go through with it," said one insurgent. "That's why Fox News is such a great thing. I watch their refusal to acknowledge reasoning and constant disregard to report news that may portray my people in anything but the worst light, and it just gives me that special murderous rage that I need."
"Fox News makes it easy to forget that not all Americans are thick-headed idiots," said another insurgent. "That really helps out with any guilt I might feel about attacking the U.S. Army over here."
In a similar statement, another Iraqi explained, "What I like to do is imagine Chris Matthews' face on the soldiers' faces. I know he's not on the Fox network, but he really should be."
Actually, I was put up for auction by the missus, and last I knew she hasn't recinded it yet.
Bidding is out to the LOWEST bidder, and she started it out at half a penny.
I think I'd have a skull and crossbones painted on it..
Hahahahhahahaahaaaaaaaaaaa! I can afford a Canadian penny. How much is the westmex starting bid?
Westy would want me around for the comic relief I'd provide..
Good idea about skull and crossbones! When I next go out on hummer spray duty, I'll remember that :) I'd only spray it if it had a "save the earth" sticker on it though.
Much as it might frustrate you, looking younger than you are is, or will be, a blessing. My younger sister is still getting carded at 40.
Cheers, LJ.
Well, don't expect me to bid. You scare me. LOL
When I worked in Boston I narrowly lost out on buying a Sherman Tank. It was registerable and road worthy back then. It would've been great for commuting and easy the park...the first time or two, anyway.
Borax, did I cc: you in my bost just above?
POST not bost...and no, I meant to but forgot to cc you on the other one.
Thank you much! I thought I was being shunned :)
LOL about your Hummer sticker!!!!
No SUV for me.
I like the log cabin in the woods behind the car too :) Is that you walking toward the car?
Oops. Gotta go!
Thanks for the cute pics - until next time!
How about a "Pave the Earth" sticker for fun and profit?
;-)
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