The Guild 4-15-2004 Medication or bad taste, the verdict...

[lodwick]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing - priceless

223 posted on 04/18/2004 10:11:31 AM CDT by null and void

[lodwick]

Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
______________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
_____________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
______________________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
______________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_______________________________________

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
________________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
________________________________________

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
_________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_________________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
__________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
___________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
___________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[BigWaveBetty]

Priceless indeed.

[BigWaveBetty]

J - We got home from the art festival just in time to see Stewart sink his putt on the 18th! Last time I checked he was second! 64 -10!! Then we watched his interview, he was really good, very comfortable, he looked good and he was smiling. You must be so excited!

I hope he hangs on to his place and Purdy hits into the rough a lot. :-)

GO STEWART!!

Btw, leaving the parking lot for the festival I saw an anti-Bush bumper sticker, so I wrote on the dirty back window of the car:

BUSH RULES!!

:-)

[BigWaveBetty]

A little perfective from Gen. Tommy Franks in the event you're unlucky enough to be tied to a chair and forced to watch Woodward on 60mins tonight.

April 15, 2004

Retired Gen. Tommy Franks, one of the main architects of the Bush administration's war on terrorism, said Wednesday President Bush did not discuss invading Iraq with him personally until Dec. 28, 2001, well after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Franks, addressing the 16th annual Christus Spohn-South Texas Lyceum, led the U.S. Central Command from June 2000 to August 2003. He played a major role in supervising and planning U.S. military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. Gen. John Abizaid succeeded him as commander of Central Command.

Franks was the featured speaker at the lyceum, an annual event that raises money for the Christus Spohn Cancer Network.

Franks gave a detailed account of his interactions with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and President Bush in the immediate aftermath of Sept. 11, 2001. Rumsfeld called and asked Franks on Sept. 12, "What do you think?"

Franks remembered responding: "Bin Laden. Al-Qaida. Afghanistan."

On Sept. 21, 2001, during a meeting with President Bush, Franks said he was not asked his opinion on invading Iraq. Franks said the same was true of another meeting with Bush.

But on Dec. 28, 2001, Bush discussed the possibility with him, Franks said.

"I said, 'You know what, Mr. President? I'm OK with it,' " Frank said. "And you know what, I still am."

"He told me he hoped not one American boot ever touches Iraq except by invitation," Franks said.

Franks said Bush mentioned intelligence briefings that detailed the possibility Iraq might unite with terrorists to attack the United States using weapons of mass destruction.

Franks repeatedly criticized the media and the ongoing investigation by of the 9/11 Sept. 11 commission.

"We do not need people to ask about yesterday. We need people to ask about the future," he said.

Speaking to reporters before his lyceum address, Franks said he believed the U.S.-led coalition invading Iraq planned for a fierce insurgency after removing Saddam Hussein but did not anticipate some elements that are now behind the country's current unrest.

In Corpus Christi one day after President Bush told the American people he was prepared to send more troops to Iraq to quell the uprising if needed, Franks said U.S. commanders have been prepared during the conflict to escalate the number of troops in Iraq by slowing the troop rotation.

Linda Cadigan, vice president for philanthropy at Christus Spohn Health System, said the lyceum, through speakers like Franks, has raised more than $3 million for cancer programs in its 16-year history.

"We were delighted to have Gen. Franks," she said. "All our speakers have been of a very high caliber and he is certainly counted among them. He is one of the finest leaders in the United States." Link
Contact Brad Olson at 886-3764 or olsonb@caller.com

And in the same publication this whiner has a special sentiment on Gen. Franks remarks about the media in the same speech.

[They'reGone2000]

Stewart Cink - PGA Tour - The MCI Heritage presented by Hilton Head Island
Currently Tot: -10 Pos: 1 Rd: 4

WOOO WOOOOOOOOO!

[Timeout]

Watching and biting my lip!

[BigWaveBetty]

It's sudden death!!!

[MaeWest]

Keep up posted!!!

[BigWaveBetty]

Ha! Behind the tree! Curses! Curses on you Purdy! It worked!!!!!

[BigWaveBetty]

Purdy hit it into the parking lot I think?! At wasn't anywhere near the fairway.

[BigWaveBetty]

I know you're doing a woo hoo dance after Purdy hit that shot!!

[Timeout]

Gaaaaag! This is sooooo nervewracking!

[BigWaveBetty]

Not at - It!

[BigWaveBetty]

Stewart and his wife must be nuts by now.

[Timeout]

That's the tiniest green I ever saw! Just imagine how small it looks to them!

[Timeout]

Did you see Lisa and the boys earlier?

Awwwwwwww...so cute!

[BigWaveBetty]

Purdy's going for another shot (btw, I know next to nothing about golf) - - oh, too bad, he didn't get it on the green. Curses!! On Purdy!!

[Timeout]

Stewart won this tournament in 2001.

On the last hole, Lisa ran up and he hugged her hard with baby Reagan between them. The cam showed Lisa pulling back saying "Awwww. Poor baby...we're smushing you!". Big smile, though.

It was adorable.

[BigWaveBetty]

Sorry Mae, think I was watching the wrong golfer. But Purdy's hit landed on the green close to the hole and then shot back down a little farther.