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Tribute to a Dead Squirrel
Just to the right of my medulla oblongata | March 11, 2004 | Me, Myself and I

Posted on 03/11/2004 7:27:35 PM PST by BluegrassScholar

Last week I awoke just past noon (having slept the sleep of the suddenly redundant) and stumbled into my yard to retrieve the morning paper. I realize I should probably cancel my subscription to economize, but I continue to subscribe if for no other reason than to get my weekly fix of Ann Coulter. Anyway, as I'm retrieving the paper, I noticed a dead squirrel near my aspidistra (and, no, that's not a dirty word). Being a native Mississippian, I am, of course, immediately intrigued by anything having to do with a dead animal, whether I killed it or not. After closer inspection and repeatedly poking the late squirrel with a stick, I could discern no evidence of blunt trauma nor wounds that would point to a attack from the neighborhood ninja kitties. It appeared the squirrel had simply ignored the pleadings of Dylan Thomas and chosen instead to go gently into that good night.

I was faced with two choices - dispose of the squirrel properly (although I'm not sure what that entails) or sling it over my fence into the neighbor's yard. I opted for the latter and with Einstein-like prowess, mentally computed in mere moments the calculus and algorithms necessary for the proper velocity, trajectory and flight path to carry the squirrel from my yard approximately 40 feet into my neighbor's yard. I suppose I could have simply picked up the squirrel, walked over to the fence and dropped it on the other side, but how often does one have the opportunity to fling a dead squirrel? Sometimes you just gotta carpe diem. I should interject at this stage of the story that the neighboring house is on the market and otherwise unoccupied. I mean, I still would have chunked the squirrel over the fence even if someone was living there, but perhaps more surreptitiously.

Grabbing the squirrel by the tail, I began spinning it over my head to work up the required centrifugal forces necessary to cover the 40 feet. However, too late I discovered that my calculations failed to account for the rate of biological decomposition as the body of the squirrel separated prematurely from the tail and deviated from the planned flight path. In fact, the squirrel deviated right into the street just as a perky realtor drove up with a young couple looking for that perfect starter home, and thudded soundly on the hood of her Pacific green Volvo and slid to a stop spread-eagled against her windshield. I'm not sure the English language has a vocabulary extensive enough to convey the sense of shock on the faces of the realtor and prospective buyers as they gazed first at the squirrel with no tail and then at me, standing there shirtless, wearing World Wrestling Federation pajama bottoms and a pair of white shrimping boots (also known as "Bayou Reeboks"). I think you can guess the house didn't sell that day. I'm surmising the young couple did not want to live next to a half-naked man that throws dead animals at passing cars. At least I don't have to worry about new neighbors.


TOPICS: Humor; Weird Stuff
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Comment #21 Removed by Moderator

To: GreatEconomy
I am a long time squirrel hunter who has skinned and eaten hundreds of squirrels

,,, I didn't know you could eat squirrels - what do they taste like? Don't say chicken, I genuinely don't know.

22 posted on 03/14/2004 12:50:23 PM PST by shaggy eel ("vegetarian" is another name for a lousey hunter)
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Comment #23 Removed by Moderator

Comment #24 Removed by Moderator

To: GreatEconomy
,,, next time I'm in the US I'll have to try it. I've seen squirrels on the outskirts of Detroit, in London and in Japan, but never thought of them as "cookable".
25 posted on 03/14/2004 1:01:23 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: GreatEconomy
I saw it with my own eyes. I don't know what the mechanism is, or how far up the tail it works, or whether it grows back. Perhaps there are even different subspecies of squirrels, with some having this feature and others not. But the gray-brown squirrel I saw crossing the road in White Plains, NY in 1994 definitely lost 2-3 inches off its tail, under the tire of a car, and kept on running without a hitch -- the lost bit of tail was clearly visible in the road after the car passed, and it wasn't just hair (I looked closely, as I'd never seen anything like this before). Since then I've noted a number of squirrels missing the ends of their tails, and figured they probably lost them to similar accidents.
26 posted on 03/14/2004 3:26:34 PM PST by GovernmentShrinker
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Comment #27 Removed by Moderator

To: GreatEconomy
Not to worry -- I can handle it :-)

But the thing that stood out about the whole incident was the lack of pause in the squirrel's forward momentum, as it lost a piece of its tail. If they don't have a life-preserving separation mechanism, I don't how that happened, unless that particular squirrel just had a weird anomaly in its tail. I assumed it was a life-preserving mechanism, since I know there are other animals which sport this feature (perhaps only reptiles though, and daddy-long-legs whose legs come off easily for this reason.)
28 posted on 03/15/2004 8:13:20 AM PST by GovernmentShrinker
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To: GovernmentShrinker; GreatEconomy
but how often does one have the opportunity to fling a dead squirrel? Sometimes you just gotta carpe diem.

LOL!!!

Yeah I was gonna comment that it had nothign to do with decomposition. Doing that with a fresh squirrel would have likely had the same effects (trust me, done it before... even on something light as a chipmunk the tail will strip like a wire.).

I've seen lots of furry tailed rodents running around with parts of their tails missing likely from close run-ins with cats or dogs or cars or other hazards. Eventually the exposed bone falls off and they have a stubby brush the rest of their little lives.

29 posted on 03/16/2004 6:30:52 PM PST by Terriergal ("arise...kill...eat." Acts 10:13)
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To: GreatEconomy; shaggy eel
And what do rabbits taste like? I've got two in traps already at our new house. Haven't seen anymore, but I have a gopher hole right next to our front walk, that's my next project. Don't think I'll be cooking a gopher. Say GE, how do you skin a rabbit or squirrel without getting loaded with fleas? That always turns me off, and I'd like to know how.
30 posted on 03/16/2004 6:33:06 PM PST by Terriergal ("arise...kill...eat." Acts 10:13)
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To: Terriergal
,,, mmmmmmmmmmmm-MMMMMMMMMm, rabbit pie (with fur) for supper!
31 posted on 03/16/2004 6:37:35 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: shaggy eel
Hasenpfeffer!

I just saw fresh tracks this morning. Pesky widdle wabbits!
32 posted on 03/17/2004 8:30:52 PM PST by Terriergal ("arise...kill...eat." Acts 10:13)
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